doubts.

i lost count of how many times you opened my eyes. last night you did it again. it's about making me closer to The Creator. it is so true when you said all the doubts are made up. made up by what others think of me, while it really doesn't matter. not at all. it was not an easy topic. i don't know why you came up with that topic. but point taken, you wanted me to think. to get the whole idea. give me some time to think it through. this is not something i can do and bail out.

my doubts are with others. what would others feel, what would others think, what would others do, will i be able to do the activities i've been doing? all those questions raise without me confirming the answer.

i used to think that i'll do it after i got married. now i begin to questioned the idea.
i don't know...
i don't know...
my dear Creator, please show me, please erase all the doubts...please..please...

maybe this is what is called by point of no return. please lead me, drag me, whatever...

safe.flight.home.

when you told me where you are, I wish you'll be back home soon.
when you told me that you'll be heading home this afternoon, I say "why so soon??"

hahahhahaha... yeah, it's always wrong...hahahhaha!!!
at least we could share a good laugh...hehehhehehe

distance oh distance..

sometimes...in some cases...distance doesn't matter...

taken from my email inbox..last year... :)

______________________________

From: def@yahoo.com
Sent: 08-12-2009 09:20:25
Subject: Re: Where art thou?


Errr... Ain't we're doing it right now? Although separated by time and space, we still are doing it. Hehehe..




Public Relations & Media Consultant

This email was sent from a local public pay phone. Yes, the kind that has booths overhead and you have to insert coins to use 'em. Nifty eh?

______________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: abc@yahoo.com
Sent: 08-12-2009 09:19:38
Subject: Re: Where art thou?

Btw..jadi pengen ngupi2 +ngobrol2 ama kamu :(
Sent from mobile device


______________________________

help.me.i'm.lost?

Here's the thing about us. I finally managed to see things through other perspectives. I find other sources. Foe the time being, it's quite alright. Anyhooo.....

Things are gettin pretty much better between us. I thought it might get worse, but it didn't. It gets better. And better. And better. Bit by bit we tell eachother something that we haven't had the nerve to ask either of us. But not everything tho. Not yet. Despite the fact that I enjoy what we have, I'm kinda lost where we're going.

If we're just friends, I don't think friends talked everytime. Like from dusk til...dusk?
If we're just friends, I don't think friends trade in sickness and in health...
If we're just friends, I don't think you'd always wake me up for morning prayer..

Is it too much to ask to confirm where we're standing?
I'm not gonna ask it now, or anytime soon. But one day I will.
Cause I'm lost. We're not just friends are we?


After a long talk with fellow girlies, I realized that this kind of relationship will work. I mean, busy, as we don't see eachother pretty often; loving and caring as we communicate everytime; laughing as we joke around; inriguing as we have lots to dig on eachother. Not much of quantity, but very high quality.

I believe the lovey goofey relationship no longer works for me. I don't need lots of romance. I don't need lots of attention. He touches the other side of me that not everyone can see. Small things, torn pieces, yet he stayed to glued it all together. I admire his sanity while dealing with me. I'm not easy, I'm fragile but I don't break easily. I once left, he didn't. He waited (intentionally or not), I hope I'm that worthy. If he ever questioned me towards him? he's that prescious that I wouldn't dream to have one. But if I do, I'll take a very good care of you till the day I close my eyes.


"Hey you somewhere there.. yeah, it's you I'm talking about.."

beginikah?

people changed, tings changed -monica, in Friends 1.1

kok gitu ya, kelakuannya sekarang?
menurut gue sih jadi agak belaguk..
tapi yasudahlah...
perubahan adalah sesuatu yang konstan..
saya harus bisa menyesuaikan dengan keadaan..
daripada saya sebal,
lebih baik saya menjaga dan membatasi diri..

AIPL 2000

hihi ketemu lagi sama anak2 AIPL 2000.
Semua masih yang sama, kecuali yang cewek2 udah pada bawak anak :P

Fasting Break Reunion 2010 - Class of 2000 FEUI

this is not us though...hehehe

How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it! ~ George Elliston

As always, we tried to meet up with uni buds every year. Sometimes we make charity events, sometimes it's just a smple gathering. Lately, each one of us are either getting busy or put their priorities on family and kids. Which makes it less easier to meet up.

Puti is our best organizer. Somehow she just can made us meet up. This time, we decided to do potluck. Why? Because we consider the other family members, it'll be more comfortable to do various activities insomeone's house rather than in restaurant(s). Some can eat, play, watch movies, or even all of those. Spontaneously we choose Riri's friends. First, because it's her own house; and second, because we have lots of memories in the house. And I will share about the second reason.

The house is in South Jakarta, Bintaro. Riri has always been among the smartest in the group. Thus, she cares alot about us, her friends. She helps us on our studies, indeed she's a very good tutor. On times before and during exams, we stayed in her house to study. I remember when I took the advanced accounting subject, I don't understand a bit. She taught me everything about the subject, and I passed on the exam. Some other subjects, we just share our knowledge to have deeper understanding from several point of views. Long story short, that house had helped us to obtain our Bachelor degree. No wonder why it means alot :)

Anyway, this afternoon, unexpectedly, most of us made it. There were like more than 30 person came with their plus 1, husband, wife, kids, and or assistants. We can't barely believe it was already a decade ago since we used to stay there on exams period. The interior has changed, she made the ground floor became the kids corner with little tikes, plenty of toys, and open space area. Everyone enthusiatically bring foods to share. Total food fiesta, from appetizers, main courses, desserts, snacks, and drinks. Yes, we came home absolutely not with empty stomach. Even so, we managed to wrap some (hahaha can't help to resist the food temptation!), to share with family members who couldn't make it. Everyone was happy. Very happy. Extremely happy.

