We Are Who We Are

It's always past midnight when I begin to re-arrange my thoughts. This time, it's about Indonesia. My country.

I was browsing instsgram account for several home & living ideas. Some account showing Jepara furniture, where one of the best wood carving can be found. Of course I am curious, so I looked it up. I am very much surprised seeing none of the traditional wood carved furniture exist! Instead, some rustic victorian & scandinavian designs are everywhere! Where did it all came from?

That's where I could say, reality bites. I adore the traditional wood carving patterns, knowing its complexity and precission. And I also understand in order to grow the business, they need to be adaptive with consumer demands. However, I didn't realize it took this much of space, leaving the tradition with only a little.

I hope those carpenter knew how prescious their skills are. How it will be a billion dollar business in this pretty much mass production, machine manufactured world. But most of all, I really hope they could nurture it because it is who we are, where we came from. Our heritage. Legacy. It is far from easy, but I am sure we'd regret it if the next generation would knew nothing about Jepara's wood carving arts and or furniture.

To whom it may concern, let's do something. It could be by purchasing, using, or even writing. They are losing their popularity..

twenty.twelve.

I used to have nothing to say about New Year other than big hopes. Last year, I put on a big hope, big dreams, made a rough timeline. I pin point love, life, and career. See what happens afterwards..

Love – After a steady start in 2011, it turns upside down in 2012. And it ended. I could have a drilled down list of my disappointment, but I do realized that I’m far from perfect. Ditching the list, all I can say is that I’m not sure where we’re going from this point. Was he going to be the best partner? Or –as Vanya once said- ‘the least tolerable’ weaknesses? After a year relationship, I still can’t answer those questions. I learn a lot, and quite surprise that I’m doing very fine. I thought I’d be healing up slowly but the fact is, days passed and all is well. We still have a good relationship for I don’t know how long. Since it ended, love no longer in my priority. 

Career – With promising career at the beginning, in Q2 all the hopes are gone. The plan that was earlier made to join the international work force was failed to come true, as the government’s legal don’t grant me a working permit. Then I spent the rest of the year worrying about my career. Where would I go? What other options I that have? Up until October, where the big choice has to be made. Stay in the company and take their offer – which is a new thing, meaning that I will have to learn about it again from the very beginning, at this age. Or, to leave the company with only God knows what will happen next. Which one did I choose? The risky one, of course. A very bold move, or an irrelevant decision? You tell me. I know I should be thankful to God when a month later, I got the job that I always dreamed of. This analyst league, I’m on it now. I could say I got few hands from good friends, which are extended hands of God. I’m reaching the light at the end of the tunnel. A new start, a new beginning, an open wide opportunity to improve myself. Crossing fingers wishing everything turn out to great next year.

Life – Above and beyond, life has always been fantastic. In my troubled times regarding my career, I was forced to face it on my own (and God of course) without any support from my special one (at that time). As for him, his mother passed away. I admit that things are quite messy on both sides. One thing I learned –through the hard way-: being insecure about career -this is very true and you really got to trust me-, it feels worse than being insecure about your relationship. On the other hand, I met new friends. These girls brighten up my life. We’re just a bunch of professionals from different industries who are not into office politics, and tired of dramas. So when you said ‘Sex and the City’ is just a fiction, we resemble the mediocre reality of the series with Coffeewar (a local coffee shop) instead of fancy restaurants, cigs instead of gyms. My neighborhood friends find their own problems in their neck, so we didn’t see each other as much but still manage to communicate. So although most aren’t as planned in 2012, I could say it’s all within tolerance level. Oh! I did skipped Sting’s concert this year, which adds up to my ‘lifetime regret for not going to these concerts’ list. Ugh.    

concrete . jungle

Concrete and jungle do not mix.

Me: concrete.

You: jungle

This is our reconciliation.

