drop dead diva.

I just finished watching 'drop dead diva' and found some similarities.

In the end, she (Jane/Deb) was disappointed by his 'husband' who kissed her best friend. They didn't mean it, but it hurts her like hell that she decided to chase her dream and made it come true. Right when she confidently doing it alone, her current boyfriend - who's supposed to leave to New Zealand, postponed his plan and join her on the plane to Italy. While on the ground, Grayson tried to chase her but he was too late. Too late.

You see, sometimes you were standing on a point where you believe the whole world turns against you. Everything you stood for was fallen apart, and you need some space, as well as time to think it through. To heal your wounds, and then to make a come back. I've been there.

I left Jakarta when everything falls apart. I made a fresh start and think it through. What will I do, who should I trust, where am I going for my future, and many more things. Today, I am grateful to made it to UK. And most of all, I am grateful to be able to see this one person who stays while I tried to leave, while I tried to let go. I wasn't expecting that person to be him, not because I don't want him, but because deep down I don't see myself good enough for him. It turns out that the one I was expecting, didn't made any blunt move to convince me. So let him go. Hard at first, but it was the right thing to do. And the one who stayed... he turns out to believe I am good enough for him.

Today, we're still together, no one knows what will happen in the future, but we decided to take things slow. It might works, it might not. But this time, we're doing it right.

mother.

As far as I'm concerned, being a mother is everything but easy. You got to make your house tidy, provide a proper education to your kids, apart from being a wife (speaking of a complete family). Anyway, I saw lots of examples that I dislike from nowadays mother(s).

Communication technology made it easy for people to connect. Blackberries, androids, many more. Frankly, I hate it when mother choose their devices over their kids. I just saw a li'l boy who's excitedly shared his happiness of having a new toy, eagerly explaining to his mother, yet his mother responded with a flat face. Other times, a mother giving him a milk on her right hand, and playing with her device on her left hand. Only once in a while she took a glance to her son. To make it worse, she use the internet facility to browse over the 'fun' things that interest her, instead of gaining her knowledge over parenting and other things. Gosh, why would you do that? What was the boy's fault that he doesn't get full attention from his mother?

I believe being a mother requires you to be active. In some matters, you will depend on your husband, but to provide an early education, and also to be the domestic goddes, that is a mother's responsibility.

I promised myself that once I am being a mother, it'll all about my kids. I had enough fun, I will provide my kids with the best, not the most expensive, but the best. Excuse me, but those International school with field trip to Singapore doesn't interest me at all. I want my kids to love their home country, to understand the richness of their home country before admiring other countries. I want them to know 'Bawang merah bawang putih', 'si kancil', 'jaka tarub', and local legends before 'cinderella', 'beauty and the beast', 'lion king', 'rapunzel', and such. Field trip to Jogja, Pangandaran, Pulau Seribu, is waaay much better than stamps on their passports.

There you go, my framework of being a mother, if maybe one day it'll came true.

year end.

Gosh, it's almost year end...

Can't believe I've made it this far with him. It wasn't an easy adjustment, and still an ongoing process even to this second. I knew it's not easy to deal with me. I'm skeptical when it comes to relationship. Past experiences made me more aware on any risk and consequences. Yet, relationship doesn't works like mathematics, you can not calculate every risk and opportunities. Well I do wish it could be that easy. But most of the times, you can only do your best and let God do the rest.

I suppose with him, God really helps to make it works. Long distance sucks, the closer the better, and look at me now. Long distance. Communication? that's another issue. Although I'm struggling with plenty of un-replied texts, emails, not to mention un-answered phone calls, we're still where we are today. I'm still working on that area, though. He is a fine man, I used to think he's perfect. Now that I knew more, he's not. None are perfect. It's a matter of acceptance and compromise. Proper communication could make it easier. But we talked about important things that are fundamentals, more than just small talks.

He's everything I'm not. I'm everything he's not. Opposites attracts? Maybe. We became more serious right when things went pretty bad on his side. It was crazy. Remember when I said I once dreamed about us, waaaaay before the relationship begins, maybe even when we started to knew about each other? Well, that comfortable feeling is what really happens now. Apart from all of the adjustments we need to work on, I am very comfortable with him.