I believe everyone miss the good old days, and this event managed to bring it back. During the gathering we learned that we're just the same old us inside. All the jokes, all the memories, it stays in our heart. Some dirty talks (dirty means talking about work stuffs) occur, and guess what? In my upcoming job, I will be related to some of them. I then realized, how oil industries are just a small bunch of people. How FEUI-ers, Lobby-B-ers are just connected in some ways. This event is surely confirm how powerful we are (nyehehehe).

I could never have enough word to thank God on all of the blessings. I feel so rich. Thank you God, you are the best architect ever! Alhamdulillah...

Good foods, great time, and wonderful friends... How could I ask for more?...

"I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes." E. E. Cummings

for a reason.

I never enjoy this pms thing.

Since he's back on twitter, I sometimes tweet no mention in reply to his tweet(s). If you ever asked me why I did that, it's because I'd love to get re-connected to him, but somehow I don't have the courage. Somehow I'm terribly afraid that he wouldn't accept me. But today, I did the tweet no mention again, and he replied. Some part of me are happy. Some aren't.

Happy because although he erased my pin, he still follows me on twitter. Well, that's another story. To cut it short, I never replied to his last text msg. I'm letting it be. Hopeless to get things back as it used to be. When everything went well.

Thus, I'm sad because it makes me remember all the things we used to do. The late night jokes, the unimportant thing we talked for ages, the serious chat, everything. I missed all those things. I miss his presence on guiding me on track. I miss his comforting words. There are still some promises we haven't had the chance to deliver. I suppose it won't happen. Ever.

I have to admit he plays an important role in my life. If it wasn't him who did the effort, I'm not sure I am where I am today. I might be lost. He handled me very well at that time. I was on a very critical phase, and he managed to put me back on the right track. But since things aren't going well since then, I'd rather have him just the way when we're apart.

I believe everyone was here for a reason. Including him. I choose to believe that he was sent to bring me back to my sanity. Now that I'm here already, his tasks is done. It's my turn to do all the hard work. And what about him? He's still there...watching me from a far.

While some part of me wish he would be here..watching me closely...

solitude.

I miss living by myself
I miss having to do the routines
I miss doing groceries
I miss choosing the cheapest products
I miss buying veggies that almost due its 'best before'
I miss cooking on my own to cut costs
I miss friendly gatherings
I miss checking promos
I miss hurrying myself into discount places
I miss early morning queing in front of NEXT on boxing day and summer
I miss putting all the stuff found in discount to my bag,
and deciding which one that I should have refund on on the day after
I miss the euphoria of finding bargain yet good quality stuffs
I miss calculating the things I want into working hours
I miss going to a lunch with bunch of girls
I miss having dinner in resto on cold winter nite
I miss sipping drinks in 'coolings'
I miss strolling high street..thinking nothing
I miss dinner at the Ichsan's
I miss what I had
Not because I dislike what I have now,
I just simply miss it...I miss UK...
It's only a year, a year that I'll never ever forget..
My Fortress of Soulitude...

angels vibe.

hatiku senaaaaannggggg!!!

I really believe that I have so many angels without wings around me. It is like they were sent from heaven to plum my mood -plum was the term used by Pandji Pragiwaksono to make you feel better when you're feeling blue. If it's blue, put pink...plum it!.

Few days ago, I was fighting one of the lousiest Friday traffic+rainy day to went to the Isra' Mi'raj celebration. My best friend was sick, and I had to go alone. But somehow I really wanted to go there. I met some friends, those that I haven't seen for a while :) Suddenly my friend said that she bought me a book :) I really want that book but couldn't find it anywhere!! PRICELESS!!

And today, as I arrived in my friend's house, one of them said that she has something for me. And she brought me something that I have always wanted!! Hihihihih I am so excited, may God bless you dear :))

I do feel that I need them. I need to go to those gathering, because I want to, because I'd love to. Even more when I don't feel good bout myself, physically or emotionally. Being around wonderful people can make me feel better, their aura spreads to mine. Believe it or not, it hapens in me.

thanks peeps...love you much..

kebon pedes. june '10

Sudah menjadi tradisi bahwa setidaknya dua bulan sekali gue, nyokap, dan keluarga kakak gue nyekar ke bogor - kebon pedes. seneng kalo liat makamya bersih. Sayangnya terakhir kesana, keadaannya bener2 kotor, kayak ga pernah ditengokin. Kasian eyang, mungkin pada blum sempet aja yaa. Didukung oleh cuaca yang bolak balik ujan, bikin tanaman ekstra cepat gondrong.

Pak Udin bergegas ke arah makam saat melihat kita datang. Pak Udin ini penjaga makam dari jaman baheula. He's like the one who has all the keys. Begitu besar pengabdiannya ama makam, dengan seragam biru tua dan sepatu boot karet, lengkap dengan parang+sapu lidi di tangan.

















tanamannya sampai menjuntai ke lantai..hampir menutupi sisi2 makam di atas pagar besi.

















bala bantuan mang Udin yang bekerja ngeberesin makam


Beliau dan anak buahnya pun langsung bebersih makam, kita pun ikutan turun tangan sambil ngasih arahan supaya begina begini begitu. Makam diperindah bukan karena syirik, tapi supaya yang dateng ngerasa nyaman. Berdoa di bawah keteduhan, apalagi kalo siang..enaknya minta ampun. Setelah bersih, maka kita mulai melakukan ritual berdoa.

