inochidzuna of Mahatmi

drop dead diva.

2011-12-25T18:19:00.002Z

I just finished watching 'drop dead diva' and found some similarities.

In the end, she (Jane/Deb) was disappointed by his 'husband' who kissed her best friend. They didn't mean it, but it hurts her like hell that she decided to chase her dream and made it come true. Right when she confidently doing it alone, her current boyfriend - who's supposed to leave to New Zealand, postponed his plan and join her on the plane to Italy. While on the ground, Grayson tried to chase her but he was too late. Too late.

You see, sometimes you were standing on a point where you believe the whole world turns against you. Everything you stood for was fallen apart, and you need some space, as well as time to think it through. To heal your wounds, and then to make a come back. I've been there.

I left Jakarta when everything falls apart. I made a fresh start and think it through. What will I do, who should I trust, where am I going for my future, and many more things. Today, I am grateful to made it to UK. And most of all, I am grateful to be able to see this one person who stays while I tried to leave, while I tried to let go. I wasn't expecting that person to be him, not because I don't want him, but because deep down I don't see myself good enough for him. It turns out that the one I was expecting, didn't made any blunt move to convince me. So let him go. Hard at first, but it was the right thing to do. And the one who stayed... he turns out to believe I am good enough for him.

Today, we're still together, no one knows what will happen in the future, but we decided to take things slow. It might works, it might not. But this time, we're doing it right.

mother.

2011-12-25T17:19:00.004Z

As far as I'm concerned, being a mother is everything but easy. You got to make your house tidy, provide a proper education to your kids, apart from being a wife (speaking of a complete family). Anyway, I saw lots of examples that I dislike from nowadays mother(s).

Communication technology made it easy for people to connect. Blackberries, androids, many more. Frankly, I hate it when mother choose their devices over their kids. I just saw a li'l boy who's excitedly shared his happiness of having a new toy, eagerly explaining to his mother, yet his mother responded with a flat face. Other times, a mother giving him a milk on her right hand, and playing with her device on her left hand. Only once in a while she took a glance to her son. To make it worse, she use the internet facility to browse over the 'fun' things that interest her, instead of gaining her knowledge over parenting and other things. Gosh, why would you do that? What was the boy's fault that he doesn't get full attention from his mother?

I believe being a mother requires you to be active. In some matters, you will depend on your husband, but to provide an early education, and also to be the domestic goddes, that is a mother's responsibility.

I promised myself that once I am being a mother, it'll all about my kids. I had enough fun, I will provide my kids with the best, not the most expensive, but the best. Excuse me, but those International school with field trip to Singapore doesn't interest me at all. I want my kids to love their home country, to understand the richness of their home country before admiring other countries. I want them to know 'Bawang merah bawang putih', 'si kancil', 'jaka tarub', and local legends before 'cinderella', 'beauty and the beast', 'lion king', 'rapunzel', and such. Field trip to Jogja, Pangandaran, Pulau Seribu, is waaay much better than stamps on their passports.

There you go, my framework of being a mother, if maybe one day it'll came true.

year end.

2011-12-17T17:39:00.002Z

Gosh, it's almost year end...

Can't believe I've made it this far with him. It wasn't an easy adjustment, and still an ongoing process even to this second. I knew it's not easy to deal with me. I'm skeptical when it comes to relationship. Past experiences made me more aware on any risk and consequences. Yet, relationship doesn't works like mathematics, you can not calculate every risk and opportunities. Well I do wish it could be that easy. But most of the times, you can only do your best and let God do the rest.

I suppose with him, God really helps to make it works. Long distance sucks, the closer the better, and look at me now. Long distance. Communication? that's another issue. Although I'm struggling with plenty of un-replied texts, emails, not to mention un-answered phone calls, we're still where we are today. I'm still working on that area, though. He is a fine man, I used to think he's perfect. Now that I knew more, he's not. None are perfect. It's a matter of acceptance and compromise. Proper communication could make it easier. But we talked about important things that are fundamentals, more than just small talks.

He's everything I'm not. I'm everything he's not. Opposites attracts? Maybe. We became more serious right when things went pretty bad on his side. It was crazy. Remember when I said I once dreamed about us, waaaaay before the relationship begins, maybe even when we started to knew about each other? Well, that comfortable feeling is what really happens now. Apart from all of the adjustments we need to work on, I am very comfortable with him.

We'll never knew where the future is going to take us, I'm just taking it step by step, one at a time. Again, all I can do is to do my best, and pray may everything went alright somehow. If it's meant to be, it'll find its way.

This year, everything changes. I changed, my life changed, and my views changed. Let's see what 2012 has to offer... Whatever it is, I'm ready. Bring it on, I knew it's going to be awsome :)

re-activate

2011-11-12T18:45:00.001Z

re-activate me, I mean. After a while I haven't wrote a thing, I finally got my own laptop. Wait for my stories anytime soon...

something in the middle.

2011-09-06T11:54:00.002+01:00

there's always something came up in the middle when we're about to meet. maybe we're not supposed to see each other yet. I was supposed to expect nothing. What happens now is...I'm feeling flat. Not sad, not hurt. Flat.

time.

2011-07-12T07:46:00.002+01:00

Almost 3 weeks now. Can't believe how busy we are that we haven't got the chance to say hi. As weird as it seen, I decided to let things flow and not to push things. Statistically speaking, I haven't got much time left. We'll see. Just see :)

locked.

2011-05-18T16:06:00.002+01:00

oh well, maybe all these things i'm writing will stay locked inside.

All i ever wanted, was a happy ending. Although some people said that when it's happy, it's not the end, yet. Years after years, you stood there to guide me, persistently on my side. And I begin to think that you're the one. I don't know yet tho. You're a good man, a very fine gentlement. But on the other side, the fact that you're being mysterious is exhausting. Until when I could hold on to this? You're everything but normal. I kinda feel this is going very slow. And you always put me on your hook. I might have to be blunt to ask you to take off that hook. I begin to got the pattern. When I text you an announcement, you won't reply. You won't respond. At all. Okay, you do sometimes. Barely. You only respond to things that excites you. I don't see me excites you that much. Hey, whatever. I don't really care. As long as you don't say that the worlds revolves around me. How come it doesn't when I only have limited access less than normal relationship. I freqwently asked how yo're doing, how's your side, and got no response. Then what should I talked about? yes! me. I want you to know much about me. I should've just shut up and see how's it going. I need to let loose. This being serious kinda thing made me expect much from us. For example, to speed things up. To try and work things out FAST. It might be my ego, but that's because I don't know what's going on on your side. I consistently been missing you. I don't think being apart do any good. This feeling of being attached, is not good. I'm always good at being on my own, controlling my own plate. This is something I need to work on. While we're apart, let's just took some time to figure things out. I believe you already did, I'm the one who need it. I want to have a normal relationship, but what's normal? define normal? So silly to believe that the expert in communication seems like lack of communication. Lots of things going on, and i need some time to breathe...

i.dope.u

2011-05-18T13:03:00.002+01:00

we're too busy. we're not distance apart, but we're events apart. I don't get us. I don't get you. Abstract. Sometimes its just too damn scattered that I can only enjoy and try not to think too much. I don't know where you're taking me. I close my eyes, and feel...

What's the worse thing that could happen to me? .....

I dope you...

tight money policy

2011-05-06T17:35:00.003+01:00

need to make several adjustment; particularly in financial area due to sudden changes in family condition.

investment needs to be reduced - light impact to future, changes in priorities. Target is to reduce ratio to 30-40% only. be less aggressive!

daily life cost needs to be reduced - but still live comfortably (less coffee shops visits; less luxury spending)

efficient costing - telco cost can be reduced, make sure all settings are correct

THERE. I'm officially in tight money policy

humph.

2011-04-11T05:39:00.002+01:00

niat ke bandung buat contemplating berakhir dengan sebuah keputusan yang akan mengejutkan banyak pihak.

all I have to do is to make myself REALLY SURE.

beyond a smile.

2011-03-30T08:29:00.003+01:00

Tuhan,

aku kehabisan kata

aku kehilangan muka

aku duduk terdiam

sunyi sepi sendiri

Tuhan,

Engkau ingat kan saat aku tulis surat itu?

saat aku memohon kepada-Mu

dua buah hal dalam hidupku

Tuhan,

belum menginjak tengah tahun,

baru di kwartal pertama,

Engkau kabulkan kontan keinginanku,

tanpa basa basi

Tuhan,

sungguh aku bahagia,

tapi izinkan aku turut terdiam

izinkan itu menjadi rahasia kita

untuk beberapa saat..

Tuhan,

disela kebahagiaan yang Engkau limpahkan,

tersisa duka atas kesedihan para sahabat,

belitan masalah yang cukup berat,

meninggalkan keputusan akhir yang memilukan

Tuhan,

maafkan aku dan kelemahanku,

badanku lunglai mendengar kisah mereka

satu demi satu.. hari demi hari

hatiku seperti disayat dan ditoreh

ternyata banyak yang jahat, Tuhan...

Tuhan,

tolong aku dengan membahagiakan mereka,

aku dan segala keterbatasanku,

tidak sampai hati aku melihat mereka bersedih,

tolong kembalikan senyuman ceria mereka,

yang senantiasa menemaniku,

mewarnai hari2ku...

Tuhan,

kuingat janji-Mu bahwa setelah sulit,

akan Engkau beri kebahagiaan berlipat2.

Jadikan mereka pribadi yang kuat ya Tuhan,

semoga hadirku dapat meringankan beban mereka

Terimakasih ya Tuhan,

atas waktu-Mu mendengarkan aku;

hanya kepada Engkau aku memohon,

dan kukembalikan segala urusan pada kuasa-Mu

torn apart.

2011-03-29T07:34:00.003+01:00

Just when I had my own happiness....

* a good friend of mine cancelled his wedding, only a month before d-day.. cause of cancellation? money, social status, wealth.. a reason that is too low for an educated girl like her.. how words could disguise attitude, yet finally the truth revealed..

* a good friend of mine got tired with her boyfriend whatsoever.. she's tired of being the one who nurture him, and nothing in return..

* a good friend in my previous office had her wedding last Saturday, and I wasn't invited.. later I found out that none of the youngsters were invited... still, I'm surprised..

I really hope everything went well with my journey...

ever yours, ever mine, ever ours...

L.D.R

2011-03-22T09:55:00.002Z

it's been two weeks but we missed each other badly almost everyday since week 2... how are we suppose to survive for the next 50 weeks?..

we

2011-03-13T16:31:00.006Z

Thanks for your trust in me. It'll be a journey we'll never forget. There will be less 'you' , and less 'me', but there will be a lot of 'we'. May God bless our relationship.

something always...

2011-03-01T15:11:00.002Z

brings me back to you..

-gravity: Sarah Bareilles-

and when I have the idea to close chapter you, you did it again. you asked me to visit you in Bandung. Oh my, what is it with Bandung? I am always related to that city.

The thing about you asking me to come and visit was never been expected. It is good to know that you're trying to let me in, in your mysterious life. however, as usual, our classic issue always on the way. we never could get our schedule synchronized. I don't know what to do about it. I can't control it. I tried to reach you but you're drifting away. we're both busy, and distance apart. Impossible to meet up without any plans. Please bear with me and work things out. We'll see how it goes, and we'll figure out what to do next. I'm overwhelmed with the invitation but I'm keeping my feet on the ground.

crossroad.

2011-02-18T18:09:00.005Z

I don't know where to start.

Okaiy. So here we are. Clueless with what we have. I see you acknowledge that you are THAT mysterious to me. Despite how much I enjoy your company, our endless discussion, our intense untold feelings, I have no idea how long I could bear with this. My clock is ticking. I have plans. You have plans. I don't know, and not sure if it'll ever meet halfway, or someway.

I don't know how much time I have left. I do wish I could have the chance knew you better. Much better than how well I've known you so far. And fast. Yes, fast. Not in a hurry, but you know... to assure me to go for it or to turn the other way around. I do think I know how you feel, but if you never told me, then I would be assuming. Which is bad. Assumption is not supported with facts. Please tell me. Even if you think I can't handle it. None of us would know if none of us tried. We'll deal with it.

I am tired not knowing. Of having unanswered questions. This is not what I had in mind. This is not how I want it to be. I need securities, in any forms. If you can't provide that, then I am closing chapter 'you'.

You should believe that I am good being alone. Although having a company would be better, even great. I am no longer that girl who dreamed of prince charming. All I want is someone who have the same willingness to go towards the same direction. You or I might fell once in a while, but we'll figure things out eventually and rise again. Someone who'll be there for me, who I believe can be my team mate in this game of life. Love? maybe someday love will grew.

Surprised? I am not good in relationship. I often screw things. But I learned. And this time, I do hope it'll last... No more drama, no more tricks...

So dear, I am sorry to put you in such a long journey on a rough and winding road. All the best for us. Cheers..

too much.

2011-02-18T17:21:00.000Z

is it too much if I said "I miss you" and everything about you...

doubts.

2010-11-20T07:46:00.002Z

i lost count of how many times you opened my eyes. last night you did it again. it's about making me closer to The Creator. it is so true when you said all the doubts are made up. made up by what others think of me, while it really doesn't matter. not at all. it was not an easy topic. i don't know why you came up with that topic. but point taken, you wanted me to think. to get the whole idea. give me some time to think it through. this is not something i can do and bail out.

my doubts are with others. what would others feel, what would others think, what would others do, will i be able to do the activities i've been doing? all those questions raise without me confirming the answer.

i used to think that i'll do it after i got married. now i begin to questioned the idea.
i don't know...
i don't know...
my dear Creator, please show me, please erase all the doubts...please..please...

maybe this is what is called by point of no return. please lead me, drag me, whatever...

safe.flight.home.

2010-10-31T08:13:00.002Z

when you told me where you are, I wish you'll be back home soon.
when you told me that you'll be heading home this afternoon, I say "why so soon??"

hahahhahaha... yeah, it's always wrong...hahahhaha!!!
at least we could share a good laugh...hehehhehehe

distance oh distance..

2010-10-31T07:59:00.002Z

sometimes...in some cases...distance doesn't matter...

taken from my email inbox..last year... :)

______________________________

-----Original Message-----
From: abc@yahoo.com
Sent: 08-12-2009 09:19:38
Subject: Re: Where art thou?

Btw..jadi pengen ngupi2 +ngobrol2 ama kamu :(
Sent from mobile device

______________________________

From: abc@yahoo.com
Sent: 08-12-2009 09:20:25
Subject: Re: Where art thou?

Errr... Ain't we're doing it right now? Although separated by time and space, we still are doing it. Hehehe..

Public Relations & Media Consultant

This email was sent from a local public pay phone. Yes, the kind that has booths overhead and you have to insert coins to use 'em. Nifty eh?

______________________________

help.me.i'm.lost?

2010-10-30T05:43:00.004+01:00

Here's the thing about us. I finally managed to see things through other perspectives. I find other sources. Foe the time being, it's quite alright. Anyhooo.....

Things are gettin pretty much better between us. I thought it might get worse, but it didn't. It gets better. And better. And better. Bit by bit we tell eachother something that we haven't had the nerve to ask either of us. But not everything tho. Not yet. Despite the fact that I enjoy what we have, I'm kinda lost where we're going.

If we're just friends, I don't think friends talked everytime. Like from dusk til...dusk?
If we're just friends, I don't think friends trade in sickness and in health...
If we're just friends, I don't think you'd always wake me up for morning prayer..

Is it too much to ask to confirm where we're standing?
I'm not gonna ask it now, or anytime soon. But one day I will.
Cause I'm lost. We're not just friends are we?

After a long talk with fellow girlies, I realized that this kind of relationship will work. I mean, busy, as we don't see eachother pretty often; loving and caring as we communicate everytime; laughing as we joke around; inriguing as we have lots to dig on eachother. Not much of quantity, but very high quality.

I believe the lovey goofey relationship no longer works for me. I don't need lots of romance. I don't need lots of attention. He touches the other side of me that not everyone can see. Small things, torn pieces, yet he stayed to glued it all together. I admire his sanity while dealing with me. I'm not easy, I'm fragile but I don't break easily. I once left, he didn't. He waited (intentionally or not), I hope I'm that worthy. If he ever questioned me towards him? he's that prescious that I wouldn't dream to have one. But if I do, I'll take a very good care of you till the day I close my eyes.

"Hey you somewhere there.. yeah, it's you I'm talking about.."

beginikah?

2010-08-28T19:37:00.003+01:00

people changed, tings changed -monica, in Friends 1.1

kok gitu ya, kelakuannya sekarang?
menurut gue sih jadi agak belaguk..
tapi yasudahlah...
perubahan adalah sesuatu yang konstan..
saya harus bisa menyesuaikan dengan keadaan..
daripada saya sebal,
lebih baik saya menjaga dan membatasi diri..

AIPL 2000

2010-08-28T19:27:00.001+01:00

hihi ketemu lagi sama anak2 AIPL 2000.
Semua masih yang sama, kecuali yang cewek2 udah pada bawak anak :P

Fasting Break Reunion 2010 - Class of 2000 FEUI

2010-08-14T19:48:00.003+01:00

this is not us though...hehehe

How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it! ~ George Elliston

As always, we tried to meet up with uni buds every year. Sometimes we make charity events, sometimes it's just a smple gathering. Lately, each one of us are either getting busy or put their priorities on family and kids. Which makes it less easier to meet up.

Puti is our best organizer. Somehow she just can made us meet up. This time, we decided to do potluck. Why? Because we consider the other family members, it'll be more comfortable to do various activities insomeone's house rather than in restaurant(s). Some can eat, play, watch movies, or even all of those. Spontaneously we choose Riri's friends. First, because it's her own house; and second, because we have lots of memories in the house. And I will share about the second reason.

The house is in South Jakarta, Bintaro. Riri has always been among the smartest in the group. Thus, she cares alot about us, her friends. She helps us on our studies, indeed she's a very good tutor. On times before and during exams, we stayed in her house to study. I remember when I took the advanced accounting subject, I don't understand a bit. She taught me everything about the subject, and I passed on the exam. Some other subjects, we just share our knowledge to have deeper understanding from several point of views. Long story short, that house had helped us to obtain our Bachelor degree. No wonder why it means alot :)

Anyway, this afternoon, unexpectedly, most of us made it. There were like more than 30 person came with their plus 1, husband, wife, kids, and or assistants. We can't barely believe it was already a decade ago since we used to stay there on exams period. The interior has changed, she made the ground floor became the kids corner with little tikes, plenty of toys, and open space area. Everyone enthusiatically bring foods to share. Total food fiesta, from appetizers, main courses, desserts, snacks, and drinks. Yes, we came home absolutely not with empty stomach. Even so, we managed to wrap some (hahaha can't help to resist the food temptation!), to share with family members who couldn't make it. Everyone was happy. Very happy. Extremely happy.