Concrete. Typical big city kind of person, ‘plays around’ in buildings - malls. Care nothing about the nature. Let alone hiking or camping, tracking was never been in mind. Living a life as it is, rigid. Adventure?  Hahaha well.. let’s just say the word is widely defined.

Supermarkets instead of traditional markets. Mini markets instead of ‘warung’. Restaurants instead of sideways food stalls. Coke instead of lemonade. Brands instead of function. Clubs instead of coffee shops.  Cinemas instead of local plays. Cars instead of public transportations.

Jungle.  Free, no strings. The sky is the limit. Loving the nature, and most of activities related to it. Hiking, tracking, mountain climbing, swimming in the pond, it’s the air that you breathe. Life is an adventure.  

The sun, the moon, and the stars instead of light bulbs. Ponds instead of swimming pool. The nature is your gym.

Concrete and jungle do not mix. And you have no idea about me.

Hendy.

Besar. Tinggi. Ga banyak omong. Gahar. Ga banyak lah yang mau macem-macem sama dia. bekingan-nya juga nggak maen-maen. Bisa bikin anak orang babak belur tanpa bekas dengan bersih. Seneng nongkrong, walau yaa gitulah..ga jauh2 dari si al dan si jey. Shadesh ya? He's not the kinda guy you wanna mess with. Trust me.
 
Tapi... on the other side, dia sama aja seperti anak-anak kebanyakan. Kerja keras buat menghidupi keluarganya. Tanggung jawab banget sama kerjaan. As in, dia ga pernah ninggalin anak buahnya tanpa bimbingan, sendirian. Walaupun dia ga bareng anak buahnya, semuanya bisa menghubungi dia kapan aja urusan kerjaan. Ngurus ijin ina ini anu ke instansi pemerintah pun dia jabanin sendiri. Kadang ngedumel juga, tapi ga banyak.

Kalo buat urusan keluarga, well...laki-laki. Punya isu juga lah ya, punya masalah rumah tangga. Yang ini setelah nikah dia ga banyak share, dan memang bukan kapasitas gue juga sih ya buat tau banyak. Despite apapun masalah yang dia hadapin, dia bertanggung jawab penuh sama keluarganya. Dia penuhi kebutuhan keluarganya. Dia selalu ada buat anaknya. Tegas sebagai kepala keluarga. Dia.. laki-laki. Pengalaman pait tentang ayahnya ngebuat dia 100% ga mau keluarganya ngerasain apa yang dulu dia rasain. Hidup emang harus bekerja, harus berjuang.

Gue belajar banyak dari dia. Life's not a fairytale. Harus kerja, harus berjuang. Kenikmatan-kenikmatan itu hanya 'bonus'. Do the best you can, totalitas dalam segala hal. Bekerja, berusaha, ..dalam.. hidup. Masalah akan selalu ada, dimanapun, kapanpun. Acapkali not in the right moment. But see, that's life. It ain't perfect, but that's the beauty of it. Do the best you can, remember God, treat women well.

Yes ndut, you taught me more that you realized... thanks buds... :)

friends.

I haven't had a lot to say about my friends. Few are mentioned, but there's actually more. So for some reasons, I decided that I will share some of my friends. Letting you guys to get to know them better. Up close and personal. I am grateful to have them around, because no matter how tough life have become, they're just rather. In and out, above and beyond. At that time, you could say..

"well, it's bearable..breaking down once in a while is fine..but it's bearable.." 

so, enjoy getting to know these wonderful people. I know you will, coz I do.. I always do.. :)

so this is it..

it's not easy, but if it's meant to be, we'll find our way back. In the mean time, let's just leave it as good as it is.

As much as we could blame each other, I prefer to keep it as 'lessons learned'

hey you..

i miss our long convo..hey you..

2012. Rough One.

I was expecting 2012 to be better, nicer than 2011. I had everything falls in its place in 2011. Perfect. Beautiful.

Passing 1st quarter, I already got a lot of bitterness to say. Full of uncertainty, in all the way.