All my prayers for you eyangs....semoga bahagia di sisi-Nya. Sekarang Makam-nya udah bersih dan cantik lagi :) sampaiy jumpa bulan depan eyangs..

I am responsible for myself.

In the end I am responsible for my own doings. When the jusdgement day comes, my parents can't help me, my family can't help me, my friends can't help me as well. I will be all alone accepting the verdict. Please do not judge my decission on this one. This is between me and God. I have my own reasons, and I am standing over a firm ground. The law of God.

"If you spend much time on judging people, you won't have time to actually love them"

I lay my eyes upon them.

If this is a coincidence, it is too perfect.

This afternoon, I bought two pieces of hijab to wear to the classes. I want to try to wear hijab (since I don't have any), and want to do something else other than playing with my pashminas. This could be a good start, I thought.

As I sit on the side of a cafe, talking to a friend for a while, I realized the strange thing that has been going on since the moment I sit there. Everywhere I look, I saw women or girls wearing hijab. It is like..EVERYWHERE I gaze, look, or lay sight.

Is it a sign? What does it means?

There I stood. There I thought. What does it means. And until this moment, I can't figure it out.

reformasi rohani.

Ini kisah saya. Kisah saya dalam sebuah pencarian jati diri.

Setelah dua thun lalu saya berada di puncak kekesalan saya terhadap seorang anak manusia, say memutuskan untuk pergi jauh dan menjalin perdamaian dengan diri saya. I was the good girl gone bad. Very bad that at some point, saya merasa malu dengan diri saya sendiri dan segala kebodohan yang pernah saya lakukan. Yes I've gone to parties. Yes I drink alot, and let myself carried away. Yes I did it because I want it. Then I realized that it was not the right thing.

Seorang teman lalu berbicara pada saya, and it starts over a coffee.. "Ay, kalo kamu mau mengenal diri kamu, kamu harus mengenal siapa pencipta kamu". Lanjut lagi "Seperti gini deh, kalo kamu mau tau gimana cara bikin cappuccino atau bahan-bahan untuk membuat secangkir cappuccino, paling bener kamu tanya ke barista-nya, bukan tanya orang laen". Pada saat itu saya setengah mati berusaha memahami apa maksudnya bilang begitu.

Teman saya ini ternyata nggak pernah meninggalkan saya. Dia senantiasa memberikan ketentraman batin melalui kata-kata bijaknya yang sebagian besar berbau religius. Pada awalnya saya melakukan penolakan, namun seperti kata pepatah, batu sekeras apapun kalau ditetesi air pasti akan tergerus juga. Seperti itulah saya. Walau pemahaman saya sudah banyak yang menguap, saya berusaha kembali bersujud di hadapan-Nya setelah sekian lamanya saya merasa sangat nista dan tidak layak untuk bersujud pada-Nya.

Dua tahun berlalu sejak perbincangan itu. Baru sekarang saya memahami maksudnya. Tuhan itu tidak jauh. Saya mulai mencari esensi Tuhan yang sesungguhnya. Surprisingly, saya yang 12 tahun di sekolah Islam itu, hanya dijejali oleh doktrin-doktrin religi. Namanya doktrin, tentu jauh dari pemahaman atas esensi. Itulah relung kosong yang selama ini memnta untuk diisi. Baru sekarang-sekarang ini saat saya yang kebetulan blm bekerja, memiliki waktu luang untuk mencari sesuatu yang dapat mengisi relung kosong itu. Melalui pencarian inilah sedikit demi sedikit saya mulai menemukan-Nya. Menemukan si 'Barista'.

Sejak saat saya mengembalikan diri untuk mencari-Nya. Saya mencari tahu tempat dimana bisa mendapatkan pelajaran-pelajaran agama yang lebih mendalam. Awalnya langkah menuju tempat belajar terasa berat. Lucunya, berat itu hanya di awal doang. Kalau sudah di jalan, semuanya menjadi mudah dan menyenangkan. Lambat laun, saya mulai merasakan ketentraman jiwa. Ketenangan batin yang belum pernah saya rasakan. Satu demi satu urusan menjadi mudah. Kalau sudah berusaha tapi belum berhasil, saya menjadi positive feeling. Saya berpikir bahwa Dia yang Maha Mengatur memiliki rencana lain. Dan semuanya menjadi mudah untuk dihadapi.

Menengok ke belakang, banyak teman-teman yang tidak seberapa dekat berkomentar "si Ayay lagi rajin ngaji" atau "si Ayay berubah banget deh". Berkali-kali saya bilang "people changed, things changed". Lagipula, sesuai keyakinan saya, di hari akhir nanti, toh yang akan bertanggung jawab atas diri saya ya saya sendiri. Orang lain tidak akan diminta pertanggung jawaban atas perbuatan saya.