I believe everyone miss the good old days, and this event managed to bring it back. During the gathering we learned that we're just the same old us inside. All the jokes, all the memories, it stays in our heart. Some dirty talks (dirty means talking about work stuffs) occur, and guess what? In my upcoming job, I will be related to some of them. I then realized, how oil industries are just a small bunch of people. How FEUI-ers, Lobby-B-ers are just connected in some ways. This event is surely confirm how powerful we are (nyehehehe).

I could never have enough word to thank God on all of the blessings. I feel so rich. Thank you God, you are the best architect ever! Alhamdulillah...

Good foods, great time, and wonderful friends... How could I ask for more?...

"I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes." E. E. Cummings

for a reason.

2010-07-28T20:21:00.003+01:00

I never enjoy this pms thing.

Since he's back on twitter, I sometimes tweet no mention in reply to his tweet(s). If you ever asked me why I did that, it's because I'd love to get re-connected to him, but somehow I don't have the courage. Somehow I'm terribly afraid that he wouldn't accept me. But today, I did the tweet no mention again, and he replied. Some part of me are happy. Some aren't.

Happy because although he erased my pin, he still follows me on twitter. Well, that's another story. To cut it short, I never replied to his last text msg. I'm letting it be. Hopeless to get things back as it used to be. When everything went well.

Thus, I'm sad because it makes me remember all the things we used to do. The late night jokes, the unimportant thing we talked for ages, the serious chat, everything. I missed all those things. I miss his presence on guiding me on track. I miss his comforting words. There are still some promises we haven't had the chance to deliver. I suppose it won't happen. Ever.

I have to admit he plays an important role in my life. If it wasn't him who did the effort, I'm not sure I am where I am today. I might be lost. He handled me very well at that time. I was on a very critical phase, and he managed to put me back on the right track. But since things aren't going well since then, I'd rather have him just the way when we're apart.

I believe everyone was here for a reason. Including him. I choose to believe that he was sent to bring me back to my sanity. Now that I'm here already, his tasks is done. It's my turn to do all the hard work. And what about him? He's still there...watching me from a far.

While some part of me wish he would be here..watching me closely...

solitude.

2010-07-14T20:57:00.004+01:00

I miss living by myself
I miss having to do the routines
I miss doing groceries
I miss choosing the cheapest products
I miss buying veggies that almost due its 'best before'
I miss cooking on my own to cut costs
I miss friendly gatherings
I miss checking promos
I miss hurrying myself into discount places
I miss early morning queing in front of NEXT on boxing day and summer
I miss putting all the stuff found in discount to my bag,
and deciding which one that I should have refund on on the day after
I miss the euphoria of finding bargain yet good quality stuffs
I miss calculating the things I want into working hours
I miss going to a lunch with bunch of girls
I miss having dinner in resto on cold winter nite
I miss sipping drinks in 'coolings'
I miss strolling high street..thinking nothing
I miss dinner at the Ichsan's
I miss what I had
Not because I dislike what I have now,
I just simply miss it...I miss UK...
It's only a year, a year that I'll never ever forget..
My Fortress of Soulitude...

angels vibe.

2010-07-11T18:48:00.002+01:00

hatiku senaaaaannggggg!!!

I really believe that I have so many angels without wings around me. It is like they were sent from heaven to plum my mood -plum was the term used by Pandji Pragiwaksono to make you feel better when you're feeling blue. If it's blue, put pink...plum it!.

Few days ago, I was fighting one of the lousiest Friday traffic+rainy day to went to the Isra' Mi'raj celebration. My best friend was sick, and I had to go alone. But somehow I really wanted to go there. I met some friends, those that I haven't seen for a while :) Suddenly my friend said that she bought me a book :) I really want that book but couldn't find it anywhere!! PRICELESS!!

And today, as I arrived in my friend's house, one of them said that she has something for me. And she brought me something that I have always wanted!! Hihihihih I am so excited, may God bless you dear :))

I do feel that I need them. I need to go to those gathering, because I want to, because I'd love to. Even more when I don't feel good bout myself, physically or emotionally. Being around wonderful people can make me feel better, their aura spreads to mine. Believe it or not, it hapens in me.

thanks peeps...love you much..

kebon pedes. june '10

2010-07-06T06:11:00.007+01:00

Sudah menjadi tradisi bahwa setidaknya dua bulan sekali gue, nyokap, dan keluarga kakak gue nyekar ke bogor - kebon pedes. seneng kalo liat makamya bersih. Sayangnya terakhir kesana, keadaannya bener2 kotor, kayak ga pernah ditengokin. Kasian eyang, mungkin pada blum sempet aja yaa. Didukung oleh cuaca yang bolak balik ujan, bikin tanaman ekstra cepat gondrong.

Pak Udin bergegas ke arah makam saat melihat kita datang. Pak Udin ini penjaga makam dari jaman baheula. He's like the one who has all the keys. Begitu besar pengabdiannya ama makam, dengan seragam biru tua dan sepatu boot karet, lengkap dengan parang+sapu lidi di tangan.

tanamannya sampai menjuntai ke lantai..hampir menutupi sisi2 makam di atas pagar besi.

bala bantuan mang Udin yang bekerja ngeberesin makam

Beliau dan anak buahnya pun langsung bebersih makam, kita pun ikutan turun tangan sambil ngasih arahan supaya begina begini begitu. Makam diperindah bukan karena syirik, tapi supaya yang dateng ngerasa nyaman. Berdoa di bawah keteduhan, apalagi kalo siang..enaknya minta ampun. Setelah bersih, maka kita mulai melakukan ritual berdoa.

All my prayers for you eyangs....semoga bahagia di sisi-Nya. Sekarang Makam-nya udah bersih dan cantik lagi :) sampaiy jumpa bulan depan eyangs..

I am responsible for myself.

2010-06-24T19:55:00.004+01:00

In the end I am responsible for my own doings. When the jusdgement day comes, my parents can't help me, my family can't help me, my friends can't help me as well. I will be all alone accepting the verdict. Please do not judge my decission on this one. This is between me and God. I have my own reasons, and I am standing over a firm ground. The law of God.

"If you spend much time on judging people, you won't have time to actually love them"

I lay my eyes upon them.

2010-06-24T19:40:00.002+01:00

If this is a coincidence, it is too perfect.

This afternoon, I bought two pieces of hijab to wear to the classes. I want to try to wear hijab (since I don't have any), and want to do something else other than playing with my pashminas. This could be a good start, I thought.

As I sit on the side of a cafe, talking to a friend for a while, I realized the strange thing that has been going on since the moment I sit there. Everywhere I look, I saw women or girls wearing hijab. It is like..EVERYWHERE I gaze, look, or lay sight.

Is it a sign? What does it means?

There I stood. There I thought. What does it means. And until this moment, I can't figure it out.

reformasi rohani.

2010-06-20T20:11:00.004+01:00

Ini kisah saya. Kisah saya dalam sebuah pencarian jati diri.

Setelah dua thun lalu saya berada di puncak kekesalan saya terhadap seorang anak manusia, say memutuskan untuk pergi jauh dan menjalin perdamaian dengan diri saya. I was the good girl gone bad. Very bad that at some point, saya merasa malu dengan diri saya sendiri dan segala kebodohan yang pernah saya lakukan. Yes I've gone to parties. Yes I drink alot, and let myself carried away. Yes I did it because I want it. Then I realized that it was not the right thing.

Seorang teman lalu berbicara pada saya, and it starts over a coffee.. "Ay, kalo kamu mau mengenal diri kamu, kamu harus mengenal siapa pencipta kamu". Lanjut lagi "Seperti gini deh, kalo kamu mau tau gimana cara bikin cappuccino atau bahan-bahan untuk membuat secangkir cappuccino, paling bener kamu tanya ke barista-nya, bukan tanya orang laen". Pada saat itu saya setengah mati berusaha memahami apa maksudnya bilang begitu.

Teman saya ini ternyata nggak pernah meninggalkan saya. Dia senantiasa memberikan ketentraman batin melalui kata-kata bijaknya yang sebagian besar berbau religius. Pada awalnya saya melakukan penolakan, namun seperti kata pepatah, batu sekeras apapun kalau ditetesi air pasti akan tergerus juga. Seperti itulah saya. Walau pemahaman saya sudah banyak yang menguap, saya berusaha kembali bersujud di hadapan-Nya setelah sekian lamanya saya merasa sangat nista dan tidak layak untuk bersujud pada-Nya.

Dua tahun berlalu sejak perbincangan itu. Baru sekarang saya memahami maksudnya. Tuhan itu tidak jauh. Saya mulai mencari esensi Tuhan yang sesungguhnya. Surprisingly, saya yang 12 tahun di sekolah Islam itu, hanya dijejali oleh doktrin-doktrin religi. Namanya doktrin, tentu jauh dari pemahaman atas esensi. Itulah relung kosong yang selama ini memnta untuk diisi. Baru sekarang-sekarang ini saat saya yang kebetulan blm bekerja, memiliki waktu luang untuk mencari sesuatu yang dapat mengisi relung kosong itu. Melalui pencarian inilah sedikit demi sedikit saya mulai menemukan-Nya. Menemukan si 'Barista'.

Sejak saat saya mengembalikan diri untuk mencari-Nya. Saya mencari tahu tempat dimana bisa mendapatkan pelajaran-pelajaran agama yang lebih mendalam. Awalnya langkah menuju tempat belajar terasa berat. Lucunya, berat itu hanya di awal doang. Kalau sudah di jalan, semuanya menjadi mudah dan menyenangkan. Lambat laun, saya mulai merasakan ketentraman jiwa. Ketenangan batin yang belum pernah saya rasakan. Satu demi satu urusan menjadi mudah. Kalau sudah berusaha tapi belum berhasil, saya menjadi positive feeling. Saya berpikir bahwa Dia yang Maha Mengatur memiliki rencana lain. Dan semuanya menjadi mudah untuk dihadapi.

Menengok ke belakang, banyak teman-teman yang tidak seberapa dekat berkomentar "si Ayay lagi rajin ngaji" atau "si Ayay berubah banget deh". Berkali-kali saya bilang "people changed, things changed". Lagipula, sesuai keyakinan saya, di hari akhir nanti, toh yang akan bertanggung jawab atas diri saya ya saya sendiri. Orang lain tidak akan diminta pertanggung jawaban atas perbuatan saya.

Dulu, saya rajin solat karna doktrin. Kemudian ada suatu fase dimana saya tidak pernah solat kecuali bulan Ramadhan. Kemudian ada lagi saat dimana saya ingin kembali solat tapi malu terhadap Tuhan karena telah menduakan-Nya. Tentunya saya merasa amat tidak pantas untuk kembali. Dan sekarang ini, saya melakukan ibadah bukan semata karna kewajiban. Tapi karena saya merasa saya lah yang membutuhkannya. Saya lah yang butuh Tuhan, dan ibadah ini yang akan membantu saya kelak untuk menjumpai-Nya. Bila lama absen solat malam, saya merindukan momen 'quality time' bersama Sang Pencipta, karena biasanya disitulah saat dimana saya bercerita kepada Tuhan seperti seorang sahabat bercerita. Setiap puasa pun menjadi mudah, karena saya berpikir bahwa Rasul pun melakukan hal yang jauh lebih berat dan dia berhasil. Apalah artinya puasa saya yang bisa tidur di rumah, pakai AC, baca buku, dll dibandingkan dengan dia yang cobaannya jauh lebih berat. Apalah arti penderitaan saya dibandingkan Sayyidah Fatimah yang 3 hari berturut2 puasa tapi penganan berbukanya diberikan pada orang miskin, anak yatim, dan tawanan perang? Tentu nggak ada artinya. Mengingat itu semua, ibadah saya terbilang jauh lebih mudah dan nikmat.

Mengikuti beberapa pengajian pun saya senang mendapatkan teman-teman baru. Mereka baik dan sangat suportif. Mereka meminjami saya buku-buku, menemani saya ke kelas-kelas religi, dan menjelaskan hal-hal yang saya masih memiliki keraguan atau ketidak jelasan. Sungguh menyenangkan berada diantara mereka yang baik akhlak dan pengetahuan agamanya.

Perubahan saya ini bukan berarti saya menjauh dari teman-teman saya yang dulu. Saya masih anak yang sama, yang masih mau ngopi-ngopi, masih mau kumpul-kumpul, masih semangat main bulutangkis bareng. Cuman kalau nongkrongnya di kafe, saya memiliki garis batasan sendiri. Misalnya, dengan minum yang bukan alkohol. Namun selebihnya, saya masih anak yang sama seperti dulu yang hadir untuk teman-teman saya.

Sya berubah setelah mengalami jihad melawan diri sendiri. Inilah yang berat dan sulit. Tentu akan ada komentar positif dan negatif dari lingkungan saya mengenai perubahan ini. Tapi saya yakin waktu akan menjawab segala pertanyaan mereka atas perubahan diri saya. Saya telah atau sedang mengalami reformasi rohani yang insyaAllah menuju ke arah yang lebih baik.

I'm sharing this because I've been there, I've done that..

Regardless your faith, do find your God.. and you'll be amazed on the changes you'll be having..

sejak kapan dunia adil sama cewek?

2010-06-06T18:57:00.003+01:00

I have to disagree on this one. Menurut gue, sebagai umat Islam (jiyyehhh berat deh kali ini), gue merasa bahwa agama gue paling bener. Karena ini keyakinan, dan gue yakin, maka gue percaya dan menganut. Gue yakin temen2 penganut keyakinan apapun punya dasar yang sama kayak gue. Terlepas dari penganut keyakinan apapun, karna gue meyakini pilihan gue, maka gue yakin Tuhan itu Maha Sempurna (don't we all believe in this?). Karna Dia Maha Sempurna, maka Dia menciptakan segala sesuatu lengkap dengan sistemnya. Ga mungkin dong manusia diciptain trus dilepas gitu aja tanpa guidance yang jelas. Kalo menurut keyakinan gue, kitab suci adalah petunjuk hidupnya. Masuk akal kan?

Dengan begini, gue pun yakin kalo diciptakannya manusia dua jenis, yaitu laki2 dan perempuan, tentu ada maksudnya. Dua jenis berbeda, bentuk berbeda, organ2 berbeda, dan tanggung jawab berbeda. Salah satunya mengenai aurat. Cewek kan emang lebih menyenangkan untuk diliat, makanya dikasih tuntunan untuk menutup aurat lebih luas drpd cowok. Masuk akal kan?

Nah, tadi nih gue di twitt ama orang yang bilang "cowoknya yang berbuat, ceweknya yang diputus kontrak. kapan sih dunia adil sama cewek?"Dan dengan isengnya gue nyamber "abis ceweknya sendiri ga adil sih ama dirinya sendiri". Biar lebih jelas lagi, ini refer ke kejadian bocornya video porno 2 org public figure. Abis itu gue diserang kanan kiri aja ama statement itu. Anyway, gue berani bilang begitu karna gue punya alesan-alesan yang akan gue jelasin di bawah ini.

1. Selama terikat kontrak, pihak2 terkait punya hak dan kewajiban masing. Secara ceweknya terikat kontrak iklan oleh sebuah perusahaan fmcg multinasional yang terkenal ketat menjaga reputasi talent-talent-nya, selayaknya kontrak tersebut dijaga kelangsungannya dengan baik. Dalam artian, menjaga perilaku di publik yang kiranya bisa mencederai citra-nya sebagai brand ambassador.

2. Sebagai public figure, memang sudah resiko dan konsekwensi kalau sebagian dari kehidupan pribadinya akan dikonsumsi publik. Jadi akibat dari perbuatannya akan menjadi dua atau bahkan tiga kali lebih berat daripada apabila hal yang sama menimpa org biasa yang nggak terkenal (macam gue gini...tinggal ngilang setaun ke luar, balik2 jg uda pada lupa).

3. Segala perbuatan menimbulkan resiko dan konsekwensinya masing2. Maka kalo sekarang videonya keluar dan berpengaruh thdp karirnya, itu sudah merupakan resiko dan konsekwensi.
a. resiko dr dia bikin video dan konsekwensi karna kurang cermat menjaganya.
b. resiko dari kontrak yang sedang berjalan, yang sudah disetujui oleh kedua pihak.
lagian, kl mo bandel bgitu, ya jgn mau ceweknya aja dong yg disorot. Ceweknya juga pegang kamera, biar cowoknya kesorot jg dengan sering. Kl gitu kan jadi jelas konsekwensinyadi masa depan (kalo hal2 yg ga diinginkan terjadi sperti ini) akan menimpa dua2nya...kalo emang mau fair dari awal loooh.

Bukan berarti gue bilang "rasain looooo". Tapi what I'm tryin to say is that "terima ajalah, memang itu buah dari perbuatanmu sendiri. Yang penting kdepannya aja mau gimana solusinya". Gue bukan tipe orang yang seneng ngorek2 dan mencampuri urusan orang, tapi lebih suka ke arah solusi. Lagian shits happens in life, so what??

Tp conclude, kalo gamau apes, emang cewek harus pinter2 jaga diri. Kalo gamau terjerumus, ya jangan maen2 di jurang. Sebenernya simple aja kok. Apalagi dengan guidance yang jelas, yang dari Tuhan, dmana itu adalah sempurna. Tuhan ga maksain buat dipatuhi, balik lagi ke personal orang2nya. Kalo mau dipatuhi sukuuuur, kl ga dipatuhi ya sukurin. Toh di hari akhir nanti kan tanggung jawabnya individu, bukan kelompok. At your own risk aja gituh.

Semoga kita2 bisa lebih memahami konteks permasalahan ini, dan terlebih buat perempuan, bisa menjaga diri lebih baik lagi. Dunia ini adil kalo lo mau diperlakukan secara adil (maksudnya cerdas dlm bertindak). Kalo lo sendiri ga adil ama diri lo sendiri (baca: ga cerdas thdp diri sendiri), gmn mau minta dunia supaya adil?...