First, my job. They got me transferred to KL, fully in charge for Indonesia. Proud? Yes. Who else? It's gotta be the single one. The interview went well; the bargaining is a bit hard and still below my expectation; the permit got rejected. I'm still buying my time to find other opportunities instead of being transferred. I'm sorry to say, but KL is not the kind of city I love to live in. However, if I have to, then I have to. I got no say at all. I tried to be calm, I do. It's not easy. Somehow there's a part of you that always do the thinking although you're in a holiday mode, weekend mode, whatever. It keeps on thinking.

Second, well.. 'you know who' is back on track at work and being super busy that I find myself drifted apart. I'm not going to push it, not again. I'm too tired of trying (not with this one, but with the previous one), all I want is to work it out together. A quarter of analyzing is enough to say that it's going down the drain. But I guess I'm fine, I'm alright. This one is easier than the last one. It's too bad we can't make it through, but there's a lot of things going on. Nobody's fault, it's just -again- we don't have enough time to spend together which leads to communication problem and so on. If we're meant to be, we'll find our way one day. Or maybe I didn't give a lot of thinking about seperating because the energy spent on thinking about career is just too much.

Third, about friends, i'm re-connecting with those in the past. Nicely built, I had fun re-connecting. Uni guys are doing great, instead they tried to refer me to several opportunities. Guys in the hood are also doing great, Kari got accepted in the company he wants as a permanent employee. As usual, on weekends we like to hang out just to talk over coffee cups. However, some also... left. Some find other interest, most are in money and lifestyle. Both doesn't interest me at all. I guess I'm not responding to them either.. Everything changes.. yeah it always do..

Owh yes... the story is not yet ended...still got 3 more quarters to tell... let's see what else is here.. no matter what happens, always be grateful.. as Mr Cole said..

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by....

Drew - Setengah Mati

Dari semua yang ku lakukan
Dari semua akal ku sampaikan
Dari semua mimpi terkabulkan
Dari semua khilaf dan kesalahan

Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar

Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati

Dari semua yang ku lakukan
Dari semua akal yang ku sampaikan
Dari semua mimpi yang terkabulkan
Dari semua khilaf dan kesalahan

Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar
Kau yang paling benar

Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati

Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati
Ku jatuh cinta setengah mati

Kini semua mimpi tlah terkabulkan

#hmmph.................

drop dead diva.

I just finished watching 'drop dead diva' and found some similarities.

In the end, she (Jane/Deb) was disappointed by his 'husband' who kissed her best friend. They didn't mean it, but it hurts her like hell that she decided to chase her dream and made it come true. Right when she confidently doing it alone, her current boyfriend - who's supposed to leave to New Zealand, postponed his plan and join her on the plane to Italy. While on the ground, Grayson tried to chase her but he was too late. Too late.

You see, sometimes you were standing on a point where you believe the whole world turns against you. Everything you stood for was fallen apart, and you need some space, as well as time to think it through. To heal your wounds, and then to make a come back. I've been there.

I left Jakarta when everything falls apart. I made a fresh start and think it through. What will I do, who should I trust, where am I going for my future, and many more things. Today, I am grateful to made it to UK. And most of all, I am grateful to be able to see this one person who stays while I tried to leave, while I tried to let go. I wasn't expecting that person to be him, not because I don't want him, but because deep down I don't see myself good enough for him. It turns out that the one I was expecting, didn't made any blunt move to convince me. So let him go. Hard at first, but it was the right thing to do. And the one who stayed... he turns out to believe I am good enough for him.

Today, we're still together, no one knows what will happen in the future, but we decided to take things slow. It might works, it might not. But this time, we're doing it right.

mother.

As far as I'm concerned, being a mother is everything but easy. You got to make your house tidy, provide a proper education to your kids, apart from being a wife (speaking of a complete family). Anyway, I saw lots of examples that I dislike from nowadays mother(s).