Dulu, saya rajin solat karna doktrin. Kemudian ada suatu fase dimana saya tidak pernah solat kecuali bulan Ramadhan. Kemudian ada lagi saat dimana saya ingin kembali solat tapi malu terhadap Tuhan karena telah menduakan-Nya. Tentunya saya merasa amat tidak pantas untuk kembali. Dan sekarang ini, saya melakukan ibadah bukan semata karna kewajiban. Tapi karena saya merasa saya lah yang membutuhkannya. Saya lah yang butuh Tuhan, dan ibadah ini yang akan membantu saya kelak untuk menjumpai-Nya. Bila lama absen solat malam, saya merindukan momen 'quality time' bersama Sang Pencipta, karena biasanya disitulah saat dimana saya bercerita kepada Tuhan seperti seorang sahabat bercerita. Setiap puasa pun menjadi mudah, karena saya berpikir bahwa Rasul pun melakukan hal yang jauh lebih berat dan dia berhasil. Apalah artinya puasa saya yang bisa tidur di rumah, pakai AC, baca buku, dll dibandingkan dengan dia yang cobaannya jauh lebih berat. Apalah arti penderitaan saya dibandingkan Sayyidah Fatimah yang 3 hari berturut2 puasa tapi penganan berbukanya diberikan pada orang miskin, anak yatim, dan tawanan perang? Tentu nggak ada artinya. Mengingat itu semua, ibadah saya terbilang jauh lebih mudah dan nikmat.

Mengikuti beberapa pengajian pun saya senang mendapatkan teman-teman baru. Mereka baik dan sangat suportif. Mereka meminjami saya buku-buku, menemani saya ke kelas-kelas religi, dan menjelaskan hal-hal yang saya masih memiliki keraguan atau ketidak jelasan. Sungguh menyenangkan berada diantara mereka yang baik akhlak dan pengetahuan agamanya.

Perubahan saya ini bukan berarti saya menjauh dari teman-teman saya yang dulu. Saya masih anak yang sama, yang masih mau ngopi-ngopi, masih mau kumpul-kumpul, masih semangat main bulutangkis bareng. Cuman kalau nongkrongnya di kafe, saya memiliki garis batasan sendiri. Misalnya, dengan minum yang bukan alkohol. Namun selebihnya, saya masih anak yang sama seperti dulu yang hadir untuk teman-teman saya.

Sya berubah setelah mengalami jihad melawan diri sendiri. Inilah yang berat dan sulit. Tentu akan ada komentar positif dan negatif dari lingkungan saya mengenai perubahan ini. Tapi saya yakin waktu akan menjawab segala pertanyaan mereka atas perubahan diri saya. Saya telah atau sedang mengalami reformasi rohani yang insyaAllah menuju ke arah yang lebih baik.

I'm sharing this because I've been there, I've done that..

Regardless your faith, do find your God.. and you'll be amazed on the changes you'll be having..

sejak kapan dunia adil sama cewek?

I have to disagree on this one. Menurut gue, sebagai umat Islam (jiyyehhh berat deh kali ini), gue merasa bahwa agama gue paling bener. Karena ini keyakinan, dan gue yakin, maka gue percaya dan menganut. Gue yakin temen2 penganut keyakinan apapun punya dasar yang sama kayak gue. Terlepas dari penganut keyakinan apapun, karna gue meyakini pilihan gue, maka gue yakin Tuhan itu Maha Sempurna (don't we all believe in this?). Karna Dia Maha Sempurna, maka Dia menciptakan segala sesuatu lengkap dengan sistemnya. Ga mungkin dong manusia diciptain trus dilepas gitu aja tanpa guidance yang jelas. Kalo menurut keyakinan gue, kitab suci adalah petunjuk hidupnya. Masuk akal kan?

Dengan begini, gue pun yakin kalo diciptakannya manusia dua jenis, yaitu laki2 dan perempuan, tentu ada maksudnya. Dua jenis berbeda, bentuk berbeda, organ2 berbeda, dan tanggung jawab berbeda. Salah satunya mengenai aurat. Cewek kan emang lebih menyenangkan untuk diliat, makanya dikasih tuntunan untuk menutup aurat lebih luas drpd cowok. Masuk akal kan?

Nah, tadi nih gue di twitt ama orang yang bilang "cowoknya yang berbuat, ceweknya yang diputus kontrak. kapan sih dunia adil sama cewek?"Dan dengan isengnya gue nyamber "abis ceweknya sendiri ga adil sih ama dirinya sendiri". Biar lebih jelas lagi, ini refer ke kejadian bocornya video porno 2 org public figure. Abis itu gue diserang kanan kiri aja ama statement itu. Anyway, gue berani bilang begitu karna gue punya alesan-alesan yang akan gue jelasin di bawah ini.

1. Selama terikat kontrak, pihak2 terkait punya hak dan kewajiban masing. Secara ceweknya terikat kontrak iklan oleh sebuah perusahaan fmcg multinasional yang terkenal ketat menjaga reputasi talent-talent-nya, selayaknya kontrak tersebut dijaga kelangsungannya dengan baik. Dalam artian, menjaga perilaku di publik yang kiranya bisa mencederai citra-nya sebagai brand ambassador.

2. Sebagai public figure, memang sudah resiko dan konsekwensi kalau sebagian dari kehidupan pribadinya akan dikonsumsi publik. Jadi akibat dari perbuatannya akan menjadi dua atau bahkan tiga kali lebih berat daripada apabila hal yang sama menimpa org biasa yang nggak terkenal (macam gue gini...tinggal ngilang setaun ke luar, balik2 jg uda pada lupa).

3. Segala perbuatan menimbulkan resiko dan konsekwensinya masing2. Maka kalo sekarang videonya keluar dan berpengaruh thdp karirnya, itu sudah merupakan resiko dan konsekwensi.
a. resiko dr dia bikin video dan konsekwensi karna kurang cermat menjaganya.
b. resiko dari kontrak yang sedang berjalan, yang sudah disetujui oleh kedua pihak.
lagian, kl mo bandel bgitu, ya jgn mau ceweknya aja dong yg disorot. Ceweknya juga pegang kamera, biar cowoknya kesorot jg dengan sering. Kl gitu kan jadi jelas konsekwensinyadi masa depan (kalo hal2 yg ga diinginkan terjadi sperti ini) akan menimpa dua2nya...kalo emang mau fair dari awal loooh.