Kata michael jackson sih "I'm startin with the man in the mirror.."

mau lo apa? mau gue apa?

2010-05-06T21:39:00.002+01:00

Maunya apa sih ni orang ya?...

Kalo emang serius, bilang terus terang!

Banyak yang musti dibenahin,

Kawin ga kayak beli kucing dalam karung,

Lo musti tau banyak tentang gue,

Emang selama ini lo tau apa?

Selama ini gue tau apa?

Emang lo bisa terima gue apa adanya?

Emang gue bisa terima elo the whole package?

Pandangan gue tentang perkawinan gimana?

Ga segampang itu!

Ga secepet itu!

Semua ada prosesnya, ga maen tembak langsung begitu..

Mau lo apa sih???...

MR. IOUS.

2010-05-06T20:16:00.002+01:00

Since the day I met you, I never knew what you've been looking from me. Look at us, we're like 180 different. I'm good girl gone bad (which u strongly disagree); and you're like bad guy gone good. And you are good. I'm not. I stil play with my life. I like extreme games (this one you also disagree). Thus, you keep yourself close. Not like physically close, but you're always there. You talked about marriage, and I have doubt in marriage. I doubt it because I am scared. I have so many secret. So many things hidden in my past and in my family. I don't think you can take it. I don't think I can take you taking it.

Look at you. You sort of care about me. You guide me back on track. You never treated me wrong. You're... different. Sometimes I believe you're the one, but sometimes I don't want you to be the one. You have this door to your life. And you shut it carefully. I can never breakthrough. I never knew what I want to know about you. This whatever relationship is never be equal. I never knew why you always there. Whenever I am, whenever I'm in doubt, you're there. But why? If you're not the one, why you're there? why you stay? Mysterious, yes you are.

Look at me. I'm bad, lousy, and stoopid. I'm careless, fortunately, with you I don't need to care about you because you can take care of yourself. With you, I knew I can lean on when I need you. You comfort me with your words, well guess what? that's what I rarely got. But no you're not here. I feel like I'm sharing you, and that's something I can't do. I've been sharing, now I want one just for me. You said I'm good, but I'm not. Too soon for you to conclude. If you ever want to be a part of my life, you might get a shot. I'm stone cold in front of you. Yes, I hide my feelings. I need to be on my own. On the other side, I share my life to everyone (celebrity? uh no thanks..). I just wish you want to know them even more. I just wish you're...really here in a normal way.

I have too many questions to ask, I doubt you'll have all the answer I need.

NASIONAL.IS.ME

2010-05-01T21:11:00.002+01:00

Buku yang dibuat oleh seorang pemuda Indonesia bernama Pandji Pragiwaksono ini sangat inspiratif. Pantas kalo gue acungin jempol ampe 8 (ama jempol nyokap gue, seseorang yang paling berarti dalam hidup gue). Gue nggak banyak kaget dan terpesona sebenernya, karena poin penting yang mau disampaikannya sebagian udah gue alamin sendiri. Antara lain akan gue jabarin di bawah.

Indonesia itu Indah - Iya banget. Setelah gue keliling, gue punya pola yang bisa dibilang monoton untuk beberapa daerah. Misalnya, kalo ke Eropa, lo akan eneg ama Gereja yang aneka rupa, tapi paling mentok pas lo liat St Peter Basilica di Vatikan. /abis lo liat itu, Gereja2 laen akan nampak...biasa2 aja. Bentuk bangunan yang lama-nya ya begitu2 aja. Wisata alamnya, yaaahh cupu. Tapi kalo Indonesia, lo boleh berbangga hati karena selama perjalanan gue, Indonesia masih memegang peringkat juara buat kumpulan pantainya yang indah. Mau pantai karang kek, pantai apa kek..tetep paling cakep. Lembah dan gunungnya juga mag-ni-fi-cent!!! you just can't get enough of it. Sangat dianjurkan buat eksplorasi kekayaan negeri, karena sumpah kita sangat kaya.

Indonesia Ekonominya bagus - yes, berdasarkan berbagai studi, ekonomi Indonesia cukup stabil dalam menghadapi badai krisis finansial 2008 kemarin. Kita cuman defisit 2% dibandingin negara lain yang berada di kisaran 9%-11%. Majalah The Economics edisi sekitar October 2009 pernah menyediakan sebuah ulasan komprehensif mengenai Indonesia dan memuji kestabilan negara kita sehingga dibilang negara kita ini potensial menjadi besar. Sekarang universitas2 di dunia sedang gencar membahas tentang Cina dan India. Kalau kita bisa memantain atau meningkatkan posisi negara kita, ga menutup kemungkinan kalo Indonesia akan jadi topik penting beberapa tahun ke depan. Hermawan Kertajaya sendiri bilang kalo ngomongin Asia, 4 negara yang jadi bahan pembicaraan: Cina, India, Vietnam, Indonesia. See? We are that potential!!

Indonesia = Creative - Dengan kekayaan budaya begini rupa? Pastinya kreatif. Banyak wakil kita di kancah dunia, dari bidang Sains ampe Entertainment (bukan entertain kayak yang suka dibilang ama artes2 di tv..kampring!). Bandung itu kota yang kreatif karena seniman dan suporternya. Warga Bandung sangat mendukung kreasi2 yang tercipta, makanya acara2 sering digelar dan jarang sepi. Kalo jalan ke kota2 kecil, sering ba get kan lo liat hasil pengrajin2 lokal yang harganya sangat terjangkau. Gue dan Nyokap seringkali jalan2 misalnya ke Jepara dan pesen furniture yang agak banyak. Harganya jauh lebih murah daripada harga Jakarta dan ukirannya jauh lebih apik. Nyokap gue nggak pernah nawar terlalu jauh, kadang dia cuman make sure ja kalo harganya 'pantes'. Dia sangat menghargai hasil karya anak negeri, dan membantu mereka berkembang. Contoh lain adalah berhubungan dengan hobi nyokap yang koleksi kain. Setiap gue ke sebuah daerah, nyokap selalu mencari kain khas daerah itu dan beli. Mau harganya jutaan (bukan nyombong, tapi emang ga murah, karna pembuatannya ga gampang), dia bakal beli (selama harganya dinilai pantas). Pernah suatu kali kita ke rumah kecil tempat pengrajin kain Palembang, dan si nenek2 pengrajinnya lagi nganyam. Nyokap udah suka ama anyamannya, tu kain dibeli saat itu juga, untuk dikirim ke Jakarta begitu kainnya selesai dibuat. Sebulan kemudian, kain itu sampai ke rumah gue. Lemari khusus diperuntukkan nyimpan berbagai kain. Dari batik Iyut, Eyang, yang dia koleksi sendiri, tenun Lampung, Palembang, Medan, Padang, Timor, Makassar..you name it, we have it. Yes, we love Indonesia.

Setidaknya 3 hal itu cukup kuat untuk membuat gue mencintai negeri ini. Terlebih setelah gue ke luar, dan gue ngeliat kalo ternyata negara lain pun ga se-indah yang selama ini kita pikir. Sama aja punya konflik, masalah, dan isu2. Tapi urusan negara lain, gue ga peduli (egois dikit..heheh). Gue mau urusin negeri gue. Gue mau bergerak dan berkarya buat negeri ini. Alesan yang membuat gue memilih balik daripada berjuang mati2an di negeri orang; gue akan merasa lebih puas dan lebih berarti kalo berjuang mati2an di negeri sendiri. I'll do whatever I can. I travel alot, pertama karna gue suka jalan2; kedua, karna gue pengen share ke seluruh dunia bahwa negara gue bagus dan lo ga bakal nyesel kalo kesana. Kadang gue gemes ama kelakuan pemerintah yang kurang support ama parwisata padahal kalo digarap serius, yakin banget gue...GA BAKAL SEDIKIT PENDAPATAN DARI PARIWISATA. But they are who they are. I can't change them, but I can change my attitude. Semua dimulai dari diri sendiri.

Kalau bukan kita yang mulai menghargai, gimana orang lain mau menghargai?
kalo bukan kita yang cinta negeri ini, siapa lagi?

INDONESIAUNITE

the world and the after life.

2010-04-28T20:03:00.002+01:00

I've been trying to learn more about my religion lately. The thing is, the more I know, the less I understand. Like when it comes about our life in the world and the after life. In Ramadhan, during the month, we are supposed to be more attached in to activities that'll secure our place in the after life. But as a human, we do work for our life. If we have to concentrate totlly on our after life security activities, we might lost what we've been building so far in life. I believe my religion shouldn't make it any harder. There's gotta be some ways to overcome the problem. Such as win-win solutions. I still have plenty un-answered questions.

The more I know, the less I understand....

the first among the girls.

2010-04-27T22:18:00.003+01:00

From the moment we were teenagers, and grew up, we put on a bet on who's the first one that's getting married. The bet was on the girls, because of the age factors and our local Eastern tradition. However, things didn't seems to work the way we'd expect it to be. The guys said the vow first. So far, there are two (out of 9) is married, June another one is getting married, yes..all of them are guys. I thought it's acurse that all the girls are not so fortunate when it comes to love life. But the curse is about to break.

Leny is getting married. They've talked about it quite seriously, and as alway...I'm the who became extremely happy. Especially since she's like a sister to me. I never had a sister, with her, I feel like I have one. We share everything. Like practically everything. She taught me how to do y first kiss, and all dating thingy. She rescued me from a not-so-well date(s). She's the one who stood by me and encouaged me whenever I'm in a low down. Yet, she never against me on any of my relationshit. She's always happy for me although she knew exactly that the guy I was with is a complete a** hole. Then again, she let me cry on her shoulder, and managed to find me a time in her loaded schedule.

By those reasons, how can I not be happy :D I'm the one who's very excited. I asked my friend to get me one whole set of toiletteries from M&S for her. And I'm so ready to be her bumper and accompany her through all the way. I might as well cry, but these are the tears of happiness. I am so happy. Suddenly, the thing of me being single is no longer major issue. I do stressed out a bit for not having a secure relationship (well, that's the story we wnted to be, that by the time one of us is getting married, the others would aready in a secure relationship..not everything goes the way we want it too tho..); but her happiness, and her matters comes first.

Hopefully, after one of the girl is down the isle, soon the rest will follow...Amiiinnn

disconnect.

2010-04-22T19:27:00.004+01:00

Semakin hari gue semakin menemukan ketidak cocokan antara gue dan dia. I've told you guys that he's fanatic right? not to mention that he supports poligamy. I might as well say that I do believe it happens, but I don't support it. I still think that it's not fair for women. Men and their ability to be fair? Who can ever guarantee? Even our own prophet does not sure that he's fair enough although I believe he tried his best and he probably does. So then I made myself clear that I'm not discussing it, (as well as he is) to get married with eachother. So we're clear about it.

I've been sharing my man for the last few years, and I came to a conclusion that I don't enjoy it. Thus, such behavior is unacceptable in my manners. Please do understand that some people maybe that strong to hold on. Well, I am definetely exclude in that group. I only want a normal life. Me, one man (husband) and kids. A normal life.

It's about time to call it off. Dead end, and the next thing to do, to go back and start again. I'm tired, but I can't stop. I have to go on, and have some faith. Singletini's, here we goooo!!!!!

fanatic.

2010-04-15T18:16:00.000+01:00

it turns out to be that he's a fanatic follower...and I'm not comfortable with it.

the one that made me stoned.

2010-04-11T18:22:00.003+01:00

him : please do consider
me : about what?...

............ (he stepped out from the car, while the taxi was waiting for him)

him : please consider that I might propose you for a marriage
me :.................... (silence, shocked, and I am so damn sure my face changed!!!)
we'll talk about it later
him : of course we'll talk about itu later, not now :)

still shocked. to this second.

my blushing moment

2010-04-09T11:06:00.003+01:00

highlight of the day...

h : I have a strong feeling that you can be a good wive :)
m : yeah rite, this time? when I have doubt about spouses?
I mght be the one who think that u could be a good husband.
h : tapi aku serius tadi itu :) you'd be a good wive
m : tau darmana?
h : yo're a keeper
m : aaauuuuwwww *blushing*
h : okay. now you're not. hwaaehaheahehah :))

it's nice to hear nice things came out from....him....

(Late) twenties and baggages.

2010-04-07T19:00:00.004+01:00

Beberapa hari lalu gue ngobrol panjang sama sahabat gue mengenai hidup. Berat ya topiknya? Eiym! Kalau ditelaah lebih dalam lagi, obrolan kita ampe mendalami latar blakang keluarga. Unfortunately, kita berdua, dan bberapa yang kita juga diskusikan di topik nggak punya background keluarga yang normal. We all seems normal, but in fact, we're not. Setiap orang punya rahasia dan permasalahannya sendiri2. Tau ga ujung2nya apaan? Pasangan hidup.

Kalo udah di penghujung umur dua puluhan gini, paham banget kan kalo keluarga (inti maupun nggak) seakan mendesak supaya "cepet nikah". Nah, itulah permasalahan di ujung sananya. Nengok sekeliling, temen2 kita udah pada merit, punya anak, punya anak kedua (atau sedang program), atau lebih gila lagi...berencana cerai. Bukannya ga mau, bukannya nggak berusaha, tapi...ga semua cerita berakhir sesuai dengan yang kita harapkan.

Seiring sruputan root beer di A&W, cerita demi cerita bergulir. Si M yang selama ini kita liat perfect as in she's everything that a man could want..ternyata she's the one who struggle on each relationship. Si L yang normal, ternyata tiba2 tau kalo dia bukan keturunan biologis orangtuanya yang sekarang ini. Si T yang udah having a steady relationship, ternyata masih berpikir berkali2 untuk melangkah lebih lanjut. Si A juga punya tekanan dari keluarga (orang tua yang udah cukup berumur) untuk segera berkeluarga. Sementara gue dan sahabat gue ini...we are our parent's only hope to throw a proper wedding. One thing in common: baggages. We all have baggages and loving them.

Sometimes persoalan pasangan hidup ini ga berenti di titik menyembuhkan luka hati kita. Tapi luka hati di baggages kita ini. Kekecewaan hati kita, kita masih kuat nanggung. Tapi kekecewaan orangtua, ipar, dan keluarga (secara gue tetanggan ama keluarga kakak gue yaa)... itu lebih dalem. Pertama, mereka pasti sedih kalo hubungan kita dengan seseorang berakhir, karena mereka akan ngeliat kita sedih juga. Kedua, berarti dalam urusan si pasangan ini, kita harus memulai lagi dari awal, mengenalkan lagi, dan melalui fase penyesuaian yang cukup meletihkan. Ketiga, waktu terus berjalan..reality bbites, biological clock is ticking. Everytime a relationship ended, it's the baggages that we care the most.

We want our baggages to be happy and proud of us. But when it comes to finding "the one", we are absolutely clueless. It's not that we're doing nothing, we tried..we always do. But we just haven't found the one. All we can do is to pray to God to give them a chance to be there when we say "I Do". Amiin...

when love and hate collide (part deux)

2010-04-07T18:39:00.002+01:00

Rupiah menguat! sbagai warga negara Indonesia, menyadari kalo sebagian besar rakyat negeri ini bertopang pada nilai rupiah, saya berbahagia. Berarti, bangsa ini diuntungkan. Berarti, daya beli masyarakat meningkat. Good for us! Apalagi di tengah krisis dunia (walau alhamdulillah sekali, di Indonesia ini nggak terlalu kerasa yaaa), negara kita berhasil stabil dalam perekonomian, atau bahkan bisa dibilang meningkat.

Di sisi lain, secara saya belum bekerja, dan mengandalkan tabungan GBP...saya miris :((((( semakin hari, nilai GBP menurun, dan daya beli saya menurun. Hadeeeeeeeeehhhhh....apes benner ini namanyaaaaaaa.......huhuhuhuhuh....

Must. Get. A. Job. Soon.

tenaga kerja.

2010-04-06T11:30:00.001+01:00

susah banget cari kerjaan. udah apply sana sini blm dapet juga. ga dpanggil interview lah, ga ada kabar lah. They don't even bother to send a rejection letter. Hellooo saya mengangguuurrr!!!!!!

connected.

2010-04-06T09:17:00.002+01:00

yes saya tau saya telat. tapi saya sekarang bisa wifi-an di rumah..hehehhe *jingkrak2 sendirian*

photo session

2010-04-06T06:26:00.003+01:00

Rino pengen bikin portfolio buat side job-nya di photgraphy. Sekarang ini dia lagi seneng banget ama infra-red photography. Tawaran job udah ada, tapi dia blom pede kalo nggak ada contoh hasta karya-nya itu. Hnah, kebetulan kan ada anak2 yang selalu sedia menjadi korban percobaan (tentunya termasuk gue yang super murah buat diajak kmanapun). So we set the date to take pictures...di Sentul. Yes, mereka sudah survery, gue percaya aja lah yaaa..

Dengan mengusung tema piknik, aseli properti yang dipake banyak bet. Hold on, bukan dipake, tapi disiapin!! hahhah aiya, ada kembang2 jepit rambut, topi super duper lebar, head band, dll. Ready to go aaahh!!!!!! Akhirnya kita sampe Sentul jam makan siang..which is kita tentunya laper. Tapi nggak lama sih kita makan siang, soljum. Abis itu mulai foto2. Yang jadi model utamanya Kay, Aldo, dan Nita. Keluarga ini bertiga lah yang utama, sementara gue Edo dan Rendy (as always) adalah si tim rusuh. Sukur2 kalo bagus bisa di publish (wuuuhuuuwww!!!).

Banci2 foto ini ga butuh waktu lama loh buat luwes di depan kamera dengan sejuta gaya dan posisi. Hasil fotonya kata Rino mau ditaro di web gitu, tapi blom tau apaan. Gue udah advise buat ikutan taro di weddingku.com dan FD. Ntar kalo web-nya udah jadi (tp katanya masi lama), atau hasilnya udah selesai di-olah digital, gue akan share beberapa. Jangan kaget kalo liat gue nampak semacam poliandri disitu..hahahah namanya juga modeeeeelll (aiiih matteeee!!!!)... I've got few pictures on my camera tho, but that'll be "the making of"..or the "behind the scenes". Will share some when I got the chance to post it online...

It's been quite a while loh since we do things together..and to be able to do it again..it's always been...priceless...

the other side.

