flat..

Beberapa waktu lalu, hubungan kembali terjalin kembali antara gue dan si kampret itu. Cerita punya cerita, ternyata dia udah bubaran ama ceweknya, which means, gajadi kawin. Kalo ngeliat gelagatnya, dia pengen balik ama gue. Sepertinya kalo perasaan gue masih sama, pastinya gue akan menyambut. Yang aneh adalah, setelah gue tau dia putus, daya tariknya jadi hilang. Well, probably because I can proof that I finally win. But at some reason, I don't see the future in our relationshit. Sepertinya gue keras menentang rencana Tuhan kalo bilang ga mungkin, so let me put it this way. Gue ngebuka kesempatan buat siapa pun yang punya niat baik buat mengenal gue lebih jauh. But especially for him, I believe there are too many chances I have given that he just let it slipped away. Too many that I lost count. Too many that I had zero inventory. This time, he has to earned it. He has to fix it. And if he doesn't, I'm not the one who lost.

Wait....on a second thought, this feeling is probably not love, melainkan keinginan untuk memiliki. Kebutuhan untuk mengkonfirmasi kalo dia emang masih berada di bawah bayang2 gue. Dan setelah itu terkonfirmasi, I don't see the point of hangging around anymore. Gue gak lagi ngerasa kehilangan atas ketidak hadirannya di dalam kehidupan gue, juga nggak punya keinginan buat menghubungi atau cari tau keadaannya. Gue bener2 cuek, ampe bebek aja kalah cuek. Keributan ringan yang berujung dengan dia ngapus PIN bbm gue juga ga gue tanggepin dengan sakit hati atau berlarut2. Gue malah cuman ketawa ketiwi cengengesan tanpa berniat buat memperbaiki keributan itu.

Hell yeah, I'm not going to be the one who fixed it. He has to manage himself. Earn his respect by pushing himself to the very limit. I have no room for a lazy man who always wants things to be done instantly. Realizing that my expectations towards him (or any other man who wants to be around) is quite high, it means I expect him to change drastically. It also means that...I don't take him the way he is now...or in a bit sarcastic words, I sahll say that he's not the one that I want...

Oh dear, I do have a wicked bitch side after all...

cultural trap

HAri ini gue abisin di kampus buat nulis disertasi yang deadline-nya seminggu lagi. Ga keruan rasanya, blom lagi tragedi ama supervisor yang di satu sisi bikin gue drop, tapi di sisi lain bikin semangt. Anyway, tadi di library temen gue dapet ajakan makan malem, dimana dia ngajak gue ikutan. Well, why not kan?? Rejeki ga boleh ditolak cing...

Abis gue+tmen gue dijemput dan sembari nungguin pizza, salah seorang dari kita berlima di mobil Aki ditelpon ama bokapnya. Buat background, si Brinda ini orang India yang tinggal di Dubai. Setelah kuliah kelar, bokapnya stengah mati ngebujuk dan memaksa dia buat balik ke Dubai supaya bisa cari jodoh. Yes...JODOH. Bukan sekedar angan2 doang urusan perjodohan ini, tapi bokapnya emang bener2 niat nyariin dia jodoh yang seiman, sesuku, se kasta, dan sederajat. Bahkan bokapnya bikin webpage di sebuah website perjodohan serius untuk orang2 se-suku daerahnya itu, dan udah menemukan calon yang tepat. Tepat disini maksudnya karna bokapnya udah cocok sama bokapnya si calon suami dan si calon suami memenuhi kriteria yang ditulis di website itu.

Nah, sementara di satu sisi, Brinda ini bner2 ogah banget buat mikirin kawin. Menurut dia, dia merasa dia masih muda, banyak kesempatan yang terbuka, yang gabisa dia dapetin kalo dia ujung2nya balik buat dikawinin. Dia pengen banget ngerasain idup mandiri, lepas dari tata krama kolot ala keluarganya itu. Dia ngerasa kayak selama ini dia ada di genggaman bokapnya, dan sekarang kalo dia kawin, dia akan jatuh ke genggaman seorang pria. Dari genggaman ke genggaman, kapan waktu buat diri sendirinya?? Di sisi lain, gimanapun juga dia gabisa ngelawan arus keluarga. Urusan adat terlalu 'penting' buat ditentang. Kalau dia ampe membangkang, urusannya bisa ampe dibuang ama keluarga dan ga diakuin lagi. Jadi sebenernya nasib si Brinda ujung2nya tetep aja "ikut apa kata bokap, menomer satukan keluarga" at all cost.

Ngeliat si Brinda ini ngebuat gue jadi prihatin, ni anak pikirannya pasti galau banget. Dia cewek mandiri yang berpikiran maju, disekolahin di universitas bagus, dengan prestasi yang juga memuaskan. Sayang kalo talenta dan potensi yang ada hanya berakhir di pelaminan. Alias, ga balik modal. Kalo sekolah cuman atribut doang, musti ke Jakarta dia, buat beli ijazah, dan semua beres. Sebenernya Brinda pun nggak menolak buat kawin, asalkan: (1) dia dikasih kesempatan buat berdiri sendiri; (2) dia nemuin sendiri si CPP nya. I am totally agree when she said :

"it doesn't matter if he's qualified with the criteria or not, I just wanna make sure that I ended up with someone who can take care of me. And studying through a webpage would never guarantee such quality"

Responding to reason number (1), I think she is a young girl about to conquer the world, yet her free spirit is trapped in her own culture. Gimanapun dia mencoba lari, tetep ga akan bisa keluar dari pagar2 baja yang dibangun kokoh ama bokapnya. What's the point achieving Master degree then if culture still holding her back?.. I wish she could have the freedom I always have, I am sure she'll be a good one :)

No matter what happens, I hope she has the ability to nurture the spirit, maybe transform it in a different way, because whenever there's a threat, there lies oppotunities...It all depends on your point of view..

balik deui iyeuh mah...

setelah gue berusaha membuat lagu2 di blogspot ini, gue tertarik ama sebuah lagu yang walaupun ini tembang udah jadul berat, namun sangat tepat sasaran menggambarkan peristiwa yang acap kali terjadi di dalam hidup gue...ediaaaannn....

nih lyric-nya gue post di bawah...emng bener kok, tiap2 si kamfret itu hadeeiirrr...it's all coming back to me..still struggling kok gue..hopefully I'll be as good as new by January...