Bukan berarti gue bilang "rasain looooo". Tapi what I'm tryin to say is that "terima ajalah, memang itu buah dari perbuatanmu sendiri. Yang penting kdepannya aja mau gimana solusinya". Gue bukan tipe orang yang seneng ngorek2 dan mencampuri urusan orang, tapi lebih suka ke arah solusi. Lagian shits happens in life, so what??

Tp conclude, kalo gamau apes, emang cewek harus pinter2 jaga diri. Kalo gamau terjerumus, ya jangan maen2 di jurang. Sebenernya simple aja kok. Apalagi dengan guidance yang jelas, yang dari Tuhan, dmana itu adalah sempurna. Tuhan ga maksain buat dipatuhi, balik lagi ke personal orang2nya. Kalo mau dipatuhi sukuuuur, kl ga dipatuhi ya sukurin. Toh di hari akhir nanti kan tanggung jawabnya individu, bukan kelompok. At your own risk aja gituh.

Semoga kita2 bisa lebih memahami konteks permasalahan ini, dan terlebih buat perempuan, bisa menjaga diri lebih baik lagi. Dunia ini adil kalo lo mau diperlakukan secara adil (maksudnya cerdas dlm bertindak). Kalo lo sendiri ga adil ama diri lo sendiri (baca: ga cerdas thdp diri sendiri), gmn mau minta dunia supaya adil?...

Kata michael jackson sih "I'm startin with the man in the mirror.."

mau lo apa? mau gue apa?

Maunya apa sih ni orang ya?...

Kalo emang serius, bilang terus terang!

Banyak yang musti dibenahin,

Kawin ga kayak beli kucing dalam karung,

Lo musti tau banyak tentang gue,

Emang selama ini lo tau apa?

Selama ini gue tau apa?

Emang lo bisa terima gue apa adanya?

Emang gue bisa terima elo the whole package?

Pandangan gue tentang perkawinan gimana?

Ga segampang itu!

Ga secepet itu!

Semua ada prosesnya, ga maen tembak langsung begitu..

Mau lo apa sih???...

MR. IOUS.

Since the day I met you, I never knew what you've been looking from me. Look at us, we're like 180 different. I'm good girl gone bad (which u strongly disagree); and you're like bad guy gone good. And you are good. I'm not. I stil play with my life. I like extreme games (this one you also disagree). Thus, you keep yourself close. Not like physically close, but you're always there. You talked about marriage, and I have doubt in marriage. I doubt it because I am scared. I have so many secret. So many things hidden in my past and in my family. I don't think you can take it. I don't think I can take you taking it.

Look at you. You sort of care about me. You guide me back on track. You never treated me wrong. You're... different. Sometimes I believe you're the one, but sometimes I don't want you to be the one. You have this door to your life. And you shut it carefully. I can never breakthrough. I never knew what I want to know about you. This whatever relationship is never be equal. I never knew why you always there. Whenever I am, whenever I'm in doubt, you're there. But why? If you're not the one, why you're there? why you stay? Mysterious, yes you are.

Look at me. I'm bad, lousy, and stoopid. I'm careless, fortunately, with you I don't need to care about you because you can take care of yourself. With you, I knew I can lean on when I need you. You comfort me with your words, well guess what? that's what I rarely got. But no you're not here. I feel like I'm sharing you, and that's something I can't do. I've been sharing, now I want one just for me. You said I'm good, but I'm not. Too soon for you to conclude. If you ever want to be a part of my life, you might get a shot. I'm stone cold in front of you. Yes, I hide my feelings. I need to be on my own. On the other side, I share my life to everyone (celebrity? uh no thanks..). I just wish you want to know them even more. I just wish you're...really here in a normal way.

I have too many questions to ask, I doubt you'll have all the answer I need.

NASIONAL.IS.ME

Buku yang dibuat oleh seorang pemuda Indonesia bernama Pandji Pragiwaksono ini sangat inspiratif. Pantas kalo gue acungin jempol ampe 8 (ama jempol nyokap gue, seseorang yang paling berarti dalam hidup gue). Gue nggak banyak kaget dan terpesona sebenernya, karena poin penting yang mau disampaikannya sebagian udah gue alamin sendiri. Antara lain akan gue jabarin di bawah.

Indonesia itu Indah - Iya banget. Setelah gue keliling, gue punya pola yang bisa dibilang monoton untuk beberapa daerah. Misalnya, kalo ke Eropa, lo akan eneg ama Gereja yang aneka rupa, tapi paling mentok pas lo liat St Peter Basilica di Vatikan. /abis lo liat itu, Gereja2 laen akan nampak...biasa2 aja. Bentuk bangunan yang lama-nya ya begitu2 aja. Wisata alamnya, yaaahh cupu. Tapi kalo Indonesia, lo boleh berbangga hati karena selama perjalanan gue, Indonesia masih memegang peringkat juara buat kumpulan pantainya yang indah. Mau pantai karang kek, pantai apa kek..tetep paling cakep. Lembah dan gunungnya juga mag-ni-fi-cent!!! you just can't get enough of it. Sangat dianjurkan buat eksplorasi kekayaan negeri, karena sumpah kita sangat kaya.