2010-03-11T22:37:00.001Z

grandoooossss......me need your point of vieeewwwww!!!!!
maydaaaayyy!!!!!!

when love and hate collide.

2010-03-11T22:02:00.002Z

This is it. This is what they called "when love and hate collide". It's been years, and it happens twice that I was being the one who is in the position of loosing. He never managed to live alone, always sorrounded with girls. He's the one who slept with other girl, got her pregnant, and hated her for making him suffer. I call it payback time. This time I thought I healed. I thought I'm back on my feet. Yet I'm standing in one. My other feet really wants to kick his ass. The thing between us has never been able to be extinguished. We can only managed to escape for a while from the reality that it never exist.

I do want to escape for good. I wish I could say no, and never turned back. I'm still trying to find out how to do it. Maybe I just have to do it, not to wait for tomorrow, or later on. I wish "US" never happened. Yes, I am that angry to say it. He always said that I'm the best he ever had. However, I never see it in his actions. It remains as words. If you feel it, you have to show it. Or else, they wouldn't know.

And back to the same conclusion, once a bastard, always a bastard. It is just how it is. I can't bear to have this kind of man in my life. He's not strong enough to be my man. But he still has the capabilities to hurt me. This is the battle I am fighting. Should I be Buffy, or Blair Waldorf? I suppose some people just don't know how to grow up. Never learn from the past. Maybe it's their education, maybe they simply don't have the will. I haven't found the perfect answer.

The worst thing he did was making me deel traumatized to men. I saw men as a horrible ridiculous creature that I can never trust. They never show their feelings perfectly, the only thing they have in mind is sex, and they rarely have a brain. Yups, he did it perfectly. And yes again, he did nothing to fix it. Making a mess, and never cleans it.

There I said it...love and hate collide.

Oh, when said to someone that he is a good leader... I didn't mean it. He's awful.

And when someone that I thought my friend -since she knew my stories and begged me to be with him again- , turns out to be with him, she's no longer my friend. Period.

Screw you...what's left? Use him sporadically...I'm saying this to everyone. Hope you'll dissappear and rotten in hell...

again.

2010-03-11T18:33:00.003Z

fooled again.

same guy, same plot, different details. Instead of looking for someone like me, why don't try me?

Once a bastard, always a bastard.

There IS a line between friends in friendship. Some people just not smart enough to understand ethics. Or he/she is simply not a friend. Period.

balda pelayan resto (2)

2009-11-27T21:49:00.004Z

kisah di Till (Kasir)

Ternyata, ga semua yang di otomasi akan berjalan lancar. misalnya seperti till (kasir), setiap kita selesai itung duit, setiap pecahan koin dan kertas ditimbang, dan mesin akan transmit langsung ke computer. Hari ini pas till gue di close, ternyata gue dibilang down £160. Gilak apa ya gue nilep segitu amat? biasanya cuman beberapa pence, ini... gedenya ga kira2. Curiga lah gue, dan flashback ke setiap transaksi yang mencurigakan. Mesin kartu ga ada masalah, setiap transaksi yng pake kartu, walau aga pelan, tapi semua sukses. Berarti kemungkinn terletak di transaksi cash kan. Kecurigaan gue melayang ke seorang nenek2 dengan 3 orang cucunya yang pesen makanan 3 menu senilai £9-an, trus bayar pake (seinget gue) £10. Pas gue kasih kembalian, dia bilang dia kasih gue £20. Antara ragu dan nggak, gue kasih tu £10 pon ekstra. Trust the customer, positive thinking. Dari sekian transaski yang kira2 mencurigakan, pokoknya gue yakin banget kalo kemungkinan terbesar selisih till gue cuman di transaksi itu. Yang laen ga mungkin sama sekali. Ternyata setelah till gue down £160, di blakng layar, team leader juga sibuk ngitungin til gue, dan came up with £10 figure. Cocok kan tuh. Pas gue sampe rumah, gue cerita ke Sudi, dan apa coba sodara2?!?!? Sudi juga pernah ngalamin hal yang sama, sama customer yang sama. Dia pernah sekali ketipu, dan yang kedua kali, dia kekeuh kalo si Nenek bayar pake £10. Setelah debat, si nenek pun mundur teratur. Makin yakin lah gue kalo selisih itu adalah karena gue kena tipu ama si Nenek!! Serigala berbulu domba emang!!! persis nenek2 di film Duplex!!!!

Moral: Kalo konsumen bener2 Raja, yg jad rakyat emang suka diinjek2!!! Make sure the money received and the change given are in the correct amount. Next time, gue gamau ketipu lagi ama si Nenek2 bedebah itu... KAli ini selamat lo Nek, next time, gue pantengin tu CCTV buat ngebuktiin kalo gue bener!

balada pelayan resto

2009-11-22T22:43:00.008Z

serumah gue yang share ber-enam ini, semuanya kerja di KFC. Tapi jangan salah, tempatnya beda2. Yang 3 di Digby, sisanya di Sidwell street. Digby itu aga jauh dari pusat kota, sementara sidwell street itu di city center. Cuman kalo buat urusan rame, Digby lebih rame daripada Sidwell street, selain karna lebih besar, juga karna di Digby itu ada Drive Thru-nya (beda ya ga kayak di Jakarta, drive thru-nya ada dimana mana, maklum...gue kan di desa hehehe...).

Nah, karna semua kerja, dan rata2 cuman dapet day off seminggu dua hari, biasanya kalo day off pada nyuci baju tuh. Seragamnya kita kan cuman ada 2, dan untungnya disini udaranya agak bersih, jadi kalo ga kedapetan di burger atau di microwave (yang makanannya berpotensi bikin kotor kayak mayonaise, gravy, atau baked beans), baju dipastikan aman buat dipake besok2nya. Pe er kalo ternyata besok kerja, baju tinggal sebiji, dan pulang2 baju kotor. Langsung pada nyuci, dan ngejemur di heater. Maklum la ya, kita sebagai anak kos gapunya dana buat beli tumble dryer buat ngeringin baju, jadi masi pake cara jadul... dijemur, atau di taro di heater. Jadi, kalo pulang2 ngeliat baju2 dijemur di heater, dengan mudah bisa ditebak kalo si empunya baju kepepet keabisan seragam buat kerja...

Kocak lagi kalo musim dingin begini nih...gilee..itu heater ga pernah absen dari deretan baju yang sama...heheheh namanya juga seragam yak. Dari mulai kaos biru, kaos merah, kaos kaki item, ampe topi merah cap kolonel ayam. jejeeeer semua. Kaos kaki sih masi agak ga terlalu gitu2 amat, secara kalo beli 2 pon (kira2 30rb-an) dapet 7 pasang, jadi paling sekali2nya nyuci langsung beberapa pasang buat seminggu kedepan. Celana jeans juga agak2 cuek, kl nggak dicuci, asal masih bersih mah hajar aja teruus. Ya...paling parah itu doang..kaos...

Okelah, off to bed dulu, cyapek abis kerja ampe tutup toko semalem dan hari ini langsung masuk shift pagi. Untung besok day off. Dan seperti yang kalian duga, baju gue udah nangkring tjiiink di heater... takut ga kering kalo dijemur biasa, matahari lagi malu2 niyts...hehehehe...

my best friend's wedding

2009-11-14T23:57:00.003Z

yep..I know it sounds cliche. But yes, next week, on the 20th November 2009, my best friend is getting married. And sadly, I would not be able to attend. Banyak banget kenangan gue ama pasangan ini. CPP, anggep aja namanya si X yaa, dia nya udah gue anggep kayak kakak gue sendiri. He's the one who stood by me when someone plays around with my heart, even when that someone is his friend. He is the one who answers my calls late at night sobbing in need for comforting words. CPW nya sendiri, yang kita bilang si Y yaa, adalah temen gue cerita2, kadang curhat, dan dia juga sebaliknya, suka curhat sama gue. Yaah, intinya sih, mereka berdua kalo curhat juga ke gue. Jadi, gue lah yang posisinya ada di tengah2 dan menjadi "recycle bin" mereka bedua. As times goes by, dan setelah sekian terjal berliku-nya perjalanan cinta mereka, rasanya legaaaaaaa sekali ngeliat mereka akhirnya bisa bareng. Ini bener2 apa yang orang bilang "kalo jodoh nggak kemana". Gue saksi hidup yang menyaksikan banget perjalanan cinta mereka, dan perjalanan kedewasaan mereka. Kalo ada laki2 yang berjuang buat seorang perempuan yang dicintai, inilah orangnya.

Dulu mereka ditentang karna urusan finansial kerjaan di distro. Setelah diskusi panjang, akhirnya pun si X hijrah ke Jakarta dengan berbekal tabungan yang seadanya dan rencana finansial yang matang (konsultasi sama perencana keuangan mahatmi insyaallah beres atuh..). Setelah urusan karir semakin jelas, muncul masalah kedua, edukasi. Guess what? Edukasi pun ditempuh untuk membuktikan kemampuannya. Walaupun gue tau banget secara fisik dan mental, X setengah mati banget buat ngejalanin kehidupannya. Ditambah kerjaan sampingannya yang waktu kerjanya malem2 (bukan escort loh!!..). Tapi setelah dua tahun, segala usaha itu pun berbuah manis. Akhirnya keluarganya Y luluh juga dan memperbolehkan anaknya dinikahi oleh X.

Si Y sendiri, bukannya lancar2 aja, tapi tekanan keluarga yang kolot dengan status sosial juga sebenernya jadi tekanan batin. Mungkin nggak semua orang ngeliat dan tau, tapi gue yakin banget si Y juga depresi setiap kali keluarganya nyodorin calon dan harus dicoba dijalanin. Kata hati emang gabisa bohong. Y ujung2nya selalu balik ke X. Bahkan sampai detik ini pun, masih terbersit keraguan di diri keluarganya akan si X, yang berdampak ke Y. Complicated banget ya?..hihihi gitu dehh.. Yang keren, Y baru bilang ke gue kalo dari sejak awal ketemu dan pacaran, ada sesuatu yang beda yang dia rasain tentang X. Seperti "click", atau semacam "nah, ini dia yang dicari". And for some reasons, satu hal ini yang blom pernah gue temuin dan rasain. Well, my time hasn't come yet..

My dear friends, you still have a long way to go. Masih jauh perjalanan, dan gue salut karna mereka berdua punya keteguhan hati untuk membangun keluarga kecilnya, dan membuktikan bahwa keraguan2 itu bisa jadi salah. This is love. Jangan pernah ragu untuk angkat jangkar, the Almighty will always be there to guide you.

It is just a week before their wedding, and I already feel the euphoria. I really support you guys, wish you all the best in the chapter of life. Wish I could be there to hear you when the vow will be said...You bet there will be tears on my cheek.. :) Have a great new life guys, I miss you all, and always love you..

dreaming of you

2009-10-29T18:47:00.007Z

Semalem mimpi gue aneh..tapi di sisi lain...hmm nyaman. Kalo gue inget2, ini kali kedua gue mimpi kalo gue sama si A dan merasa nyaman dengan dia. Well, semalemitu jadi gue seakan diculik, atau emang getaway gitu ke tempatnya dia di Bandung (namanya juga mimpi, pokoknya tiba2 tau aja itu di Bandung) selama 1 minggu. Nah, gue itu hari2 ga ngapa2in. Cuman standby di rumah. Tiap kali gue masuk kamarnya, pasti dia lagi solat. Dan di waktu lain, gue berasa kayak nungguin majikan pulang. Enggak gue bangeeett! Beberapa kali gue cuman diajakin jalan2 makan2..terus mengenang jalan2 di Bandung jaman dulu+sekarang. Yang aneh, dalam rutinitas yang nggak gue banget itu, gue merasa nyaman ada di deket dia. I have exactly no idea, karena banyak yang bertentangan banget sama gue. Pertama, gue seneng mobile, aktif, dinamis, dan disitu gue cuman leyeh2, ngelamun, nonton tv, main2. Kedua, gue ga betah di-eremin begitu, ngobrol aja jarang. Tapi, walaupun gue diperlakuin bgitu, kok kayaknya disitu gue pasrah banget ya?? dan bangun2 di tngah malem, gue kangen sama dia, si A itu...huhuhuhuh duh, mimpi yang aneh...

Kugy dan Perahu Kertas

2009-10-26T20:53:00.004Z

Tak kuasa diriku terbenam, dan tertohok dengan kehadiran sosok Kugy di dalam buku Perahu Kertas yang baru kubaca. Sebuah fase dalam hidupnya yang digambarkan dengan perubahan drastis dirinya karena cinta yang tak jelas itu lebih kurang mirip dengan apa yang pernah kualami. Membacanya, aku benar2 bisa merasakan kepedihan hatinya yang dalam. Sosok Kugy digambarkan menjalani proses metamorfosis dari sosok yang extrovert menjadi introvert karena kehilangan sosok Keenan. Lebih tepatnya merasa kehilangan sosok Keenan sebagai sahabat, dan juga lebih dari itu.

Sebelum hatiku porak poranda, aku adalah pribadi yang bisa dibilang..menyenangkan. Riang, kocak, penuh celotehan dan celetukan ringan yang bisa membuat orang2 di sekelilingku terkekeh garing, atau minimal mesam mesem ga keruan. Namun saat hatiku porak poranda, aku berubah. Persis seperti Kugy saat hatinya hancur. Kontan aku berubah jadi pribadi yang aneh. Aku kabur ke Bandung dengan maksud menenangkan diri. Sahabat2 yang menemaniku berjalan2 sepanjang hari2ku di sana pun berulang kali bertanya "lo knapa sih? sumpah ini nggak elo banget" atau "asli ini bukan Ayu yang gue kenal". Aku pun sesungguhnya bertanya2 kenapa aku begini. Murung, sering melamun, paling banter pura2 seneng yang cuman kedok atas kesedihanku. Aku kehilangan semangat, hidup hampir ga ada artinya kalo nggak karena kekuatan dari sahabat2. Hari2 kelabu, ga bergairah. Deadline dan kerjaan dikerjakan serius, semata2 untuk mengalihkan perhatian. Transformasi ini bertahan hingga suatu saat, aku memutuskan untuk pergi jauh. Hidup ini adalah pilihan. Kalau aku tinggal, aku tak tahu sampai kapan aku akan terus seperti ini. Sama seperti Kugy yang akhirnya menyibukkan diri, atau Keenan yang minggat ke Bali. Aku pun minggat. Ga pake da de do, ga pake banyak perhitungan, sebagian besar adalah faktor nekat, aku pun pergi meninggalkan negeri, teman2, sahabat2, dan keluarga. Memulai babak baru kehidupan, di belahan dunia yang lain. Kedoknya lebih dahsyat, mengukuhkan pendidikan. Sebagian kecil orang saja yang paham motif sesungguhnya di balik semua itu. Alhamdulillah pada akhirnya aku berhasil kembali ke wujud asalku yang dulu setelah melalui berbagai proses, termasuk sesungukan di jendela kamar mengenang segala yang pernah dilalui. Aku butuh momen itu, setidaknya itulah titik balikku untuk menyadari bahwa ada kalanya 'melepas' bukan berarti kalah dan kata hati tak pernah berbohong.

Mudah2an suatu saat seseorang itu bisa memahami bahwa aku pernah memiliki keteguhan hati atas aku, kamu, dan kita sehingga pada saat itu goyah...sebagian hatiku luruh... Ya..segitu berartinya kamu buat aku saat itu. Sebagai sahabat, kakak, teman berbagi, dan sosok spesial.

Perahu Kertas is a highly recommended book to read..four thumbs up for dee..

organt transplant

2009-10-26T12:11:00.002Z

Udah lama gue nggak nonton Grey's Anatomy dan baru pas sampe disini aja gue mulai nonton lagi. Teteup masih doyan dengan segala keseruan di rumah sakitnya itu. Anyway di sebuah episode, Meredith ada di posisi yang paling eligible buat jadi liver donor buat bokapnya yang notabene ga pernah dia anggep, secara dulu bokapnya ngasih kenangan bukuk buat Meredith. In the end she did it, tapi bukan karena itu bokapnya, tapi karena adiknya yang minta.

Menghubungkan dengan apa yang hidup gue, if the same thing happens to my father, I have no clue what to do. Will I want to give him my liver? I don't have that sort of emotional connection with him. All I know is that he is my bological father, but he was never around. When he did, we have zero understading after all. It is like being with a stranger. I know its harsh, and sorry that truth hurts. So yes..I have no idea what to do if he ever need a transplant and I am the eligible donor. I might need some time to carefully think about it, and find a good enough reason(s) to be the donor.

But if the same thing happens to my mum, I am the first on the line. Too bad I don't have the same blood type as she is so it s a no. Oh yeah, I don't have the same blood type as my father as well!!! there is a very sall possibilities to have Meredith's case hapens in me.

Caffeine Pills 2

2009-10-21T06:37:00.001+01:00

responding to the caffeine pills...I think its illegal in Indonesia :D :D katanya anak2 siiih..hehehe

caffeinne pills

2009-09-06T01:18:00.001+01:00

gue baru tau ada yang namanya pil kafein. Edian mantep abis!! KAlo kepepet begadang, juara deh nih pil buat jadi doping. Sial, gue baru tau sekarang. Kalo taunya dari kmaren2, pasti gue udah nyetok deh tuh!! hihihih...

flat..

2009-09-02T01:27:00.002+01:00

Beberapa waktu lalu, hubungan kembali terjalin kembali antara gue dan si kampret itu. Cerita punya cerita, ternyata dia udah bubaran ama ceweknya, which means, gajadi kawin. Kalo ngeliat gelagatnya, dia pengen balik ama gue. Sepertinya kalo perasaan gue masih sama, pastinya gue akan menyambut. Yang aneh adalah, setelah gue tau dia putus, daya tariknya jadi hilang. Well, probably because I can proof that I finally win. But at some reason, I don't see the future in our relationshit. Sepertinya gue keras menentang rencana Tuhan kalo bilang ga mungkin, so let me put it this way. Gue ngebuka kesempatan buat siapa pun yang punya niat baik buat mengenal gue lebih jauh. But especially for him, I believe there are too many chances I have given that he just let it slipped away. Too many that I lost count. Too many that I had zero inventory. This time, he has to earned it. He has to fix it. And if he doesn't, I'm not the one who lost.