Its All Coming Back To Me Now

there were nights when the wind was so cold,
that my body froze in bed if i just listened to it right outside the window...

there were days when the sun was so cruel,
that all my tears turned to dust and i just knew my eyes were drying up forever...

i finished crying in the instant that you left,
and i cant remember where or when or how,
and i banished every memory you and i had ever made...

but when you touch me like this
touch me like this
and you hold me like that
hold me like that
its so hard to believe but its all coming back to me now
its all coming back, its all coming back to me now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light,
there nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allowed
maybe baby
if i kiss you like this
kiss you like this
and if you whisper like that
whisper like that
it was lost long ago but its all coming back to me
if you want me like this
if you want me like this
and if you need me like that
if you need me like that
it was dead long ago but its all coming back to me
its so hard to resist and its all coming back to me
i can barely recall but its all coming back to me now

but you were history with the slamming of the door
and i made myself so strong again some how...
and i never wasted any of my time on you since then...

but if i touch you like this
touch you like this
and if you kiss me like that
kiss me like that
it was gone like the wind but its all coming back to me now
its all coming back, its all coming back to me now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light
there were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allowed
maybe baby baby
when you touch me like this
when you touch me like this
and when you hold me like that
hold me like that
it was gone like the wind but its all coming back to me
when you see me like this
see you like this
when i see you like that
see me like that
then we see what we want to see
all coming back to me
the flash and the fantasies all coming back to me
i can barely recall but its all coming back to me now

if you forgive me all this
forgive me all this
and if i forgive you all that
forgive you all that
we forgive and forget and its all coming back to me now
all coming back to me now
we forgive and forget and its all coming back to me now...



ancuuurrr gue bangeeeeettt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*garuk2 meja*

sunday morning..

its raining, no wonder tidur gue enak buanget...

okaiy, waktunya kerja :) siap2 dulu yak...

distance learning

eh eh..masa' dong gue kmaren gara2 minta mentahan adobe dan nanya2 lensa gitu ama Oky *anak Indo disini yang mo ambil undergrad dan doyan fotografi* dia ngajarin gue motret manual mode..lewat YM call aja gituuu!!!....gile ye, kecanggihan teknologi emanggg....canggih!!!!!! hehehehhehe ternyata make manual mode ga seribet yang gue pikir :D jadi senang...

kocaknya, kamera gue ama dia beda :p tapi dia berhasil loh ngajarin gue..dan dia kesel, soalnya gue bisa pake smua lensa canon, sementara dia kepatok di jenis2 lensa tertentu....hahaha I suppose lucky me. Dan setelah gue ngebandingin harga gitu, ternyata harga lensa di jakarta lebi murah. 50mm ajah di jakarta dapet 800-an, smentara kalo gue browse online, bisa ampe 2 juta-an gitu...hiksssss jauh syekali ya bedanya....jadi pengen pulang... *loh, kok jumping conclusion?!?!*

sekarang tinggal nunggu waktu buat keluar & coba2..... :D :D

weits...bisa nyanyi2 niy sekarang....

hahah gara2 iseng gue ngoprek2in blog-nya well...errrr kponakan sih...tapi gue ga segitu jauh loh bedanya!!! (defense) yang ternyata seru juga ;p terus gue sirik gara2 di blog-nya dia ada lagunya...hahahhaahha...gue koprak koprek ampe ni disertasi yang tadinya mo gue beresin GAGAL berubah dari bentuk asli dan sukses dikacangin bgitu aja..

nahhh tadinya tu gue ga pake si ninja inih...gue pake bentuk kaset..udah cakep2 pake ada ornamen2nya, dan apa yang terjadi sodara2?!?!?!? kegedean aja gituuuhhhh!!! jadi cuman muncul stengah kaset dan kliatan banget kalo maksa..ugh, jadi jelek deh...dan akhirnya gue ganti aja skin-nya..dengan yang lebih ramping...tinggi boleh, tapi ga boleh gendut...dan akhirnya gue nemuin si ninja imut ini...

Setelah gue liat2 yah, si ninja yang mejeng di samping ini, kok mirip Oci ya?...tau kan, temen gue yang gampang disulut, kalo ngomel2 udah kayak kartun jepang gitu...hahahhahaha Gilda bisa cekikikan nih, saking cinta-nya gue ama Oci, ampe di blog gue terpampang mahluk yang mirip Oci...wakakakakak...

dah ah, ,mo tidur dulu, besok kerja lagi, naik kreta pagi ;p
selamat mendengarkan yaaakk!!!!

english weather is a total crap.

our picnic agenda today is 89% cancelled due to ENGLISH WEATHER..
rainy till 4pm .. then the sun begin to shine...slowly...
with a li'l bit gloomy sky...

CRAP!!!!