Indonesia Ekonominya bagus - yes, berdasarkan berbagai studi, ekonomi Indonesia cukup stabil dalam menghadapi badai krisis finansial 2008 kemarin. Kita cuman defisit 2% dibandingin negara lain yang berada di kisaran 9%-11%. Majalah The Economics edisi sekitar October 2009 pernah menyediakan sebuah ulasan komprehensif mengenai Indonesia dan memuji kestabilan negara kita sehingga dibilang negara kita ini potensial menjadi besar. Sekarang universitas2 di dunia sedang gencar membahas tentang Cina dan India. Kalau kita bisa memantain atau meningkatkan posisi negara kita, ga menutup kemungkinan kalo Indonesia akan jadi topik penting beberapa tahun ke depan. Hermawan Kertajaya sendiri bilang kalo ngomongin Asia, 4 negara yang jadi bahan pembicaraan: Cina, India, Vietnam, Indonesia. See? We are that potential!!

Indonesia = Creative - Dengan kekayaan budaya begini rupa? Pastinya kreatif. Banyak wakil kita di kancah dunia, dari bidang Sains ampe Entertainment (bukan entertain kayak yang suka dibilang ama artes2 di tv..kampring!). Bandung itu kota yang kreatif karena seniman dan suporternya. Warga Bandung sangat mendukung kreasi2 yang tercipta, makanya acara2 sering digelar dan jarang sepi. Kalo jalan ke kota2 kecil, sering ba get kan lo liat hasil pengrajin2 lokal yang harganya sangat terjangkau. Gue dan Nyokap seringkali jalan2 misalnya ke Jepara dan pesen furniture yang agak banyak. Harganya jauh lebih murah daripada harga Jakarta dan ukirannya jauh lebih apik. Nyokap gue nggak pernah nawar terlalu jauh, kadang dia cuman make sure ja kalo harganya 'pantes'. Dia sangat menghargai hasil karya anak negeri, dan membantu mereka berkembang. Contoh lain adalah berhubungan dengan hobi nyokap yang koleksi kain. Setiap gue ke sebuah daerah, nyokap selalu mencari kain khas daerah itu dan beli. Mau harganya jutaan (bukan nyombong, tapi emang ga murah, karna pembuatannya ga gampang), dia bakal beli (selama harganya dinilai pantas). Pernah suatu kali kita ke rumah kecil tempat pengrajin kain Palembang, dan si nenek2 pengrajinnya lagi nganyam. Nyokap udah suka ama anyamannya, tu kain dibeli saat itu juga, untuk dikirim ke Jakarta begitu kainnya selesai dibuat. Sebulan kemudian, kain itu sampai ke rumah gue. Lemari khusus diperuntukkan nyimpan berbagai kain. Dari batik Iyut, Eyang, yang dia koleksi sendiri, tenun Lampung, Palembang, Medan, Padang, Timor, Makassar..you name it, we have it. Yes, we love Indonesia.

Setidaknya 3 hal itu cukup kuat untuk membuat gue mencintai negeri ini. Terlebih setelah gue ke luar, dan gue ngeliat kalo ternyata negara lain pun ga se-indah yang selama ini kita pikir. Sama aja punya konflik, masalah, dan isu2. Tapi urusan negara lain, gue ga peduli (egois dikit..heheh). Gue mau urusin negeri gue. Gue mau bergerak dan berkarya buat negeri ini. Alesan yang membuat gue memilih balik daripada berjuang mati2an di negeri orang; gue akan merasa lebih puas dan lebih berarti kalo berjuang mati2an di negeri sendiri. I'll do whatever I can. I travel alot, pertama karna gue suka jalan2; kedua, karna gue pengen share ke seluruh dunia bahwa negara gue bagus dan lo ga bakal nyesel kalo kesana. Kadang gue gemes ama kelakuan pemerintah yang kurang support ama parwisata padahal kalo digarap serius, yakin banget gue...GA BAKAL SEDIKIT PENDAPATAN DARI PARIWISATA. But they are who they are. I can't change them, but I can change my attitude. Semua dimulai dari diri sendiri.

Kalau bukan kita yang mulai menghargai, gimana orang lain mau menghargai?
kalo bukan kita yang cinta negeri ini, siapa lagi?

INDONESIAUNITE

the world and the after life.

I've been trying to learn more about my religion lately. The thing is, the more I know, the less I understand. Like when it comes about our life in the world and the after life. In Ramadhan, during the month, we are supposed to be more attached in to activities that'll secure our place in the after life. But as a human, we do work for our life. If we have to concentrate totlly on our after life security activities, we might lost what we've been building so far in life. I believe my religion shouldn't make it any harder. There's gotta be some ways to overcome the problem. Such as win-win solutions. I still have plenty un-answered questions.

The more I know, the less I understand....

the first among the girls.

From the moment we were teenagers, and grew up, we put on a bet on who's the first one that's getting married. The bet was on the girls, because of the age factors and our local Eastern tradition. However, things didn't seems to work the way we'd expect it to be. The guys said the vow first. So far, there are two (out of 9) is married, June another one is getting married, yes..all of them are guys. I thought it's acurse that all the girls are not so fortunate when it comes to love life. But the curse is about to break.

Leny is getting married. They've talked about it quite seriously, and as alway...I'm the who became extremely happy. Especially since she's like a sister to me. I never had a sister, with her, I feel like I have one. We share everything. Like practically everything. She taught me how to do y first kiss, and all dating thingy. She rescued me from a not-so-well date(s). She's the one who stood by me and encouaged me whenever I'm in a low down. Yet, she never against me on any of my relationshit. She's always happy for me although she knew exactly that the guy I was with is a complete a** hole. Then again, she let me cry on her shoulder, and managed to find me a time in her loaded schedule.