Communication technology made it easy for people to connect. Blackberries, androids, many more. Frankly, I hate it when mother choose their devices over their kids. I just saw a li'l boy who's excitedly shared his happiness of having a new toy, eagerly explaining to his mother, yet his mother responded with a flat face. Other times, a mother giving him a milk on her right hand, and playing with her device on her left hand. Only once in a while she took a glance to her son. To make it worse, she use the internet facility to browse over the 'fun' things that interest her, instead of gaining her knowledge over parenting and other things. Gosh, why would you do that? What was the boy's fault that he doesn't get full attention from his mother?

I believe being a mother requires you to be active. In some matters, you will depend on your husband, but to provide an early education, and also to be the domestic goddes, that is a mother's responsibility.

I promised myself that once I am being a mother, it'll all about my kids. I had enough fun, I will provide my kids with the best, not the most expensive, but the best. Excuse me, but those International school with field trip to Singapore doesn't interest me at all. I want my kids to love their home country, to understand the richness of their home country before admiring other countries. I want them to know 'Bawang merah bawang putih', 'si kancil', 'jaka tarub', and local legends before 'cinderella', 'beauty and the beast', 'lion king', 'rapunzel', and such. Field trip to Jogja, Pangandaran, Pulau Seribu, is waaay much better than stamps on their passports.

There you go, my framework of being a mother, if maybe one day it'll came true.

year end.

Gosh, it's almost year end...

Can't believe I've made it this far with him. It wasn't an easy adjustment, and still an ongoing process even to this second. I knew it's not easy to deal with me. I'm skeptical when it comes to relationship. Past experiences made me more aware on any risk and consequences. Yet, relationship doesn't works like mathematics, you can not calculate every risk and opportunities. Well I do wish it could be that easy. But most of the times, you can only do your best and let God do the rest.

I suppose with him, God really helps to make it works. Long distance sucks, the closer the better, and look at me now. Long distance. Communication? that's another issue. Although I'm struggling with plenty of un-replied texts, emails, not to mention un-answered phone calls, we're still where we are today. I'm still working on that area, though. He is a fine man, I used to think he's perfect. Now that I knew more, he's not. None are perfect. It's a matter of acceptance and compromise. Proper communication could make it easier. But we talked about important things that are fundamentals, more than just small talks.

He's everything I'm not. I'm everything he's not. Opposites attracts? Maybe. We became more serious right when things went pretty bad on his side. It was crazy. Remember when I said I once dreamed about us, waaaaay before the relationship begins, maybe even when we started to knew about each other? Well, that comfortable feeling is what really happens now. Apart from all of the adjustments we need to work on, I am very comfortable with him.

We'll never knew where the future is going to take us, I'm just taking it step by step, one at a time. Again, all I can do is to do my best, and pray may everything went alright somehow. If it's meant to be, it'll find its way.

This year, everything changes. I changed, my life changed, and my views changed. Let's see what 2012 has to offer... Whatever it is, I'm ready. Bring it on, I knew it's going to be awsome :)

re-activate

re-activate me, I mean. After a while I haven't wrote a thing, I finally got my own laptop. Wait for my stories anytime soon...

something in the middle.

there's always something came up in the middle when we're about to meet. maybe we're not supposed to see each other yet. I was supposed to expect nothing. What happens now is...I'm feeling flat. Not sad, not hurt. Flat.

time.

Almost 3 weeks now. Can't believe how busy we are that we haven't got the chance to say hi. As weird as it seen, I decided to let things flow and not to push things. Statistically speaking, I haven't got much time left. We'll see. Just see :)

locked.

oh well, maybe all these things i'm writing will stay locked inside.