We'll never knew where the future is going to take us, I'm just taking it step by step, one at a time. Again, all I can do is to do my best, and pray may everything went alright somehow. If it's meant to be, it'll find its way.

This year, everything changes. I changed, my life changed, and my views changed. Let's see what 2012 has to offer... Whatever it is, I'm ready. Bring it on, I knew it's going to be awsome :)

re-activate

re-activate me, I mean. After a while I haven't wrote a thing, I finally got my own laptop. Wait for my stories anytime soon...

something in the middle.

there's always something came up in the middle when we're about to meet. maybe we're not supposed to see each other yet. I was supposed to expect nothing. What happens now is...I'm feeling flat. Not sad, not hurt. Flat.

time.

Almost 3 weeks now. Can't believe how busy we are that we haven't got the chance to say hi. As weird as it seen, I decided to let things flow and not to push things. Statistically speaking, I haven't got much time left. We'll see. Just see :)

locked.

oh well, maybe all these things i'm writing will stay locked inside.

All i ever wanted, was a happy ending. Although some people said that when it's happy, it's not the end, yet. Years after years, you stood there to guide me, persistently on my side. And I begin to think that you're the one. I don't know yet tho. You're a good man, a very fine gentlement. But on the other side, the fact that you're being mysterious is exhausting. Until when I could hold on to this? You're everything but normal. I kinda feel this is going very slow. And you always put me on your hook. I might have to be blunt to ask you to take off that hook. I begin to got the pattern. When I text you an announcement, you won't reply. You won't respond. At all. Okay, you do sometimes. Barely. You only respond to things that excites you. I don't see me excites you that much. Hey, whatever. I don't really care. As long as you don't say that the worlds revolves around me. How come it doesn't when I only have limited access less than normal relationship. I freqwently asked how yo're doing, how's your side, and got no response. Then what should I talked about? yes! me. I want you to know much about me. I should've just shut up and see how's it going. I need to let loose. This being serious kinda thing made me expect much from us. For example, to speed things up. To try and work things out FAST. It might be my ego, but that's because I don't know what's going on on your side. I consistently been missing you. I don't think being apart do any good. This feeling of being attached, is not good. I'm always good at being on my own, controlling my own plate. This is something I need to work on. While we're apart, let's just took some time to figure things out. I believe you already did, I'm the one who need it. I want to have a normal relationship, but what's normal? define normal? So silly to believe that the expert in communication seems like lack of communication. Lots of things going on, and i need some time to breathe...

i.dope.u

we're too busy. we're not distance apart, but we're events apart. I don't get us. I don't get you. Abstract. Sometimes its just too damn scattered that I can only enjoy and try not to think too much. I don't know where you're taking me. I close my eyes, and feel...

What's the worse thing that could happen to me? .....

I dope you...

tight money policy

need to make several adjustment; particularly in financial area due to sudden changes in family condition.

investment needs to be reduced - light impact to future, changes in priorities. Target is to reduce ratio to 30-40% only. be less aggressive!

daily life cost needs to be reduced - but still live comfortably (less coffee shops visits; less luxury spending)

efficient costing - telco cost can be reduced, make sure all settings are correct

THERE. I'm officially in tight money policy

humph.

niat ke bandung buat contemplating berakhir dengan sebuah keputusan yang akan mengejutkan banyak pihak.

all I have to do is to make myself REALLY SURE.

beyond a smile.

Tuhan,

aku kehabisan kata

aku kehilangan muka

aku duduk terdiam

sunyi sepi sendiri

Tuhan,

Engkau ingat kan saat aku tulis surat itu?

saat aku memohon kepada-Mu

dua buah hal dalam hidupku

Tuhan,

belum menginjak tengah tahun,

baru di kwartal pertama,

Engkau kabulkan kontan keinginanku,

tanpa basa basi

Tuhan,

sungguh aku bahagia,

tapi izinkan aku turut terdiam

izinkan itu menjadi rahasia kita

untuk beberapa saat..