By those reasons, how can I not be happy :D I'm the one who's very excited. I asked my friend to get me one whole set of toiletteries from M&S for her. And I'm so ready to be her bumper and accompany her through all the way. I might as well cry, but these are the tears of happiness. I am so happy. Suddenly, the thing of me being single is no longer major issue. I do stressed out a bit for not having a secure relationship (well, that's the story we wnted to be, that by the time one of us is getting married, the others would aready in a secure relationship..not everything goes the way we want it too tho..); but her happiness, and her matters comes first.

Hopefully, after one of the girl is down the isle, soon the rest will follow...Amiiinnn

disconnect.

Semakin hari gue semakin menemukan ketidak cocokan antara gue dan dia. I've told you guys that he's fanatic right? not to mention that he supports poligamy. I might as well say that I do believe it happens, but I don't support it. I still think that it's not fair for women. Men and their ability to be fair? Who can ever guarantee? Even our own prophet does not sure that he's fair enough although I believe he tried his best and he probably does. So then I made myself clear that I'm not discussing it, (as well as he is) to get married with eachother. So we're clear about it.

I've been sharing my man for the last few years, and I came to a conclusion that I don't enjoy it. Thus, such behavior is unacceptable in my manners. Please do understand that some people maybe that strong to hold on. Well, I am definetely exclude in that group. I only want a normal life. Me, one man (husband) and kids. A normal life.

It's about time to call it off. Dead end, and the next thing to do, to go back and start again. I'm tired, but I can't stop. I have to go on, and have some faith. Singletini's, here we goooo!!!!!

fanatic.

it turns out to be that he's a fanatic follower...and I'm not comfortable with it.

the one that made me stoned.

him : please do consider
me : about what?...

............ (he stepped out from the car, while the taxi was waiting for him)

him : please consider that I might propose you for a marriage
me :.................... (silence, shocked, and I am so damn sure my face changed!!!)
we'll talk about it later
him : of course we'll talk about itu later, not now :)


still shocked. to this second.

my blushing moment

highlight of the day...


h : I have a strong feeling that you can be a good wive :)
m : yeah rite, this time? when I have doubt about spouses?
I mght be the one who think that u could be a good husband.
h : tapi aku serius tadi itu :) you'd be a good wive
m : tau darmana?
h : yo're a keeper
m : aaauuuuwwww *blushing*
h : okay. now you're not. hwaaehaheahehah :))

it's nice to hear nice things came out from....him....

(Late) twenties and baggages.

Beberapa hari lalu gue ngobrol panjang sama sahabat gue mengenai hidup. Berat ya topiknya? Eiym! Kalau ditelaah lebih dalam lagi, obrolan kita ampe mendalami latar blakang keluarga. Unfortunately, kita berdua, dan bberapa yang kita juga diskusikan di topik nggak punya background keluarga yang normal. We all seems normal, but in fact, we're not. Setiap orang punya rahasia dan permasalahannya sendiri2. Tau ga ujung2nya apaan? Pasangan hidup.

Kalo udah di penghujung umur dua puluhan gini, paham banget kan kalo keluarga (inti maupun nggak) seakan mendesak supaya "cepet nikah". Nah, itulah permasalahan di ujung sananya. Nengok sekeliling, temen2 kita udah pada merit, punya anak, punya anak kedua (atau sedang program), atau lebih gila lagi...berencana cerai. Bukannya ga mau, bukannya nggak berusaha, tapi...ga semua cerita berakhir sesuai dengan yang kita harapkan.

Seiring sruputan root beer di A&W, cerita demi cerita bergulir. Si M yang selama ini kita liat perfect as in she's everything that a man could want..ternyata she's the one who struggle on each relationship. Si L yang normal, ternyata tiba2 tau kalo dia bukan keturunan biologis orangtuanya yang sekarang ini. Si T yang udah having a steady relationship, ternyata masih berpikir berkali2 untuk melangkah lebih lanjut. Si A juga punya tekanan dari keluarga (orang tua yang udah cukup berumur) untuk segera berkeluarga. Sementara gue dan sahabat gue ini...we are our parent's only hope to throw a proper wedding. One thing in common: baggages. We all have baggages and loving them.

Sometimes persoalan pasangan hidup ini ga berenti di titik menyembuhkan luka hati kita. Tapi luka hati di baggages kita ini. Kekecewaan hati kita, kita masih kuat nanggung. Tapi kekecewaan orangtua, ipar, dan keluarga (secara gue tetanggan ama keluarga kakak gue yaa)... itu lebih dalem. Pertama, mereka pasti sedih kalo hubungan kita dengan seseorang berakhir, karena mereka akan ngeliat kita sedih juga. Kedua, berarti dalam urusan si pasangan ini, kita harus memulai lagi dari awal, mengenalkan lagi, dan melalui fase penyesuaian yang cukup meletihkan. Ketiga, waktu terus berjalan..reality bbites, biological clock is ticking. Everytime a relationship ended, it's the baggages that we care the most.