Wait....on a second thought, this feeling is probably not love, melainkan keinginan untuk memiliki. Kebutuhan untuk mengkonfirmasi kalo dia emang masih berada di bawah bayang2 gue. Dan setelah itu terkonfirmasi, I don't see the point of hangging around anymore. Gue gak lagi ngerasa kehilangan atas ketidak hadirannya di dalam kehidupan gue, juga nggak punya keinginan buat menghubungi atau cari tau keadaannya. Gue bener2 cuek, ampe bebek aja kalah cuek. Keributan ringan yang berujung dengan dia ngapus PIN bbm gue juga ga gue tanggepin dengan sakit hati atau berlarut2. Gue malah cuman ketawa ketiwi cengengesan tanpa berniat buat memperbaiki keributan itu.

Hell yeah, I'm not going to be the one who fixed it. He has to manage himself. Earn his respect by pushing himself to the very limit. I have no room for a lazy man who always wants things to be done instantly. Realizing that my expectations towards him (or any other man who wants to be around) is quite high, it means I expect him to change drastically. It also means that...I don't take him the way he is now...or in a bit sarcastic words, I sahll say that he's not the one that I want...

Oh dear, I do have a wicked bitch side after all...

cultural trap

2009-09-02T01:01:00.002+01:00

HAri ini gue abisin di kampus buat nulis disertasi yang deadline-nya seminggu lagi. Ga keruan rasanya, blom lagi tragedi ama supervisor yang di satu sisi bikin gue drop, tapi di sisi lain bikin semangt. Anyway, tadi di library temen gue dapet ajakan makan malem, dimana dia ngajak gue ikutan. Well, why not kan?? Rejeki ga boleh ditolak cing...

Abis gue+tmen gue dijemput dan sembari nungguin pizza, salah seorang dari kita berlima di mobil Aki ditelpon ama bokapnya. Buat background, si Brinda ini orang India yang tinggal di Dubai. Setelah kuliah kelar, bokapnya stengah mati ngebujuk dan memaksa dia buat balik ke Dubai supaya bisa cari jodoh. Yes...JODOH. Bukan sekedar angan2 doang urusan perjodohan ini, tapi bokapnya emang bener2 niat nyariin dia jodoh yang seiman, sesuku, se kasta, dan sederajat. Bahkan bokapnya bikin webpage di sebuah website perjodohan serius untuk orang2 se-suku daerahnya itu, dan udah menemukan calon yang tepat. Tepat disini maksudnya karna bokapnya udah cocok sama bokapnya si calon suami dan si calon suami memenuhi kriteria yang ditulis di website itu.

Nah, sementara di satu sisi, Brinda ini bner2 ogah banget buat mikirin kawin. Menurut dia, dia merasa dia masih muda, banyak kesempatan yang terbuka, yang gabisa dia dapetin kalo dia ujung2nya balik buat dikawinin. Dia pengen banget ngerasain idup mandiri, lepas dari tata krama kolot ala keluarganya itu. Dia ngerasa kayak selama ini dia ada di genggaman bokapnya, dan sekarang kalo dia kawin, dia akan jatuh ke genggaman seorang pria. Dari genggaman ke genggaman, kapan waktu buat diri sendirinya?? Di sisi lain, gimanapun juga dia gabisa ngelawan arus keluarga. Urusan adat terlalu 'penting' buat ditentang. Kalau dia ampe membangkang, urusannya bisa ampe dibuang ama keluarga dan ga diakuin lagi. Jadi sebenernya nasib si Brinda ujung2nya tetep aja "ikut apa kata bokap, menomer satukan keluarga" at all cost.

Ngeliat si Brinda ini ngebuat gue jadi prihatin, ni anak pikirannya pasti galau banget. Dia cewek mandiri yang berpikiran maju, disekolahin di universitas bagus, dengan prestasi yang juga memuaskan. Sayang kalo talenta dan potensi yang ada hanya berakhir di pelaminan. Alias, ga balik modal. Kalo sekolah cuman atribut doang, musti ke Jakarta dia, buat beli ijazah, dan semua beres. Sebenernya Brinda pun nggak menolak buat kawin, asalkan: (1) dia dikasih kesempatan buat berdiri sendiri; (2) dia nemuin sendiri si CPP nya. I am totally agree when she said :

"it doesn't matter if he's qualified with the criteria or not, I just wanna make sure that I ended up with someone who can take care of me. And studying through a webpage would never guarantee such quality"

Responding to reason number (1), I think she is a young girl about to conquer the world, yet her free spirit is trapped in her own culture. Gimanapun dia mencoba lari, tetep ga akan bisa keluar dari pagar2 baja yang dibangun kokoh ama bokapnya. What's the point achieving Master degree then if culture still holding her back?.. I wish she could have the freedom I always have, I am sure she'll be a good one :)

No matter what happens, I hope she has the ability to nurture the spirit, maybe transform it in a different way, because whenever there's a threat, there lies oppotunities...It all depends on your point of view..

balik deui iyeuh mah...

2009-07-30T21:13:00.002+01:00

setelah gue berusaha membuat lagu2 di blogspot ini, gue tertarik ama sebuah lagu yang walaupun ini tembang udah jadul berat, namun sangat tepat sasaran menggambarkan peristiwa yang acap kali terjadi di dalam hidup gue...ediaaaannn....

nih lyric-nya gue post di bawah...emng bener kok, tiap2 si kamfret itu hadeeiirrr...it's all coming back to me..still struggling kok gue..hopefully I'll be as good as new by January...

Its All Coming Back To Me Now

there were nights when the wind was so cold,
that my body froze in bed if i just listened to it right outside the window...

there were days when the sun was so cruel,
that all my tears turned to dust and i just knew my eyes were drying up forever...

i finished crying in the instant that you left,
and i cant remember where or when or how,
and i banished every memory you and i had ever made...

but when you touch me like this
touch me like this
and you hold me like that
hold me like that
its so hard to believe but its all coming back to me now
its all coming back, its all coming back to me now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light,
there nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allowed
maybe baby
if i kiss you like this
kiss you like this
and if you whisper like that
whisper like that
it was lost long ago but its all coming back to me
if you want me like this
if you want me like this
and if you need me like that
if you need me like that
it was dead long ago but its all coming back to me
its so hard to resist and its all coming back to me
i can barely recall but its all coming back to me now

but you were history with the slamming of the door
and i made myself so strong again some how...
and i never wasted any of my time on you since then...

but if i touch you like this
touch you like this
and if you kiss me like that
kiss me like that
it was gone like the wind but its all coming back to me now
its all coming back, its all coming back to me now
there were moments of gold and there were flashes of light
there were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allowed
maybe baby baby
when you touch me like this
when you touch me like this
and when you hold me like that
hold me like that
it was gone like the wind but its all coming back to me
when you see me like this
see you like this
when i see you like that
see me like that
then we see what we want to see
all coming back to me
the flash and the fantasies all coming back to me
i can barely recall but its all coming back to me now

if you forgive me all this
forgive me all this
and if i forgive you all that
forgive you all that
we forgive and forget and its all coming back to me now
all coming back to me now
we forgive and forget and its all coming back to me now...

ancuuurrr gue bangeeeeettt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*garuk2 meja*

sunday morning..

2009-07-26T09:34:00.001+01:00

its raining, no wonder tidur gue enak buanget...

okaiy, waktunya kerja :) siap2 dulu yak...

distance learning

2009-07-26T09:24:00.004+01:00

eh eh..masa' dong gue kmaren gara2 minta mentahan adobe dan nanya2 lensa gitu ama Oky *anak Indo disini yang mo ambil undergrad dan doyan fotografi* dia ngajarin gue motret manual mode..lewat YM call aja gituuu!!!....gile ye, kecanggihan teknologi emanggg....canggih!!!!!! hehehehhehe ternyata make manual mode ga seribet yang gue pikir :D jadi senang...

kocaknya, kamera gue ama dia beda :p tapi dia berhasil loh ngajarin gue..dan dia kesel, soalnya gue bisa pake smua lensa canon, sementara dia kepatok di jenis2 lensa tertentu....hahaha I suppose lucky me. Dan setelah gue ngebandingin harga gitu, ternyata harga lensa di jakarta lebi murah. 50mm ajah di jakarta dapet 800-an, smentara kalo gue browse online, bisa ampe 2 juta-an gitu...hiksssss jauh syekali ya bedanya....jadi pengen pulang... *loh, kok jumping conclusion?!?!*

sekarang tinggal nunggu waktu buat keluar & coba2..... :D :D

weits...bisa nyanyi2 niy sekarang....

2009-07-25T01:50:00.004+01:00

hahah gara2 iseng gue ngoprek2in blog-nya well...errrr kponakan sih...tapi gue ga segitu jauh loh bedanya!!! (defense) yang ternyata seru juga ;p terus gue sirik gara2 di blog-nya dia ada lagunya...hahahhaahha...gue koprak koprek ampe ni disertasi yang tadinya mo gue beresin GAGAL berubah dari bentuk asli dan sukses dikacangin bgitu aja..

nahhh tadinya tu gue ga pake si ninja inih...gue pake bentuk kaset..udah cakep2 pake ada ornamen2nya, dan apa yang terjadi sodara2?!?!?!? kegedean aja gituuuhhhh!!! jadi cuman muncul stengah kaset dan kliatan banget kalo maksa..ugh, jadi jelek deh...dan akhirnya gue ganti aja skin-nya..dengan yang lebih ramping...tinggi boleh, tapi ga boleh gendut...dan akhirnya gue nemuin si ninja imut ini...

Setelah gue liat2 yah, si ninja yang mejeng di samping ini, kok mirip Oci ya?...tau kan, temen gue yang gampang disulut, kalo ngomel2 udah kayak kartun jepang gitu...hahahhahaha Gilda bisa cekikikan nih, saking cinta-nya gue ama Oci, ampe di blog gue terpampang mahluk yang mirip Oci...wakakakakak...

dah ah, ,mo tidur dulu, besok kerja lagi, naik kreta pagi ;p
selamat mendengarkan yaaakk!!!!

english weather is a total crap.

2009-07-24T17:46:00.002+01:00

our picnic agenda today is 89% cancelled due to ENGLISH WEATHER..
rainy till 4pm .. then the sun begin to shine...slowly...
with a li'l bit gloomy sky...

CRAP!!!!

unexpected (yet always long for) visit

2009-07-24T13:02:00.003+01:00

I can't believe in a moment my best friend will be coming here to see me. I missed her so so much. She may not be the one who always on your side, but she kept my feet on the ground everytime. Another perspective that I need in my life. I am a dreamer, sometimes she 'poof' my dream and led me back to the reality, get back on my feet, and work out on making the dream come true. She's one of a kind.

I can not recall how many times we found ourself in coffee cups. Alhough she doesn't smoke, she managed to stay with me..hehehehe thanks dear. I can't wait to have her here, I even asked my supervisor's permission for having a week off just to meet her and take her around town. I knew how English weather can be devastating...with few sunlight and plenty of rains..but hell I want her to experience every single details here. The shitty weather, the old fashioned yet modern living, and many other things.

I must say, I can't wait for another two weeks...but first, I have to keep up with my dissertation deadline. I need that badly... :)

my dear, pack your bags, get your a** on the plane, andbe here soon!!!! me miss you!!!!!

the catwalk called life.

2009-07-16T13:23:00.007+01:00

pas waktu itu lagi suntuk, gue jalan ke luar rumah. It's good to be out loh ternyata, despite cuaca disini yang ga menentu ituh...kayaknya waktu itu udah lama gue nggak keluar, jadi gue berasa energized buat ke luar rumah. Refreshing...

Lagi jalan kaki nungguin lampu merah, gue mendadak inget ke masa lalu, yang ga lalu2 amat itu..tentang perjalanan gue kesini. Perjalanan yang sesungguhnya adalah untuk menemukan jati diri gue yang ilang, sekaligus meramu perkiraan masa depan gue. It took me quite a while to realize that I've grown in so many ways during this year. Singkat kata, gue merasa mulai menemukan jati diri gue. Those missing puzzles were finally found. And yet, some I'm missing some other pieces, that was already there...

Gue dulu pergi karna dengan terpaksa gue harus mengubur sebuah mimpi, sambil mewujudkan mimpi yang lain. You lose some, you gain some. Ini seperti kalo lo blajar statistik, atau operation research, namanya Game Theory. Maximum gain, in minimum condition. Di sini gue seperti ngebuka lembaran baru. Start all over again, even ampe lifestyle. Gue nggak lagi urakan kayak dulu yang begajulan. Disini gue ngerasa lebih punya kendali ama hidup gue. And to be honest, I like it. I do miss some things, but that's alright.

Sepertinya semua perilaku orang yang sempet membuat gue kecewa taun lalu itu, sedikit2 tapi pasti mulai bisa di tolerir. I'm not saying that they're right, till the universe fall apart, they remain with intolerable mistakes. Thus, sometimes the best thing is to just let it go. After all, the best part is when I kinda found my way to forgive myself; the most essential part of self healing. I suppose I'm lucky enough to be able to detox myself here. Somewhere new, remote, and unreachable.

I spent more 'me time' here than I was in Jakarta. I like that 'me time', you know...reflecting on yourself, do whatever you want to do, relax, chill, read some books..quality time with myself. The intense 'me time' is also one among other things that made my self healing went well.

Theres this old saying "time heals, you just have to give time...a time" and it did happen in me. I gave time a time...to reconcile with the past...how it works, God does make the impossible became possible, in a wonderful way...And by the time I'm back to hometown, I will be able to have my chin up and walk gracefuly in the catwalk called...life....

let go all the burdens..and fly as high as you can..

perempuan pendamping

2009-07-01T03:45:00.003+01:00

Bayangin tiga pasangan ini:
1. Barrack and Michelle Obama
2. Bill and Hillary Clinton
3. Pak Harto and Ibu Tien
4. SBY and Bu Ani
5. Wiranto dan Isteri

liat nggak bedanya dimana?...

Okeiy, ini sebenernya hanya sedikit pemikiran gue yang timbul lagi2 setelah nonton Kick Andy edisi JK-WIN. Tapi kali ini gue ga akan bahas JK-WIN, melainkan nyonyah2nya. Menurut gue ya, kok politisi kita yang laki2, ga ada yang istrinya setara skill atau edukasi-nya. Kalo temen gue si Ida bilang, ibarat persamaan matematika, cewek-nya ga boleh 'lebih besar sama dengan'. Maksudnya, posisi isteri secara apapun harus di bawah si bapak pejabat. Ini keliatan banget pada saat mereka ikutan naik panggung menjawab pertanyaan. Ga kliatan jawaban ringan lugas tapi berbobot seperti caranya Sri Mulyani atau Siti Fadillah menjawab pertanyaan. Rata2 cuman mesam mesem ga berani ngomong banyak. Jangan2 sih emang disuruh gaboleh banyak omong ama suaminya heheheh.. Anyway, keliatan banget kalo mereka ga se pede suaminya dalam berbicara. To be honest, they look dumb. Kayak hiasan doang, biar si bapak keliatan lengkap.

Ngomongin imej, kalo nggak salah ada agensi yang memang bertugas untuk ngebangun imej si politisi2 bukan? Yang gue pertanyakan, emang imej isteri-nya itu nggak masuk itungan ya? Kalo ntar jadi first lady sih pasti lah ya, tapi kalo lagi kampanye2 gini, apa nggak masuk itungan? Gue ga ngerti apakah ini masalah budaya kita yang selalu ingin laki2 nomer satu, sehingga mereka ingin nampak dominan? Asumsikan kalo kondisi budaya masih memperlihatkan dominasi pria. Tapi ya isteri-nya ya jangan ampe keliatan timpang banget dong bok. Jangan cuman dibalutin baju bagus tapi otaknya dong dong dong *ketok2 kepala 3 kali*... Lagian, emang tu isteri2nya ga pada ngerasa butuh buat nambah ilmu apa yak seiring dengan naiknya jabatan sang suami? Apa masih pada bergelut ama Dharmawanita dan arisan aja?...

Gue mengidamkan banget loh pasangan politisi yang pasangannya bisa kayak Michelle Obama atau Hillary Clinton yang bisa ngimbangin performa suaminya di kancah politik. Mereka cantik, mereka well educated, bahkan mereka pernah punya posisi di atas suaminya. Bahkan Hillary bisa berduet di karir politik sama suaminya. Pada saat mereka diwawancara, mereka bisa memberi value added terhadap performa suaminya. Seneng ga sih lo kalo liat politisi laki2 yang cerdas, terus pas lo liat isteri-nya di wawancara (pasti lah ya kecipratan walau ga seheboh suaminya), ternyata tu isteri keliatan cerdas..mantep banget kan. Secara otomatis lo makin yakin kalo ni orang berkualitas. Ga sekedar nampang biar dapet jabatan. Ibu2 pejabat itu kayaknya harus diperhatikan deh, biar ga bikin malu suaminya.

Kalo pada saat pemilihan Barrack Obama-Hillary Clinton kmaren masyarakatnya bingung karna dua2nya punya keunggulan kompetitif masing2; nah kalo kita, kayaknya ujung2nya milih kandidat yang nilai mines-nya paling dikit...

If only we have a damn smart first lady...that would be a brilliant period ;p

mungkin gue ada hubungan ama Einstein?..

2009-06-28T02:26:00.002+01:00

Dari dulu, gue selalu kagum sama orang2 yang bisa menerangkan sesuatu hal yang sulit ke dalam bahasa yang gampang. Kalo gue, Tita, dan Rini sih bilangnya 'pake bahasa bayi'. Soalnya orang yang bisa nerangin hal yang susah dalam bahasa gampang itu berarti dia ngerti banget ama apa yang dia omongin. Ternyata Einstein punya pemikiran yang ga jauh beda sama gue..hihihihi

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough - Albert Einstein

pemilu 2009.

