so this is it..

it's not easy, but if it's meant to be, we'll find our way back. In the mean time, let's just leave it as good as it is.

As much as we could blame each other, I prefer to keep it as 'lessons learned'

hey you..

i miss our long convo..hey you..

2012. Rough One.

I was expecting 2012 to be better, nicer than 2011. I had everything falls in its place in 2011. Perfect. Beautiful.

Passing 1st quarter, I already got a lot of bitterness to say. Full of uncertainty, in all the way.

First, my job. They got me transferred to KL, fully in charge for Indonesia. Proud? Yes. Who else? It's gotta be the single one. The interview went well; the bargaining is a bit hard and still below my expectation; the permit got rejected. I'm still buying my time to find other opportunities instead of being transferred. I'm sorry to say, but KL is not the kind of city I love to live in. However, if I have to, then I have to. I got no say at all. I tried to be calm, I do. It's not easy. Somehow there's a part of you that always do the thinking although you're in a holiday mode, weekend mode, whatever. It keeps on thinking.

Second, well.. 'you know who' is back on track at work and being super busy that I find myself drifted apart. I'm not going to push it, not again. I'm too tired of trying (not with this one, but with the previous one), all I want is to work it out together. A quarter of analyzing is enough to say that it's going down the drain. But I guess I'm fine, I'm alright. This one is easier than the last one. It's too bad we can't make it through, but there's a lot of things going on. Nobody's fault, it's just -again- we don't have enough time to spend together which leads to communication problem and so on. If we're meant to be, we'll find our way one day. Or maybe I didn't give a lot of thinking about seperating because the energy spent on thinking about career is just too much.

Third, about friends, i'm re-connecting with those in the past. Nicely built, I had fun re-connecting. Uni guys are doing great, instead they tried to refer me to several opportunities. Guys in the hood are also doing great, Kari got accepted in the company he wants as a permanent employee. As usual, on weekends we like to hang out just to talk over coffee cups. However, some also... left. Some find other interest, most are in money and lifestyle. Both doesn't interest me at all. I guess I'm not responding to them either.. Everything changes.. yeah it always do..

Owh yes... the story is not yet ended...still got 3 more quarters to tell... let's see what else is here.. no matter what happens, always be grateful.. as Mr Cole said..

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by....

Drew - Setengah Mati

Dari semua yang ku lakukan
Dari semua akal ku sampaikan
Dari semua mimpi terkabulkan
Dari semua khilaf dan kesalahan

Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar

Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati

Dari semua yang ku lakukan
Dari semua akal yang ku sampaikan
Dari semua mimpi yang terkabulkan
Dari semua khilaf dan kesalahan

Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar

Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati

Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati

Kini semua mimpi tlah terkabulkan

#hmmph.................

drop dead diva.

I just finished watching 'drop dead diva' and found some similarities.

In the end, she (Jane/Deb) was disappointed by his 'husband' who kissed her best friend. They didn't mean it, but it hurts her like hell that she decided to chase her dream and made it come true. Right when she confidently doing it alone, her current boyfriend - who's supposed to leave to New Zealand, postponed his plan and join her on the plane to Italy. While on the ground, Grayson tried to chase her but he was too late. Too late.

You see, sometimes you were standing on a point where you believe the whole world turns against you. Everything you stood for was fallen apart, and you need some space, as well as time to think it through. To heal your wounds, and then to make a come back. I've been there.

I left Jakarta when everything falls apart. I made a fresh start and think it through. What will I do, who should I trust, where am I going for my future, and many more things. Today, I am grateful to made it to UK. And most of all, I am grateful to be able to see this one person who stays while I tried to leave, while I tried to let go. I wasn't expecting that person to be him, not because I don't want him, but because deep down I don't see myself good enough for him. It turns out that the one I was expecting, didn't made any blunt move to convince me. So let him go. Hard at first, but it was the right thing to do. And the one who stayed... he turns out to believe I am good enough for him.

Today, we're still together, no one knows what will happen in the future, but we decided to take things slow. It might works, it might not. But this time, we're doing it right.

mother.

As far as I'm concerned, being a mother is everything but easy. You got to make your house tidy, provide a proper education to your kids, apart from being a wife (speaking of a complete family). Anyway, I saw lots of examples that I dislike from nowadays mother(s).

Communication technology made it easy for people to connect. Blackberries, androids, many more. Frankly, I hate it when mother choose their devices over their kids. I just saw a li'l boy who's excitedly shared his happiness of having a new toy, eagerly explaining to his mother, yet his mother responded with a flat face. Other times, a mother giving him a milk on her right hand, and playing with her device on her left hand. Only once in a while she took a glance to her son. To make it worse, she use the internet facility to browse over the 'fun' things that interest her, instead of gaining her knowledge over parenting and other things. Gosh, why would you do that? What was the boy's fault that he doesn't get full attention from his mother?

I believe being a mother requires you to be active. In some matters, you will depend on your husband, but to provide an early education, and also to be the domestic goddes, that is a mother's responsibility.

I promised myself that once I am being a mother, it'll all about my kids. I had enough fun, I will provide my kids with the best, not the most expensive, but the best. Excuse me, but those International school with field trip to Singapore doesn't interest me at all. I want my kids to love their home country, to understand the richness of their home country before admiring other countries. I want them to know 'Bawang merah bawang putih', 'si kancil', 'jaka tarub', and local legends before 'cinderella', 'beauty and the beast', 'lion king', 'rapunzel', and such. Field trip to Jogja, Pangandaran, Pulau Seribu, is waaay much better than stamps on their passports.

There you go, my framework of being a mother, if maybe one day it'll came true.

year end.

Gosh, it's almost year end...

Can't believe I've made it this far with him. It wasn't an easy adjustment, and still an ongoing process even to this second. I knew it's not easy to deal with me. I'm skeptical when it comes to relationship. Past experiences made me more aware on any risk and consequences. Yet, relationship doesn't works like mathematics, you can not calculate every risk and opportunities. Well I do wish it could be that easy. But most of the times, you can only do your best and let God do the rest.

I suppose with him, God really helps to make it works. Long distance sucks, the closer the better, and look at me now. Long distance. Communication? that's another issue. Although I'm struggling with plenty of un-replied texts, emails, not to mention un-answered phone calls, we're still where we are today. I'm still working on that area, though. He is a fine man, I used to think he's perfect. Now that I knew more, he's not. None are perfect. It's a matter of acceptance and compromise. Proper communication could make it easier. But we talked about important things that are fundamentals, more than just small talks.

He's everything I'm not. I'm everything he's not. Opposites attracts? Maybe. We became more serious right when things went pretty bad on his side. It was crazy. Remember when I said I once dreamed about us, waaaaay before the relationship begins, maybe even when we started to knew about each other? Well, that comfortable feeling is what really happens now. Apart from all of the adjustments we need to work on, I am very comfortable with him.

We'll never knew where the future is going to take us, I'm just taking it step by step, one at a time. Again, all I can do is to do my best, and pray may everything went alright somehow. If it's meant to be, it'll find its way.

This year, everything changes. I changed, my life changed, and my views changed. Let's see what 2012 has to offer... Whatever it is, I'm ready. Bring it on, I knew it's going to be awsome :)