All i ever wanted, was a happy ending. Although some people said that when it's happy, it's not the end, yet. Years after years, you stood there to guide me, persistently on my side. And I begin to think that you're the one. I don't know yet tho. You're a good man, a very fine gentlement. But on the other side, the fact that you're being mysterious is exhausting. Until when I could hold on to this? You're everything but normal. I kinda feel this is going very slow. And you always put me on your hook. I might have to be blunt to ask you to take off that hook. I begin to got the pattern. When I text you an announcement, you won't reply. You won't respond. At all. Okay, you do sometimes. Barely. You only respond to things that excites you. I don't see me excites you that much. Hey, whatever. I don't really care. As long as you don't say that the worlds revolves around me. How come it doesn't when I only have limited access less than normal relationship. I freqwently asked how yo're doing, how's your side, and got no response. Then what should I talked about? yes! me. I want you to know much about me. I should've just shut up and see how's it going. I need to let loose. This being serious kinda thing made me expect much from us. For example, to speed things up. To try and work things out FAST. It might be my ego, but that's because I don't know what's going on on your side. I consistently been missing you. I don't think being apart do any good. This feeling of being attached, is not good. I'm always good at being on my own, controlling my own plate. This is something I need to work on. While we're apart, let's just took some time to figure things out. I believe you already did, I'm the one who need it. I want to have a normal relationship, but what's normal? define normal? So silly to believe that the expert in communication seems like lack of communication. Lots of things going on, and i need some time to breathe...

i.dope.u

we're too busy. we're not distance apart, but we're events apart. I don't get us. I don't get you. Abstract. Sometimes its just too damn scattered that I can only enjoy and try not to think too much. I don't know where you're taking me. I close my eyes, and feel...

What's the worse thing that could happen to me? .....

I dope you...

tight money policy

need to make several adjustment; particularly in financial area due to sudden changes in family condition.

investment needs to be reduced - light impact to future, changes in priorities. Target is to reduce ratio to 30-40% only. be less aggressive!

daily life cost needs to be reduced - but still live comfortably (less coffee shops visits; less luxury spending)

efficient costing - telco cost can be reduced, make sure all settings are correct

THERE. I'm officially in tight money policy

humph.

niat ke bandung buat contemplating berakhir dengan sebuah keputusan yang akan mengejutkan banyak pihak.

all I have to do is to make myself REALLY SURE.

beyond a smile.

Tuhan,

aku kehabisan kata

aku kehilangan muka

aku duduk terdiam

sunyi sepi sendiri

Tuhan,

Engkau ingat kan saat aku tulis surat itu?

saat aku memohon kepada-Mu

dua buah hal dalam hidupku

Tuhan,

belum menginjak tengah tahun,

baru di kwartal pertama,

Engkau kabulkan kontan keinginanku,

tanpa basa basi

Tuhan,

sungguh aku bahagia,

tapi izinkan aku turut terdiam

izinkan itu menjadi rahasia kita

untuk beberapa saat..

Tuhan,

disela kebahagiaan yang Engkau limpahkan,

tersisa duka atas kesedihan para sahabat,

belitan masalah yang cukup berat,

meninggalkan keputusan akhir yang memilukan

Tuhan,

maafkan aku dan kelemahanku,

badanku lunglai mendengar kisah mereka

satu demi satu.. hari demi hari

hatiku seperti disayat dan ditoreh

ternyata banyak yang jahat, Tuhan...

Tuhan,

tolong aku dengan membahagiakan mereka,

aku dan segala keterbatasanku,

tidak sampai hati aku melihat mereka bersedih,

tolong kembalikan senyuman ceria mereka,

yang senantiasa menemaniku,

mewarnai hari2ku...

Tuhan,

kuingat janji-Mu bahwa setelah sulit,

akan Engkau beri kebahagiaan berlipat2.

Jadikan mereka pribadi yang kuat ya Tuhan,

semoga hadirku dapat meringankan beban mereka

Terimakasih ya Tuhan,

atas waktu-Mu mendengarkan aku;

hanya kepada Engkau aku memohon,

dan kukembalikan segala urusan pada kuasa-Mu