2009-06-09T21:29:00.005+01:00

Sebentar lagi udah pemilu (lagi....), padahal kayaknya baru kmaren gue ongkang2 kaki di rumah Tita ngomongin pemilu 2004, mau pilih siapa, dlsb. Dan secara gue ada di UK, gue berusaha buat ngenal siapakah calon pemimpin bangsa. Believe it or not, gue ngerasa nasionalisme gue tumbuh malah pada saat gue ga di dalemnya. Mungkin ya, pada saat lo di luar, perpektifnya menjadi beda. Anyway, profil 3 pasangan kandidat gue kubek2 dari youtube ampe google. Kalau boleh jujur, gue kok masih sreg sama SBY-JK ya?...menurut gue mereka tu ibarat two face yang balance sisi2nya. SBY terkenal hati2 buat ambil kputusan, sementara JK terkenal sangat aktif buat ambil beberapa keputusan. Gue rasa basic SBY yang militer dan JK yang pengusaha mau ga mau tetep berpengaruh dalam bagaimana cara mereka mengatur negeri ini. SBY hati2 banget buat ambil kputusan, karena nggak mau serampangan seperti predecessor-nya. Bisa jadi JK sengaja dijadikan eksekutornya, tapi segala keputusan toh awal2nya juga melalui serangkaian proses ampe itu keputusan disahkan untuk dilaksanakan.

Yang gue gasuka, adalah justru knapa gara2 pemilu ini, pada ngejatohin? Menurut gue mah saingan aja yang sehat, ngadu jago2an. Fair2an. Ga usah pake bikin gosip la la la. Then again, politik kan emang bgitu mainannya. Sebel ga sebel, suka nggak suka, begitu kenyataannya. Tapi gue pnasaran deh, kan JK sibuk buat promosi yak, apa hubungan kerja-nya ama SBY tetep harmonis ya? kepengaruh ga ya ama aktivitas2 lain dalam rangka pemilu ini? Kocak ga sih kalo lo ngebayangin mereka rebutan ngambil hati rakyat dengan slogan yang jelas beda, tapi dalam situasi lain, mereka harus ada di satu kapal yang sama...eng ing eeeenggg....

Terakhir minggu lalu gue nonton dialog Andy Noya dengan JK-WIN via youtube (lewat apalagi?...bagus kan gue masih update..). Sampe pertengahan gue cukup senang dengan komentar dan jawabannya yang lugas..sampe tiba2 mereka mulai mengeluarkan jawaban2 yang menjatuhkan saingannya. Disitu gue kembali keilangan respek terhadap mereka. WTH with you guys, fighting over something important with an unimportant ways. Kata2nya emang sok diplomatis, tapi itu siratan yang tersurat banget.

Gue perlu waktu banget buat memikirkan siapakah yang layak memimpin bangsa ini selama 5 taun kdepan...kalo ampe salah pilih, segala usaha yang udah ditempuh sejak reformasi ampe sekarang, bisa ancur berantakan. Gue percaya kalo ngebenerin kesalahan2 sebuah bangsa yang udah dipegang 32 taun ama orang yang sama nggak akan bisa hanya dalam 5 taun. Setiap kandidat yang memberikan kontribusi yang signifikan menurut gue layak buat dikasih kesempatan setidaknya sekali lagi. Masyarakatnya kadang juga o'on, ngarep hanya dalam 5 taun, semuanya bisa membaik. Ya nggak bisa gitu laaahhh..toh hasil2 masa lalu yang sekarang dijelek2in itu juga mereka nikmatin juga. Be li'l bit wiser on judging things. Kalo mau result oriented, yang kira2 juga, liat deh programnya ama targetnya. Huh, esmosi deh gue kalo nanggepin pendapat2 miring ga berdasar beginih...

When I finally made up my mind on who to choose, the next problem arrives.. SURAT SUARA GUE MANA YAAAKKKK!?!?!! GA NYAMPE2 DAH!!!!! padahal temen2 gue yang laen udah sampe tuh surat suaranya. Gile, gue siriknya bukan maen (ya Allah maafkanlah hambamu ini, tapi beneran aku sirik banget ama temen2 yang surat suaranya udah di tangan dan tinggal dikirim..asliiiii....niatku kan baek, mau ngebangun bangsa dan negara..hiks..) Jangan ampe gue ga milih gara2 salah alamat..gue udah semangat banget nih!!...kalo disuruh ngambil ke kantor pos gue rela se rela2nya deh...beneran...pengen banget nyontreng (hehehe kan udah bukan nyoblos lagi yak sekarang..hehehe)..

Yah, scara ga ada yang bisa gue lakuin selaen ngimel PPLN UK yang ga dibales2 juga, sabar aja deh gue sekarang mudah2an tu surat suara nggak nyasar, which is harusnya sih nggak secara yang dprd kmaren bisa nyampe dengan suksesnya...pokoknya kalo nggak sampe, salah PPLN UK, bukan salah gue yaakk...

Harapan gue ama Indonesia sesungguhnya cukup besar. Walau banyak yang pesimis ngeliat bangsa, gue malah optimis. Gue percaya bangsa kita ini besar dan potensial. Satu2nya yang menghambat adalah sistemnya yang bobrok. Banyak orang selalu bilang "sayang ay, udah di luar gamau kerja di luar aja?" alesan knapa gue menolak ide ini salah satunya adalah karna gue ngerasa lebih baik gue ngebangun bangsa gue (baca: gedein GDP Indonesia) daripada gedein bangsa laen. Kalaupun gue kerja di luar, it won't be forever. Orang bilang ini idealisme, well..bebas2 aja kok berpendapat, yang jelas kalo gue ngeliatnya ini namanya cinta tanah air. I want to build my country, probably in a small way, but definetely in my own way..

g'nite y'all...have a li'l thought bout your country wont hurts ;p

how I want to educate my children

2009-06-09T18:31:00.003+01:00

I've read about how Jew's are born smart in local newspaper. I think most of it are correct and make sense. Therefore, I would like to sum up the activities I should be having since I'm carrying the baby...untill he/she is born...Basically, the activities that mothers did is to stimulate the baby's brain to max their growth. I believe it does works, because when my mum carrying my brother, she likes puzzles, cubes, and crosswords. What happens is, my brother is the smart one in the family. However, when she's carrying me, she loves shopping, and fashion. And guess what?!?!?!? it's me!!!...huhuhuhuhu..make sense...

If Ucil finds out about this writing, I'm sure she'll pissed off and call me freaky planed girl...hahahahahah!!!!!! can't help it Cil...can't help it!!! you know me....

On pregnancy
1. Eat fruits and veggie first, than karb+protein
2. Eat fish! a lot of fish! (yesss more reason to eat sushiiii!!!!!!)
3. Never combine red meat with fish...
4. Study maths! (hmm...sudoku?....cards?...hehehhe its math, right?...)
5. Listen to classical musics...

Raising the child
1. MUST! learn how to play piano....its a must!!
2. MUST excel in sports...preferably archery or shooting (I am a Godmother!); it is said that this sports are aiming at the ability to fokus on things.
3. Photography..they have to love taking pictures..heheheh this is for me to learn what he/she is thinking....they might not be able to describe it in words, but pictures can tell more than thousands of words..
4. Make sure they're doing what they like...(except for musical instrument and sports..yes, I will be a very freakin pushy mother about this..); I want them to live life with all their heart...

there! done! what do you say? quite make sense right?...C'mon, let's follow their steps...its not a bad thing to do, its for our own good... :)

the law relative to justice.

2009-06-07T16:02:00.003+01:00

gue suka banget nonton film yang berbau sekolahan, kedokteran, dan pengadilan. today's highlight is on the cerita2 berbau pengadilan. Apa yang gue bilang disini sbenernya ga murni perkara pengadilan, tapi mungkin banget kejadian d bidang2 lain, yang gue yakin, di setiap wilayah jurisdiksi pasti ada. Of course kalo ngomongin kbutuhan hidup, dan income, sebagai manusia, ga bakal ada puasnya. The sky is the limit. Dasar gue, kalo nonton film, suka jadi kebawa2 sendiri...hahahha. Ini gara2 Raising the Bar!!

Jadi, yang gue sebel tuh, basically masalah attitude towards humanity and justice. Kan buat jadi pengacara, hakim, dll itu, kalian pada blajar capek2. Lulusnya juga ga segampang itu, pake liat junto, blom lagi kalo common law, yang berdasarkan pengalaman2 di masa lalu. Keringet yang dicucurin buat mengupas habis KUHP dan KUHAP nggak segelintir. Blom lagi tentang perdagangan...itu kan njelimet banget. And you've worked your ass to do so. Kalo ampe ngebela yang nggak bener, as in dia tau kliennya butut tapi tetep di bela, gue nggak ngehargain dia bukan karena dia butuh supaya dapur tetep ngebul, tapi gue nggak ngehargain dia karena buat gue itu merupakan penghinaan terhadap akademia. Which is, nggak ngehargain kerja keras yang dilakuin sendiri itu. Yaah gimana orang mau ngehargain lo kalo lo sendiri nggak ngehargain diri sendiri.

Sudut pandang gue boleh dibilang naive banget. Gue nggak mempertimbangkan variabel2 lain seperti kebutuhan hidup, tekanan, dll. But let's look at it this way. Wouldn't it against your heart to do such thing? Leaving the innocent man behind bars while you've unlocked the trouble maker? Is this what you've studied all those years, that justice eventually came after money? What a shame. What a shame. How the hell you could ever live your life doing something wrong? How could you look the innocent's eyes..do you have the guts to do that? Sorry to say, but you gotta be living a very pathetic life. What would you do if you're on their place? Or if it is your son? Would you stil be doing that practice?...You guys are devil on earth...

Emang kadang idealisme dan hati nurani bertentangan sama realita. Although the world is not black and white, and some of us may have to live on the grey area, my highest respect for those who are willing to take the extra efforts, extra phone calls, extra over time...to keep justice above money. A few good men who have the heart to defend the rights of the innocent, human rights...and I believe in that...

wish list.

2009-05-31T17:28:00.002+01:00

I often find myself being unproductive..like today.
instead of studying for my exam on Tuesday, I browse...and browse...and browse...
when I look at "The Royal Opera House" website...hmmm I remember that there are plenty of thing I want to do in my life...probably before I reache dthe age of 30...heheheh...
Before I lost count (which I believe I do...); I'd better share it first ;p

1. Around the world
heheh who doesn't want this? this has a long way to go...

2. Watch ballet performance in the Royal Opera House
I was studying ballet with RAD (Royal Academy of Dancing) based; I'd love to see those who studied it here perform in front of me; in their nest!! Where all the magical movement begins..Balanchine, Swan Lake, Romeo&Juliet...I have to see those!!!

3. Madamme Tussaud-London
They said this one is the biggest and the newest. Yes, I haven't got the chance, but I wil...I already make path with my best friend who'll be here this August. I'm so excited!! yeiiy!!!

4. Bull Fight - Madrid
heheheheh..matador...one day I will see you battling sophisticatedly...love the moves, love the crowd..Applause is the best thing on stage, isn't it?...

5. Walking down Indonesia's untouched beaches...
You might not realize how Indoneia has plenty of virgin beaches..I'm dying to explore them!! I still think we should have had the best manine biologist academy or faculty since we do have plenty of sites to studied with..

......
to be continued...I have to study!..hihihih

post MS

2009-05-25T22:42:00.003+01:00

ughhh..

I hate this post ms. When most of the girls having the moodswing disaster at the beginning of the period, I am having it at THE END. It's weird, because in away, you knew it is just hormones. But on the other side, you just can't control it. Maybe I should try meditation, to balance my psychological being as well as the physical..D'ugh....I feel weird...laughing and the next second I could possibly cried. I burst into tears for just a touchy moment that only last for a secon or two...hormones, what are you doing other than balancing yoursel?!?!?!? keep it balanced!!! NOW!!!!!!!....

Yoga anyone?...

GEN.Y

2009-05-25T16:20:00.003+01:00

gue lagi di tengah ngerjain tugas....(yesss I blog in between) yang menyinggung tentang Baby Boomers. Gue pengen make sure kalo mereka adalah generasi nyokap gue, supaya ngerjain tugasnya bisa lebih lancar. Anyway, sekalian ngecek si baby boomers ini, gue pengen tau, apa sih nama generasi gue??....dan ternyata gue ada di generation Y. Kalo baca wikipedia gue jadi peringas pringis sendiri, soalnya apa yang dibilangin tu bener banget.

Gen Y cenderung team player, it's not because gabisa in individual tasks, but they choose to be an individual player. Yup...that is so me!!!!
Gen Y tech savvy dan segala teknologi itu seperti kepanjangan dari dirinya yang selalu dibawa kmana mana. Lets say mobile, mp3 players are just to name a few...Yup...bener banget!! mana ada gen Y yang bisa lalu lalang dengan tenang tanpa bawa2 HP...kalo nggak bawa HP, udah kayak pergi gapake clana dalem....risih....
Gen Y jago multitasking. They talk, walk, text, IM-ing while doing other task. Hahahahah iye buangeeett!!!!!! contoh lain: nyetir, ngerokok, mikriin rute tercepat...hehehe
Gen Y suka ditantang, asalkan dikasih strukturnya. Yup...ini iya banget. we don't refuse hard tasks, as long as it is equally rewarded...but do give us the guidance....

see...that's our facts!!! hihihihih gue rasa orang HRD blajar bginian juga deh, supaya bisa memahami karakter umum calon pegawai...coz believe it or not, it is true...and there are research conducted to examine its existence...

dove campaign for real beauty.

2009-05-14T00:44:00.005+01:00

gue lagi di tengah 'keriaan' mengejar deadline secara masih ada 3 tugas lagi yang blom gue oprek2. tugas gue yang ebrikutnya line up to be submitted adalah tugas branding. Setiap anak diminta buat nulis tentang beberapa topik dengan contoh iklan/brand yang dicari sendiri.

Well, tell you what, it's not an easy thing to do to pick out a brand from the market. Apalagi buat gue yang kelamaan di dalam negeri (bukannya nggak bagus ya, tapi terus terang pas disini pada ngomongin merek ina ini itu, kamapanye brand ina ini itu, gue agak2 gelagapan). Jadilah gue gugling (my favorite tool of all) tentang si topik dan contoh2nya. Then I found DOVE's campaign for real beauty. Setelah gue plajari lebih jauh, I am actually touched. Pernah kebayang nggak, kalo 92% cewek nggak seneng sama badannya? Pernah mikir nggak kalo anak2 kecil yang mainannya barbie, mindset tentang cewek ideal adalah barbie? apalagi tentang tekanan media dan figur2 cewek ideal di catwalk? foto model yang nyatanya di touch-up?... semua pengaruh ini ngebeuat cewek2 ga ngerasa nyaman dengan keadaan tubuhnya sekarang. Well, too bad Indonesia nggak termasuk negara dimana mereka menjalankan kampanye ini. Mungkin Unilever di Indonesia nggak sekuat di region lain. I don't exactly know why.

Anyway, the purpose of the campaign is to make women all over he world feels good about themselves. Bahwa figurene2 itu boong doang, dan bukan dari situ ngeliat the real beauty. Setiap perempuan cantik. Setiap perempuan beda. Cantik nggak semata2 diukur lewat berat badan, tinggi badan, bentuk, dan ukuran XS. Bicara tentang laki2, mereka juga ngerasa hal yang sama. Abs, muscles, etc...semua jadi figur ideal yang padahal terkadang itu cuman dilukis. Coba, bayangin...DILUKIS!

Gila, kesian banget ga sih generasi cewek2 kalo selalu dibombardir sama tekanan media yang nggak bener gini. yang selalu ngedoktrin mana yang cantik, mana yang jelek, mana yang bagus, mana yang nggak. Ayo bantu ngerubah mindset mereka. Setiap perempuan itu cantik. Kalo buat generasi kita udah telat, do it for the next generation.

you weren't there

2009-05-10T00:46:00.003+01:00

Lucu deh, beberapa hari lalu gue ngobrol ama si kampret. Biasalah, kalo dia lagi down, dia kan paling nyaman cerita ke gue (gila yaa padahal gue udah sejauh apaan gini). This time, gue udah mulai bisa mengatur perasaan gue supaya nggak getting too carried away. Udah mulai bisa seperti sahabat aja. Walau tetep aja suka kesel kalo dia mulai ilang kayak ga ada apa2 setelah dirinya balik baik2 lagi. Anyway, there are few 'what if' conversation we had. Kalo kata sahabat gue si Aji, ini khayalan2 babu gitu, omong2 masa lalu atau masa depan yang tingkat kemungkinan untuk terealisasinya kurang dari 3%. Termasuk obrolan2 tentang masa lalu of why I'm letting everything go in the first place. Then I finally told him everything, all what hapens in me on the same time that influenced my decissions. During those series of unfortunate events, he weren't there when I need him the most. And that hurts. When you're alone against the world, not having someone to support you was horrible. Kayaknya dia agak kaget juga pas gue cerita, dan ngerasa bersalah (ya ampuuunnn kmana ajaaa...), dan mulai meratap2i lagi (d'oooohhh....). Hehehhe...jadi inget dulu Fina seneng dengerin Missy Higgins, dan salah satu judul lagunya "they weren't there". Udah denger blom? bagus deh...

Kadang gue dilematis sih, antara pengen ngelindungin diri sendiri dengan gamau berhubungan ama dia; ama gue kesian ama dia, soalnya gue tau dia bukan orang yang sekuat itu buat bisa berjuang. Dia selalu butuh orang buat nge-support dia. Sepertinya selama ini dia nggak disupport dengan baik, soalnya kalo dia dapet support yang memadai, ga mungkin dia ampe bela2in buat ngehubungin gue yang ada di belahan dunia lain...Well, anyway, despite segala kekecewaan gue sama dia, gue tetep pengen semua tentang dia akan baik2 aja. Keluarga, bisnis, cita2, semuanya..

langkah berikutnya.

2009-05-07T20:45:00.002+01:00

smester ini udah hampir selesai. setelah ujian, gue tinggal bikin disertasi. sepertinya udah waktunya untuk memikirkan langkah selanjutnya dalam hidup gue. what's next? gambaran besar udah gue punya. tapi semakin dekat waktunya, gue harus memikirkan secara detail. seperti, gue kelar kuliah mau disini aja atau pulang.

kalo gue disini, gue ga akan balik dulu ampe at least 6 bulan ke depan. dengan harapan gue berjuang buat dapet kerjaan. kalo dapet, who knows kapan gue bakal pulang. tapi kalo 6 bln ga dapet, gue harus balik. yang gue pertimbangin adalah umur. muncul sebuah opportunity cost dalam 6 bulan itu. gambling. gue bisa keilangan waktu dan biaya yang lumayan.

kalo gue balik, gue bisa cari kerjaan begitu balik. karena prediksi gue, ngeliat trend peluang kerja, banyak yang muncul di akhir tahun. jadi terus terang gue agak pede buat bisa dapet kerjaan dalam waktu 6 bulan itu. tapi, yaa value gue cuman cuman sebagai fresh graduate pg. ga ada pengalaman kerja. padahal gue bisa gebrak harga kalo gue punya pengalaman. i'm still not sure about this. satu lagi, kalo gue pulang, gue bisa memikirkan beberapa peluang usaha atau investasi yang bisa gue jalanin. sesuatu yang menurut gue penting buat gue lakuin sekarang dengan lebih serius lagi.

rasanya seperti ada di persimpangan jalan antara gue mau ke kiri atau ke kanan. ragu untuk melangkah. bimbang buat bergerak. dear God, help me to made up my mind. I really need all the guidance. give me signs to the best path I should choose.

berubah penampilan.