We want our baggages to be happy and proud of us. But when it comes to finding "the one", we are absolutely clueless. It's not that we're doing nothing, we tried..we always do. But we just haven't found the one. All we can do is to pray to God to give them a chance to be there when we say "I Do". Amiin...

when love and hate collide (part deux)

Rupiah menguat! sbagai warga negara Indonesia, menyadari kalo sebagian besar rakyat negeri ini bertopang pada nilai rupiah, saya berbahagia. Berarti, bangsa ini diuntungkan. Berarti, daya beli masyarakat meningkat. Good for us! Apalagi di tengah krisis dunia (walau alhamdulillah sekali, di Indonesia ini nggak terlalu kerasa yaaa), negara kita berhasil stabil dalam perekonomian, atau bahkan bisa dibilang meningkat.

Di sisi lain, secara saya belum bekerja, dan mengandalkan tabungan GBP...saya miris :((((( semakin hari, nilai GBP menurun, dan daya beli saya menurun. Hadeeeeeeeeehhhhh....apes benner ini namanyaaaaaaa.......huhuhuhuhuh....

Must. Get. A. Job. Soon.

tenaga kerja.

susah banget cari kerjaan. udah apply sana sini blm dapet juga. ga dpanggil interview lah, ga ada kabar lah. They don't even bother to send a rejection letter. Hellooo saya mengangguuurrr!!!!!!

connected.

yes saya tau saya telat. tapi saya sekarang bisa wifi-an di rumah..hehehhe *jingkrak2 sendirian*

photo session

Rino pengen bikin portfolio buat side job-nya di photgraphy. Sekarang ini dia lagi seneng banget ama infra-red photography. Tawaran job udah ada, tapi dia blom pede kalo nggak ada contoh hasta karya-nya itu. Hnah, kebetulan kan ada anak2 yang selalu sedia menjadi korban percobaan (tentunya termasuk gue yang super murah buat diajak kmanapun). So we set the date to take pictures...di Sentul. Yes, mereka sudah survery, gue percaya aja lah yaaa..

Dengan mengusung tema piknik, aseli properti yang dipake banyak bet. Hold on, bukan dipake, tapi disiapin!! hahhah aiya, ada kembang2 jepit rambut, topi super duper lebar, head band, dll. Ready to go aaahh!!!!!! Akhirnya kita sampe Sentul jam makan siang..which is kita tentunya laper. Tapi nggak lama sih kita makan siang, soljum. Abis itu mulai foto2. Yang jadi model utamanya Kay, Aldo, dan Nita. Keluarga ini bertiga lah yang utama, sementara gue Edo dan Rendy (as always) adalah si tim rusuh. Sukur2 kalo bagus bisa di publish (wuuuhuuuwww!!!).

Banci2 foto ini ga butuh waktu lama loh buat luwes di depan kamera dengan sejuta gaya dan posisi. Hasil fotonya kata Rino mau ditaro di web gitu, tapi blom tau apaan. Gue udah advise buat ikutan taro di weddingku.com dan FD. Ntar kalo web-nya udah jadi (tp katanya masi lama), atau hasilnya udah selesai di-olah digital, gue akan share beberapa. Jangan kaget kalo liat gue nampak semacam poliandri disitu..hahahah namanya juga modeeeeelll (aiiih matteeee!!!!)... I've got few pictures on my camera tho, but that'll be "the making of"..or the "behind the scenes". Will share some when I got the chance to post it online...

It's been quite a while loh since we do things together..and to be able to do it again..it's always been...priceless...

the other side.

grandoooossss......me need your point of vieeewwwww!!!!!
maydaaaayyy!!!!!!

when love and hate collide.

This is it. This is what they called "when love and hate collide". It's been years, and it happens twice that I was being the one who is in the position of loosing. He never managed to live alone, always sorrounded with girls. He's the one who slept with other girl, got her pregnant, and hated her for making him suffer. I call it payback time. This time I thought I healed. I thought I'm back on my feet. Yet I'm standing in one. My other feet really wants to kick his ass. The thing between us has never been able to be extinguished. We can only managed to escape for a while from the reality that it never exist.

I do want to escape for good. I wish I could say no, and never turned back. I'm still trying to find out how to do it. Maybe I just have to do it, not to wait for tomorrow, or later on. I wish "US" never happened. Yes, I am that angry to say it. He always said that I'm the best he ever had. However, I never see it in his actions. It remains as words. If you feel it, you have to show it. Or else, they wouldn't know.

And back to the same conclusion, once a bastard, always a bastard. It is just how it is. I can't bear to have this kind of man in my life. He's not strong enough to be my man. But he still has the capabilities to hurt me. This is the battle I am fighting. Should I be Buffy, or Blair Waldorf? I suppose some people just don't know how to grow up. Never learn from the past. Maybe it's their education, maybe they simply don't have the will. I haven't found the perfect answer.

The worst thing he did was making me deel traumatized to men. I saw men as a horrible ridiculous creature that I can never trust. They never show their feelings perfectly, the only thing they have in mind is sex, and they rarely have a brain. Yups, he did it perfectly. And yes again, he did nothing to fix it. Making a mess, and never cleans it.

There I said it...love and hate collide.

Oh, when said to someone that he is a good leader... I didn't mean it. He's awful.

And when someone that I thought my friend -since she knew my stories and begged me to be with him again- , turns out to be with him, she's no longer my friend. Period.

Screw you...what's left? Use him sporadically...I'm saying this to everyone. Hope you'll dissappear and rotten in hell...

again.

fooled again.

same guy, same plot, different details. Instead of looking for someone like me, why don't try me?

Once a bastard, always a bastard.

There IS a line between friends in friendship. Some people just not smart enough to understand ethics. Or he/she is simply not a friend. Period.