Tuhan,

disela kebahagiaan yang Engkau limpahkan,

tersisa duka atas kesedihan para sahabat,

belitan masalah yang cukup berat,

meninggalkan keputusan akhir yang memilukan

Tuhan,

maafkan aku dan kelemahanku,

badanku lunglai mendengar kisah mereka

satu demi satu.. hari demi hari

hatiku seperti disayat dan ditoreh

ternyata banyak yang jahat, Tuhan...

Tuhan,

tolong aku dengan membahagiakan mereka,

aku dan segala keterbatasanku,

tidak sampai hati aku melihat mereka bersedih,

tolong kembalikan senyuman ceria mereka,

yang senantiasa menemaniku,

mewarnai hari2ku...

Tuhan,

kuingat janji-Mu bahwa setelah sulit,

akan Engkau beri kebahagiaan berlipat2.

Jadikan mereka pribadi yang kuat ya Tuhan,

semoga hadirku dapat meringankan beban mereka

Terimakasih ya Tuhan,

atas waktu-Mu mendengarkan aku;

hanya kepada Engkau aku memohon,

dan kukembalikan segala urusan pada kuasa-Mu

torn apart.

Just when I had my own happiness....

* a good friend of mine cancelled his wedding, only a month before d-day.. cause of cancellation? money, social status, wealth.. a reason that is too low for an educated girl like her.. how words could disguise attitude, yet finally the truth revealed..

* a good friend of mine got tired with her boyfriend whatsoever.. she's tired of being the one who nurture him, and nothing in return..

* a good friend in my previous office had her wedding last Saturday, and I wasn't invited.. later I found out that none of the youngsters were invited... still, I'm surprised..

I really hope everything went well with my journey...

ever yours, ever mine, ever ours...

L.D.R

it's been two weeks but we missed each other badly almost everyday since week 2... how are we suppose to survive for the next 50 weeks?..

we

Thanks for your trust in me. It'll be a journey we'll never forget. There will be less 'you' , and less 'me', but there will be a lot of 'we'. May God bless our relationship.

something always...

brings me back to you..

-gravity: Sarah Bareilles-

and when I have the idea to close chapter you, you did it again. you asked me to visit you in Bandung. Oh my, what is it with Bandung? I am always related to that city.

The thing about you asking me to come and visit was never been expected. It is good to know that you're trying to let me in, in your mysterious life. however, as usual, our classic issue always on the way. we never could get our schedule synchronized. I don't know what to do about it. I can't control it. I tried to reach you but you're drifting away. we're both busy, and distance apart. Impossible to meet up without any plans. Please bear with me and work things out. We'll see how it goes, and we'll figure out what to do next. I'm overwhelmed with the invitation but I'm keeping my feet on the ground.

crossroad.

I don't know where to start.

Okaiy. So here we are. Clueless with what we have. I see you acknowledge that you are THAT mysterious to me. Despite how much I enjoy your company, our endless discussion, our intense untold feelings, I have no idea how long I could bear with this. My clock is ticking. I have plans. You have plans. I don't know, and not sure if it'll ever meet halfway, or someway.

I don't know how much time I have left. I do wish I could have the chance knew you better. Much better than how well I've known you so far. And fast. Yes, fast. Not in a hurry, but you know... to assure me to go for it or to turn the other way around. I do think I know how you feel, but if you never told me, then I would be assuming. Which is bad. Assumption is not supported with facts. Please tell me. Even if you think I can't handle it. None of us would know if none of us tried. We'll deal with it.

I am tired not knowing. Of having unanswered questions. This is not what I had in mind. This is not how I want it to be. I need securities, in any forms. If you can't provide that, then I am closing chapter 'you'.

You should believe that I am good being alone. Although having a company would be better, even great. I am no longer that girl who dreamed of prince charming. All I want is someone who have the same willingness to go towards the same direction. You or I might fell once in a while, but we'll figure things out eventually and rise again. Someone who'll be there for me, who I believe can be my team mate in this game of life. Love? maybe someday love will grew.

Surprised? I am not good in relationship. I often screw things. But I learned. And this time, I do hope it'll last... No more drama, no more tricks...

So dear, I am sorry to put you in such a long journey on a rough and winding road. All the best for us. Cheers..

too much.

is it too much if I said "I miss you" and everything about you...