2009-04-29T22:51:00.003+01:00

sebagaimana yang temen2 gue kenal, gue bukan tipe orang yang seneng dengan penampilan yang itu2 aja. Bosen. Yeah, that explains why I don't like routines. Hehehehe.... This time, korban perubahan gue adalah rambut. Kayaknya rambut ini lagi sering jadi korban gue. Knapa rambut? soalnya eksperimen ama rambut itu seru. Dia akan tetep tumbuh, jadi kegagalan2 (gagal poong, gagal warna, etc..) itu bisa diatasii seiring berjalannya waktu. Kegagalannya ga akan permanen. Temen2 kuliah gue udah afal banget ama kebiasaan gue potong rambut, potong poni, gonta ganti warna, kadang jadi keriting, tiba2 penuh hiasan, etc.

Sebelom gue cabut, gue potong rambut puendek. Ada pendapat yang bilang potong rambut pendek itu efek patah hati. In my case sih kayaknya ada benernya. Gue waktu itu bener2 pengen buang sial. Selama gue disini, poni juga udah beberapa kali gue gunting sendiri. Kalo ini, kepatok biaya. Buat apa bayar mahal untuk sesuatu yang bisa gue lakuin sendiri kan? Dan sekarang yang paling anyar, gue ngecat rambut lagi. Heheheh.. Cat-nya sendiri udah gue beli minggu lalu, tapi gue ragu mau ngecat sekarang apa nunggu rambut panjangan dikit. Tapi malem ini, tiba2 mood gue dateng buat ngecat rambut. Jadilah gue ngecat. Gue gatau hasilnya bgimana, soalnya ampe saat ini, gue masih terduduk sambil nungguin warna cat-nya masuk ke setiap helai rambut. Dalam stengah jam lagi, harusnya warnanya udah masuk, dan bisa gue cuci. Mudah2an hasilnya bagus yaa....kalo nggak juga who cares sih, kecuali gue yang rugi beli cat-nya itu :(

Penasaran yah? sama...
killing time dulu aaahh sambil streaming Gen.FM....gile yeeeee uda lama aja gue ga dengerin ni radio....hihihihih

SIMPLE CARE foundation

2009-04-24T20:55:00.001+01:00

care enough to join us??...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SIMPLE CARE adalah foundation saya kecil2an yang bergerak dibidang kemanusiaan. Seperti CHR (Charity) pd perusahaan besar tp utk skala kecil bagi orang pribadi atau bisnis perorangan kecil2an secara konsisten dan continue.

Tujuan kegiatan ini adalah penggalang dana untuk bencana, tragedy, dan kegiatan kemanusiaan lainnya. Buttom line : disaat terjadi bencana kita sudah punya dana untuk langsung disalurkan saat itu jg dgn cepat, bukan disaat ada bencana baru kita mencari sumbangan.

Jumlah dana yang disumbangkan perbulannya ditentukan oleh pendonor sendiri.
Untuk orang pribadi : sumbangan berdasarkan gaji per bulan.
Untuk bisnis kecil : sumbangan berdasarkan 1 unit per 1 value.
Contoh:The bless cakes : setiap 1 kue yang terjual akan disumbangkan Rp.50,-. Maka akan diakumulasikan tiap bulannya brp pieces yg terjual dikali Rp.50,-.
Intinya, sumbangan bagi orang pribadi tersebut konsisten jumlahnya setiap bulannya dan bagi pebisnis konsisten dr hasil penjualannya.

Sistematiknya : bila anda sudah berniat menjadi partisipan,
1. Daftarkanlah diri kalian pada saya dengan data diri lengkap (alamat rmh, alamat usaha, telp lengkap) dgn mengontak saya kpn saja silahkan
2. Tentukan jumlah yang akan disumbangkan tiap bulannya scr konsisiten (diharapkan bisa konsisten jumlahnya setiap bulan setidaknya ada batas minimum yang ditentukan sendiri oleh pendonor).
3. Setelah bergabung, anda akan diberikan laporan bulanan account yg telah didonorkan ke SIMPLE CARE dan laporan disumbangkan kemana saja uang yang telah diberikan.
4. Bila anda merasa ingin memberikan lebih dr yg biasa diberikan tiap bulannya silahkan.
5.Transfer melalui Bank Mandiri via Leny Wahyuni- Simple Care

Sistematika penyaluran sumbangan:
* 50% dr dana yg terkumpul setiap bulannya akan di salurkan ke program yg tlh ditentukan (cth:program April utk pendirian rumah bacaan,pengobatan gratis di Mentawai shg SIMPLE CARE akan memberikan 50% dana yg terkumpul bulan April kesini)
* 50% sisa cadangan yang tersedia untuk bantuan sewaktu2 bila terjadi bencana, atau program dadakan untuk dibantu.

Kegiatan ini terinspirasi oleh Foundation milik Jet Lie. 1 yuan 1 hari. Uang yang terkumpul setiap hari tsb disimpan utk membantu kegiatan kemanusiaan yg terjadi mendadak sehingga bila ada sesuatu yang perlu dibantu, langsung dgn cepat dana yang telah dikumpulkan tiap hari bisa langsung disalurkan. Begitu juga dengan SIMPLE CARE, berusaha membantu sesama yg lbh membutuhkan setidaknya dilingkungan terdekat kita. Terkadang kita masih lupa untuk berbagi. Saya belum menjadi foundation besar seperti Palang Merah Indonesia atau Dompet Duafa dll yg langsung terjun dlm pencarian dan pendonoran scr langsung. Hanya saja saya berusaha menjadi koordinator teman2 saya dengan kepercayaan mereka untuk menyalurkan dana tersebut ke orang yang membutuhkan secara konsisten tiap bulan agar kepedulian kita tdk hanya sesaat tp berkelanjutan dan tidak terputus. Saya tidak melihat besarnya jumlah sumbangan, saya hanya ingin mengajak teman2 saya untuk berbagi dengan sesama saja. SIMPLE CARE : berikan kepedulian kita dgn sesama walau dengan cara semudah dan sesederhana mungkin. Insya Allah jalannya dimudahkan.

Program :
Maret 2009 : utk bencana Situ Gintung
April 2009 : pembangunan rumah bacaan masyarakat, pendidikan sain terbuka untuk anak2, pengobatan gratis warga sekitar di Pulau Siberut kepulauan Mentawai Sumatra.

Wanna participate?? Silahkan hubungi saya kapan saja : Leny Wahyuni 0818962481 / 99465560 or email me leny_wahyuni@yahoo.com or YM me @ leny_wahyuni@yahoo.com. Can't hardly wait for ur care... ^_^

the last option?

2009-04-24T16:22:00.006+01:00

tiba2 tadi malem si X telpon gue dan ngomong panjang lebar nanyain kapan gue pulang, apakah gue siap merit sama dia, bla bla bla. Tentu dalam keadaan stengah sadar...jelas gue nggak tanggepin, yang ada gue malah kaget ama obrolan berat yg tiba2 ini.

Pagi ini dia telpon lagi, buat minta maaf (yup, untuk ke seribu kali-nya) untuk kejadian semalem, dimana sejauh apapun gue, masih aja gue yang jadi tempat dia mengeluarkan isi hatinya (according to him, not me), dan dia mulai cerita tentang hidupnya sekarang. He said that he screwed up big time. His business, his family, his relationship, everything. His marriage got delayed because of her girlfriend's sister got married this year; meanwhile, his family just heard about this a week before their departure to the girl's hometown and felt being played by the girl's family; and his crew are not doing their job which ruins his cash flow and he had to sell his car because of that. For a grown up boy like him, that's already too much.

So there he is, last night, saying all those stupid things we both knew wouldn't happen, just to fill up the slot at his planned marriage. Damn, did he think I'm his last option? I'm the engineer who has the ability to fix everything in his life? Yeah, it happens almost everytime. Talk to me and voila! He'll knew what to do next, and everything will be alright. But marriage??....Didn't he remember the day I had enough of him? The day I said no? The day I called to say I'm leaving that day? And most of all, days when I answered "I don't know" to every when I'll be coming back home question?...I'm not going to be the engineer this time, I'm not going to fix his life, especially by becoming his available last option! Although I am available, I am not the girl to fill the slot. I am not somebody's last option. I'm the first option...

My dear boy, like what Serena Van Der Woodsen said to Nate Archibald on the early episode of Gossip girl when she got back to town after her 1 year dissappearance:

"I didn't come back for you..."

Serena Van Der Woodsen

in the end.

2009-04-23T17:21:00.005+01:00

out of the blue, gue inget temen gue cerita tentang salah seorang yang merit sama seorang pendatang baru yang dipacarin 2 taun terakhir compared to her former 7 years of relationship boyfriend.

"Beruntung laki2 yang dapetin cewek yang udah berkali-kali disakiti hatinya.."

karena setelah disakitin berkali-kali, akhirnya si cewek itu memilih untuk pasrah dan terserah. Bukan dalam artian negatif, justru sebaliknya, dimana si cewek meningkatkan komprominya terhadap her significant others. Udah nggak nuntut banyak, nggak ngarep banyak, apa yang ada di depan ya udah dijalanin aja sebaik-baiknya.

It's quite nice actually.... I think at some point, I might be like that as well..

I'm baackk!!..

2009-04-23T11:59:00.002+01:00

I finally back in UK after the exhausting euro trip.

Full stories available in my multiply site, still in completion..
Please do check it out...

;p

pre departure

2009-04-03T18:31:00.003+01:00

akhirnya kelar juga urusan liburan ntar...
dari awal-akhir...banyak banget tarik napas panjang..bersabar..dan bersabar...
lucunya, udah mo brangkat gini,
kok perasaan gue nggak enak ya?....
gatau knapa....
apa karna kurang mateng persiapannya?
secara kejar tayang ginih...
tadinya padahal gue excited banget loh...
huhuhuhuhuhuhu....
aneh...

kepercayaan..

2009-03-28T22:49:00.024Z

sahabat gue ga berapa lama ini nulis di multiply-nya tentang trust (kepercayaan). Lucunya, abis baca ini, gue jadi kayak flashback gitu tentang beberapa hal dimana gue mendapatkan dan kehilangan kepercayaan.

(ngelamun sambil flashback dulu)...............

Buat gue, sahabat adalah sodara. Yaaa namanya juga sahabat, semakin lama pasti akan berasa seperti kaka, adik, sodara. Semua ga berenti sebatas sahabat aja. Ga buat cewek, ga buat cowok. Sahabat2 gue udah gue anggep jadi bagian dari diri gue. Gimana enggak, sedihnya gue...mereka yang berhasil bikin gue balik seneng. Senengnya gue...kita berbagi. Jatuh-nya gue...mereka yang membuat gue kuat buat berdiri dan jalan...bahkan melesat secepat kilat seperti busur panah...halahhh...hiperbol, hahahha anyway, you got the point kan. Sayangnya salah satu dari mereka yang gue anggep nggak bakal mungkin menikam, malah menikam dari belakang. Gue bener2 kecewa. Kehidupan pribadi gue dikoyak2. Padahal, dia butuh apa, gue bela2in bantu. Secara dia di Jakarta merantau, gue bebasin nyinggah di rumah kapanpun, ampe gue bikinin dobelan kunci rumah. Bahkan, kalo bisa dibilang, I even share my parents, coz I knew it's not easy being far from your parents. So I shared mine. My mum treated her as if she's her own daughter. Gatau apa yang terjadi sama dia, dia mengobrak abrik semuanya. Sampe kehidupan pribadi gue. Disinilah gue kehilangan kepercayaan gue ke dia. Walaupun akhirnya dia mengakui semuanya pastinya dia tengsin abis kegep pengakuan dosa, apapun yang dia bilang, buat gue cuman manis di bibir aja. Terserah lo mau bilang apaan, gue emang gabisa maafin dia begitu aja, dan mulai dengan clean slate kalo dia ga ada usahanya juga. Gabisa, pokoknya gabisa! Titik. Forgiven, but not forgotten. Bukan perkara dendam atau nggak. Ini bentuk proteksi diri gue atas pengalaman buruk. Sebelum gue mulai dengan clean slate which is kemungkinannya kecil, tapi bukan berarti ga mungkin; gue harus yakin kalo kejadian2 yang ga terduga macem begini ga akan keulang lagi. She has to learn her lesson(s). I'd prefer it in a hard way, like....for the rest of her life??....hehehehheehe I don't know how far I would go though...and don't care anyway...

Nah, nyambung nih....salah satu keidupan pribadi gue yang diobrak abrik itu adalah hubungan gue sama sesorang. Anyway, singkat cerita, karna hubungan gue ama ni orang juga pada saat itu menjadi tajam setajam silet , bubar jalan lah hubungan gue. Kalo dari orang2 yang di lingkungannya dia bilang sih, dia promosi ke orang2 kalo gue yang ter ter buat dial like it matters now? d'oooghhhhh!!!! yaa itu kan di mulut. The truth is, ngapain ngumbar2 ke orang2 tentang perasaan lo ke si X kalo lo aja nggak punya nyali buat nunjukin ke si X sejujurnya. Sering banget segala omongan manis itu gue tantang buat jadi realita. Hasilnya 98% nol besar. Hari ini ngomong A, besok ngomong B, lusa A lagi...minggu depan C..makan tu omdo! Dan semakin kesini, kepercayaan gue pun semakin meluruh dalam jumlah yang semakin besar. Mirip2 kayak snowball effect...yyuuukkk. Ini kan kayak lo dikasih sayap "nih pake deh sayapnya buat terbang.." terus pas lo terbang tiba2 lo di lempar pake lembing trus sayap lo robek, pelan2 lo jatoh nyusruk kayak pesawat2 maskapai lokal yang maintenance-nya ga beres..kadang lo nemuin bangke-nya (baca: jati diri), kadang nggak. Kan mending ga usah dikasi sayap...mending biar butut, gue pake sayap bikinan gue sendiri. Kapasitasnya gue tau ampe mana.

Terus hubungan ama orangtua gue juga jadi nggak bener. Gue jadi semi bekstrit padahal ya aolliiii tadinya bener2 baek2 aja. Gara2 si comel satu itu aja kebanyakan tingkah kayak tessi srimulat makanya jadi pada ga percaya. Ya emang siii ni laki bukan dari bebet bibit bobot sempurna. Track recordnya juga ga bagus2 amat. Tapi gue selalu berpendapat orang itu ga mungkin 100% baik atau 100% ngaco. Pasti ada sisi lainnya. Nah, gue dan dia ini lagi berusaha membenahi diri. Dia juga tau dia nggak baik dan minder bareng gue. Mungkin emang dari sananya gue kerjaannya jadi mekanik mulu...eh, engineer deh biar keren. Ngelurusin idup orang, abis itu capcus kaga bareng gue *embeerrrr...ngehek banget*. Kalo gue ama sahabat gue bilangnya "bolak balik ngerubah bahan mentah jadi barang jadi yang bagus, abis itu diambil orang...alias bukan kita yang nikmatin hasta karyanya". Ngenesin sih...tapi ya gitu deh. Intinya, gue ga suka aja ama suasana rumah yang jadi jelek, dan asli gue tu sebelom kjadian laknat ini deket banget ama nyokap. Makanya gue kesiksa banget dengan kondisi yang ngehek banget kampret setan kayak gini (heeee...mulai sumpah serapah-nya kumat). Untung setelah gue ngobrol hati ke hati (bookk inget acara perjodohan jaman dulu ga sih di RCTI...judulnya Hati ke Hati...hihhihih asli cupu abis....*mulai keilangan orientasi bahasan*) dan membuka segala kebusukannya, semuanya kembali menjadi baik2 lagi kembali hampir seperti semula. Kecuali si kampret omdo itu aja yang ampe sekarang paling ga brani ngomong ama nyokap gue...hahaha bodoooo!!!!

Semua ini terjadi dalam taun yang sama, 2006. Bener2 taun apes buat gue dah tuh. Kalo bole gue kasih judul, itu taun penuh ama series of unfortunate events. Dan gue belajar banget kalo:

"kepercayaan itu sesuatu yang lo bangun perlahan2 dengan susah payah, tapi buat ngilanginnya segampang membalikkan telapak tangan"

Please do learn from my experiences. Once you've earned that trust, do your best not to lose it. Itu adalah penghargaan tertinggi seseorang atas diri lo. Once you've lost it, you will have to work at least twice harder to maybe..just maybe... earning it back... Yet things won't ever be the same. Mungkin analoginya seperti kayak luka dalem. Lukanya bisa diobatin, tapi begitu sembuh pun, bekasnya akan tinggal selamanya. Kalo pun bekasnya mau diilangin, musti operasi plastik, yang pastinya mehong abis (baca: butuh usaha lebih)...nahhh...gitu kira2 gambarannya...

Respect yourself..you deserve it... :)

cheers!

cin[T]a

2009-03-27T15:05:00.002Z

barusan buka fesbuk, gue ngeliat ada yang posting trailer cin[T]a mungkin ini film baru kali yaa...hehehe duuuhh gue kok ga apdet banget...di youtube gue cari2 ga dapet trailernya. Anyway, gue touched banget...bisa jadi karna ada pengalaman pribadi..apapun itu, gue rasa isu2 macem begini emang bagus banget buat diangkat. Mungkin nantinya film ini bisa menjawab beberapa pertanyaan gue di masa lalu yang sampai sekarang gue biarkan ga terjawab...

who knows....

menye..

2009-03-27T01:29:00.001Z

hehehhehe....menye2 dikit yuuuuukkkk....

yang terberat..

2009-03-27T00:56:00.011Z

....bukan saat harus nentuin jalan mana yang bener dan yang salah..
tapi saat memutuskan untuk meninggalkan semua yang pernah terajut dan mengambil jalan yang berbeda....

it's all over the day the plane took off..

kanjen pantai...

2009-03-26T21:45:00.002Z

kangennnnn banget ama pantaiiii.....

kalo inget anyer....sambolo...inget sama anak2 kampus....bener2 murahan, begitu kelar ujian, langsung brangkat! blom lagi Darwin yang nekat naek bis ama angkot nyusul kita...

anyer lagi...inget mindahin wiken mode Jakarta ke anyer. On the way itu looohhh yang mantipsss se mantips mantipsnya!!! malem2, full audio, tol yang sepi, baks...ediaaaannnn!!!

kuta...inget nge birdi ama bie dan diar waktu iseng wikenan di Bali....

dreamland...inget sama anak2 kampus, seharian di dreamland, dan nyewa body board paling mahal gara2 nyelipin duit di clana dan ilang entah dimana....hanyut tuh kayaknya....

wherever that is....I miss Indonesian beaches....

pertemuan pertama

2009-03-23T23:02:00.003Z

ama siapa? ama spv gue laaaahhh.....heheheheh

sejak awal gue dikasih tau siapa spv gue, gue berusaha buat mencari tau siapa dia dan seperti apakah dia. which is gue gabisa nemuin namanya di website kampus. Jadi hari ini, pagi2 gue ke kampus tanpa tau sosok seperti apa yang bakal gue temuin. Kalo pembimbing skripsi gue dulu kan orangnya santai banget yaa, even dalam nanggepin topik yang gue ajuin. Jadi, dengan berpatokan kesitu, gue nggak berharap banyak.

Perlahan tapi pasti, gue memasuki ruangannya. Ngobrol2 sebentar tentang gue, dan apa yang gue lakuin. Gue mulai ngerasa nyaman. Dia memang bukan lah seorang profesor, dia staff pengajar. Tapi gue seneng sama cara dia ngehargain gue dan ide gue. Dia sangat antusias ngedengerin topik gue, bahkan dia ngasih beberapa ide semakin gue cerita tentang topik gue itu. Yang seru lagi, dia menggambarkan project disertasi ini sebagai jembatan dari kuliah gue ke karir gue nanti. She even gave me ideas how to be known in the society. Keren ya? secara ini bener2 jauh melebihi ekspektasi gue. Ternyata ga hanya gue, tapi dia juga pengen supaya riset ini spektakuler. Berarti, kita punya tujuan yang sama, dan itu bagus banget!

Gue nggak nyangka aja ide gue ditanggepin serius dan se antusias ini. Asli gue seneng banget..dan sekarang, jalan ke depan nggak akan gampang. Gue harus berjuang, push it a li'l bit further to get the best out of it. Semoga riset gue nanti bisa bermanfaat buat bangsa dan negara. Tanpa niat untuk menyalah beberapa pihak terkait, tapi disini gue cuman pengen dunia tau bahwa 'pasar' ini memang ada, sebagai salah satu dampak globalisasi. Penasaran ga? emang sengaja...hihihihihi...

Doakan sukses selalu ya...amiinnn

btw, hari ini gue sakit :( tadinya gue cuek aja, tapi ternyata gue pake pusing...ini aja nge blog dari tempat tidur. huhuh sakit perdana gue di negeri orang nih...padahal daritadi uda m'sugestikan kalo gue baek2 aja. ternyata gabisa juga...yaaa sabar aja kali ya..makan ama istirahat yang bener...huhuhu

cerita ayam.

2009-03-22T10:33:00.006Z

I was having my lundch (lunch+dinner) yesterday on the staff room when the new girl asked me what am I having for lundch. I said Chickens and chips. I eat two pieces of chikens here, one seems not enough...hehehehhe. Then she suddenly eat my chips, and dip it on my dip. I don't mean to be rude but hey girl, you gotta learn how to behave, seems like you've lost your manner! then I eat what I have while she's talking and asking me about this and that thing she didn't know yet. She had twister for her lundch. I'm still enjoying every part of the chicken ribs. Bone..by bone..I think it's the way I eat that sometimes makes people thinks its delicious. Suddenly, she looked at me and asked "do you have another chicken? I want a chicken but I can't go back there again to take another meal". It was weird..Surely nodded and gave her my other chicken...but My God!!!!! what am I, a chicken bank? you should've thought about what you're going to have for your break instead of asking someone to give what they had!! Actually, it's not the missing piece of chicken that matters, it's just her manner. She really lost it somewhere!

when tying the knot...

2009-03-21T20:32:00.007Z

hahahha...no..noo.....
it's that I'm about to get married (although yesss I'd love too when I found that 'click' half part of mine)...
I dunno why, suddenly this evening I browse unintentionally to weddingku.com.
Before I realized it, I already spent like 4 hours checkin on beautiful things..
Now, it's weddingku.com's fault that I imagine these beeeeeeeeautiful things for my wedding which is...one day...next year (hehehehhe what my friend nunun said it as LOA: Law Of Attraction)...

So, where shall I begin??...God I have so many things on my head...I must take a deep breath first..

foto pre wed.
gue blom nemu yang sesuai ama hati nurani sih...soalnya hampir di semua situs aga2 lebay, atau idenya udah pasaran. Kayak misalnya, pake kebayaan tapi tengah hutan?? d'ough, sapa juga yang mau kebayaan di tengah hutan..Lokasi kota tua??... huhuh udah banyak banget yang pake ide ini atau menonjolkan cium2an....please deh, nggak banget buat ngumbar2 bgituan.
Gue pengennya tar foto pre wed gue seru2an gitu. Kali yang ngegambarin kegemaran gue dan pasangan gue, secara, semua orang pasti punya hobi doong...fotonya ada yang ga berduaan gpp, kan ga semua fotonya juga isinya berdua2an. Tapi konsepnya dibuat selaras. Heheh pe er deh tuh buat fotografernya...Misalnya, kayak gue maen roller blade...berkesan banget tuh buat gue, soalnya selaen sepatu roda (ha! mungkin ini lebi lucu!..) ini sukses bikin kulit gue lecet2 dan berdarah2 yang untungnya bekasnya ilang sekarang, aktivitas ini juga yang bertanggung jawab ngebikin kulit gue gosong ampe sekarang...hahahhaha. Terus, misalnya lagi, gue dan pasangan makan makanan kesukaan...ga pake kayak sinetron dengan mekap tebel (well..biar ga minyakan aja kali yaa, tipis2 gitu bole laa..), natural seadanya, selayaknya orang normal makan. Gitu deee...kebayang kan idenya?...Naturally us. Nanti kalo pada ngeliat, pengennya bisa pada bilang " ya olliiiii lo bedua banget deeeehhh..." hehehehehhe...

undangan.
konsep undangan harus nyambung ama kawinan. Tadi gue liat ada beberapa yang unik. Atau nggak, undangan itu menggambarkan gue dan pasangan banget gitu. Misalnya, tadi ada yang unik, undangannya kertas pake daun pisang trus digulung gitu. Tapii, gue gatau deh, emang daun pisang tahan brapa lama biar ga busuk ya?.. atau, misalnya pake bahan, secara gue bolak balik di industri fashion...sablonan di bahan jeans. Anyway, gue agak tenang buat urusan ini karna gue punya temen yang kerjaannya nge-design :D at least bisa lah yaaa...gue memberdayakan dia...heheheh...

kebaya.
Nah, kebaya ini aga sulit, soalnya tergantung konsep. Secara gue cewek, most likely bakal pake adat Jawa, tapi gue nggak menolak ada sentuhan2 adat pasangan gue (kalo dia beda adat ama gue). Lace, kerlap kerlip...siapa siy yang nggak mau?..Tapi secara garis besarnya, kebaya gue gue ga rame dengan atribut ina ini itu, seperti bros di blakang segede gaban (secara ga bakal ada yang liat juga kan yaaa...). Kebaya itu harus anggun, cantik (seperti selayaknya kebaya), tapi juga menggambarkan kepribadian gue unik, ga ribet, dan yang pastinya sedep diliat..Hmm...kayaknya bakal mahal niy...harus pinter2 cari cs-an tukang jait!...hehehehhe

walau modelnya mungkin ga bgini2 amat, tapi mungkin ga ya dia yang bikin?

serah2an.
Packaging serah2an gue gamau yang rame. gue maunya simple, tapi cantik. Sedikit pita atau bunga boleh, tapi nggak mendadak ada dimana2 ramenya ngalahin keseru-an dari isinya. Secara, gue pengen isinya perfecto...bener2 yang gue pengen...hehehehhe

catering.
ini sih ga masalah, soalnya banyak pilihan. mengenai macemnya, gue ga pengen kehebohan, pokoknya syaratnya cuman satu. Makanan di kawinan gue wajib buat enak!

venue.
Okaiyy...here it is...dari sekian tempat, yang paling mendekati bayangan gue adalah Anantara Resort - Bali. Boookkkk musti diliat deh foto2nya, cari tuh di google picture...CIAMIK! you know, gue pengen outdoor, kalo bisa di pantai, secara gue suka banget ama pantai. Terus, jalan menuju plaminannya, big no no pake karpet. gue pengen pake kelopak kembang...huhuh so sweet banget ga siiiiiiyyyy.... foot path nya ga usah jauh2, tapi taburan kelopak kembang. Undangannya ga perlu ribuan yaa...secara gue juga bukan anak pejabat atau pengusaha yang tajir melintir. Secara acaranya adalah tentang memulai hidup baru dengan seseorang yang gue sayang, gue pengen dipenuhi oleh aura kasih sayang itu. Jadi, yang hadir tentunya orang2 yang bener2 kenal ama gue, dan teman keluarga yang gue juga kenal. Jadi, lupakanlah buat ngundang orang2 yang gue kenalnya gitu2 aja, palagi relasi2 bokap nyokap yang gue cuma denger nama doang... Yup, it will be a medium but intimate wedding ceremony-party.

who could resist such a beautiful place?..

Hmm...apalagi yaa...
oiya!!

souvenir.
Ego gue nggak sebesar itu buat ngasih suvenir gelas yang ada gambar perjalanan cinta gue. Bok, it's my story, ga bakal segitu pada pedulinya juga kali buat terpampang di gelas. Gue prefer souvenir nya barang2 yang berguna buat keseharian. Kalo dari yang tadi gue browsing, ada yang lucu...sendok takaran, tapi ada grafirnya gitu....recipe of love :) lucu yaaaaaaaa....atau bukaan botol dengan bentuk cewek cowok, atau tempat lada&garem yang unik..yang dua figur berbeda tapi saling melengkapi... Dan nama gue+pasangan ga perlu ada segede gaban ampe semua bisa liat dari jauh kalo itu souvenir kawinan gue. Cukup kecil dengan font sederhana di bagian yang nggak mudah terlihat. Classy....hihihih

Humph.....well....so far itu dulu kali yaa....
Itu aja udah sukses bikin gue ngayal 4 jam, kalo iterusin, bisa panjang nih....hueheheheheh...

sms

2009-03-16T00:58:00.002Z

blurppp...blurpp....bluuuurp....

bunyi sms dari hp nomer jakarta

"Alhamdulillah, lulus 4. Yang lain moga2 pass juga ya Ay, amiin. Wuaah everybody home is happy 4 you. Congratulation Ay, and thank you for making me proud of you. Love you"

dari bua...

love you too bua....
you're the best mum in the world :)

coursework#1

2009-03-13T03:55:00.000Z

akhirnyaaaaa tugas gw kelar 1..masi ada 7 lg sih..but it's a start :p pusing jg siy gw ngeliat list tugas2 gw yg ternyata sbelas dua blas (beda tipis) ama stripping sinetron indonesia. Yaa seperti kata dosen gw, sbnrnya yg susah itu mulainya. Gw wkt itu dsuru meninggalkan bacaan2 gw,trus jalan2 ampe gw bisa mulai nulis sekalimat dua kalimat. Tapu emang iya loh, kl udah penat ni kpala, gw suka jalan2 dulu sambil cari ide, and it usually works! Sayangnya, agak costly, soalnya gw pasti pulang bawa tentengan :( hihihihi but anyway, I've started..- just have to go on till it's all done..wish me luck!

Cheers!

my marks

2009-03-10T13:18:00.001Z

my marks are released....
I'm soooo glad that it's all good....
hihihihih at least it's on my expectations...
HORRAY!!!

hihihihihihihihi

items of next week...or so..

2009-03-10T02:32:00.002Z

tadi pas jalan2 ke toko kartu, gue naksir sama sebuah item...
tas leptop...tapi lucu banget....bukan tas beneran selayaknya tas leptop serius yang penuh busa di sana sini..ini sleek banget, dan kayak kidstone gitu bahannya, yang ada plastik2nya. Lucu banget ga siiiiyyy....huhuhuhuh. Motifnya lebih dinamis, dan seru..kayak garis2 warna warni, terus pentagonal warna warni...atau motif2 lain2nya.. Secara ya, gue susah nemu tas leptop yang lucu. Yang ada di toko buku tu seris2 amat..gue kan ga se serius itu. Mana ukurannya kayaknya cucok pulak...duuhh gue kpikiran lagi nih..ga suka deh...damn!!....

Nabung aaahhh....ga jajan dulu biar bisa beli tas leptop....

hehehehe....heheheh...heheheh.....

Jaket baru..

2009-03-09T22:17:00.004Z

Aku punya jaket baruuu.... :D :D :D :D

tadi siang gue jalan2, liat2 kesana kemari gitu lah as always kan yaa...
terus gue ceritanya dari kmaren lagi pengen banget punya rompi yang bikin anget ituhh...
gue kan ciyik kalo liat orang2 pada pake rompi itu warna warni dan ga kedinginan...
trus tadi pas lagi jalan, isneg2 gue masuk ke millets..
ini toko equipment outdoor gitu...cakep2 dahh isinya...
eeehh pas lagi liat2, gataunya ada jakeeettt!!!!
persis seperti yang gue pengen....
menggantung pulak dia di bagian diskon
(tau lah mata pasti ijo kalo udah liat tulisan diskon ini)
ga pake ba bi bu lagi, langsung cek price tag...
harganya, dari £26 turun jadi £7.5..
-ya iyalah ya, secara musimnya udah mau abis juga-
hueeeeeeee yang brenang niiiiiyyy?!?!?!??!?!
antara kaget dan seneng tapi banyakan senengnya gitu deh
udah gitu, pas dideketin, ternyata, lengannya bisa dilepas lewat ketek!!!!
keren banget kan niihhh...bsa jadi jaket, bisa jadi ropi!! cakeeppp!!!!!
dari ukuran, kayaknya cocok...gataunya, itu ukuran anak2 umur 11-12 taun....
tapi gue cuek ajah, tetep gue coba....dan pas ;p
ihihihihih aku senaaanggg!!!
langsung menuju kasir...

"bungkus mbaaakkkkkk!!!" hahahhahaha.....

ini dia jaket baru aku..bagus kan?? Lucu yaa..

Can I refund these, please?..

2009-03-09T17:45:00.006Z

I just bought myself four cardigans with different colours and a jacket last weekend. Size 8 usally fits me well, so I didn't bother myself to try it on in the fitting room. Then I happily went back home and daydreaming whic one goes perfectly with which shirt,.button it all or not,..it's almost spring anyway, it wouldn't be this cold right??..there I am walking down the road...hapy as can be.

Impatiently me, right after entering the flat door, I tried in on one..by..one...aaannnddddd not even one fits me!! I'm amazed! Am I really that fat? I can't believe this...I have to exercise! I have to run, stretch, anything to burn down my fats..for the first time,...I have to refund my purchases. Damn!!

But it's quite lucky hee since they do protect their consumers alot. Items puchased can be refunded within 28 days. Not like in Jakarta, where every store have this *items purchased can not be returned* hell yeah, they don't wanna care the second your transaction is completed. You have to take it home, like it or not, right or wrong..the store doesn't give a damn. For the first time, I'm planning to go back to the store to change the size of my cardies. Since I'll be working on Saturday and Sunday, teh only option would be Monday.

My eyes looking straight to the bunch of cardigans to find the right size. This time, I will try it on first! One, two, three....oh no! the green one's no longer available. What should I do what should I doo?!?!?!....humph. I gues I'll just put these -exactly the same cardi w/ bigger size- in my bag, and take a short tour around the dept store to think..also to check on other stuffs. Shirts and jakckets....nothing's interesting...good....coats are still expensive and not really needed...I'll have to pass.....Tights? I couldn't find what I want...pass again...better go down...to shoes department. Flat shoes, interesting...but I don't have the budget anyway...oooohh!!! lok at this! a ballet slippers, with split soles, foldable, and came with a small bag..I gotta have this! but not now..Sandals are cute, they're releasing the sandals with bright spring colours..pink..green..blue..black..bronze..gold..white...soooo cuteee!!! It'll looks good on spring. Look at these gladiator slippers! its comfortable, thin, it bends well....and it costs me two cardigans! Hmm....put it in the bag first before someone else do it...

And there it is....customer service. The place where I should claim to change my purchased items. Think fast ay, think fast!! Okaiy, so I just exchange two cardis, and the other two is refunded, and traded into sandals! Done!...nice bargain.... Once again I'm happy...happy as can be!!...Thankfully, the counter lady was so nice for assisting me until I finally had what I want...hihihihihi

newly traded items

tanda tanya?

2009-03-09T02:23:00.003Z

apa ya passion gue?
abis ini gue mau jadi apa lagi?
kerjaan apa yang ada di depan gue?
karir apa yang bakal gue tekunin?
ke arah mana gue mau ngabisin sisa idup gue?
kerjaan apa ya yang bisa bikin gue 'tenggelam' di dalamnya se bete2nya gue?
karya apa yang akan gue hasilkan dalam hidup gue?

......kriyyk...kriyk...kriiiiyyykkk....
siapa yaa yang tau jawabannya?....

Last lecture that lasts forever..

2009-03-09T00:06:00.002Z

This is Randy Pausch's last lecture...
very touchy, very inspirational, with a deep seated meaning...
please...spare your time to watch this video...

percobaan perdana..

2009-03-08T22:46:00.004Z

lagi ngetes...baru diajarin buat nge post youtube..hihihi kampring banget ga siy guee..

eehhh sakses eiykeee!!!! hahah senangnyaaa!!!!!